Top Gear Quotes
[On the Porsche Boxster Spyder]
James: There's more, or rather less. There is no standard air con. The door handles are being replaced by these little bits of rag, and they even dished the piece of plastic that goes on top of the instrument. What Porsche do, is they...they leave a lot of things that you should get on the Boxster on a shelf, in a factory, and then they charge you more for not giving them to you.
James: This is a really happy car. It's full of vibrant energy and enthusiasm, it's a bit like of those really stupid dogs, I bet if you threw a ball, it'd chase after it.
James: There's more, or rather less. There is no standard air con. The door handles are being replaced by these little bits of rag, and they even dished the piece of plastic that goes on top of the instrument. What Porsche do, is they...they leave a lot of things that you should get on the Boxster on a shelf, in a factory, and then they charge you more for not giving them to you.
James: This is a really happy car. It's full of vibrant energy and enthusiasm, it's a bit like of those really stupid dogs, I bet if you threw a ball, it'd chase after it.
TV Show: Top Gear
[The ADAC Test Results]
Richard: What would be a good score on this? A new car will score, a good car?
ADAC Man: 150 points.
Jeremy: I will go first with my score. Are we ready? 58!
James: 58. That's good. (looks at the results) 19!
Jeremy: 19? That's not so good.
James: No.
Jeremy: Hammond?
Richard: 6!
(James bursts in laughter, followed by the ADAC Man.)
...
Jeremy: Would you say the BMW is dangerous?
ADAC Man: Yes.
Richard: What would be a good score on this? A new car will score, a good car?
ADAC Man: 150 points.
Jeremy: I will go first with my score. Are we ready? 58!
James: 58. That's good. (looks at the results) 19!
Jeremy: 19? That's not so good.
James: No.
Jeremy: Hammond?
Richard: 6!
(James bursts in laughter, followed by the ADAC Man.)
...
Jeremy: Would you say the BMW is dangerous?
ADAC Man: Yes.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [voiceover, with the scene showing Richard Hammond driving very slowly] This had a dramatic effect on the way Hammond drove.
Richard: (slowly) 6? I don't know how you could score less. Would have to have, like, wheels missing. Or a tiger in it.
Jeremy: (mimicking the opening sequence) Tonight, on first gear. Richard Hammond drives across Germany in a deathtrap.
Richard: (slowly) 6? I don't know how you could score less. Would have to have, like, wheels missing. Or a tiger in it.
Jeremy: (mimicking the opening sequence) Tonight, on first gear. Richard Hammond drives across Germany in a deathtrap.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Comparing the three luxury supercars' looks]
Jeremy: That [Pointing at the Aston Martin Rapide] is like a ballet dancer, that [Pointing at the Maserati Quattroporte GTS] is like a mafia hitman, and that [Pointing at the Porsche Panamera] is like... someone who's just been found at the bottom of a lake after two weeks.
James: And that [pointing at the Maserati] is the man who threw him there. [Richard and Jeremy laugh]
Jeremy: That [Pointing at the Aston Martin Rapide] is like a ballet dancer, that [Pointing at the Maserati Quattroporte GTS] is like a mafia hitman, and that [Pointing at the Porsche Panamera] is like... someone who's just been found at the bottom of a lake after two weeks.
James: And that [pointing at the Maserati] is the man who threw him there. [Richard and Jeremy laugh]
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard: Wait, I wanted to drive the Maserati!
Jeremy: [In a high-pitched voice, while driving away] Toodalooooooooo!
Jeremy: [In a high-pitched voice, while driving away] Toodalooooooooo!
TV Show: Top Gear
[Trying to adjust the settings in the Maserati Quattroporte GTS]
James: Manual, semi-automatic... oh, these are the weapons! [In the back, Jeremy and Richard laugh]
James: Manual, semi-automatic... oh, these are the weapons! [In the back, Jeremy and Richard laugh]
TV Show: Top Gear
[On the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that if you hold him in the wrong way he doesn't work properly. (laughter) And that just recently, he developed an irrational hatred of Rubens Barichello. All we know is he's called the Stig.
Jeremy: Some say that if you hold him in the wrong way he doesn't work properly. (laughter) And that just recently, he developed an irrational hatred of Rubens Barichello. All we know is he's called the Stig.
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight, I wear a hat. Richard wears a hat. And James wears a hat.
Jeremy: Tonight, I wear a hat. Richard wears a hat. And James wears a hat.
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the news]
Jeremy: It has been wrongly assumed that blind people can't drive.
James: Well, they can't.
Richard: Yeah, realistically they can't...
Jeremy: No, no, no. Blind people can drive. Just mostly into things.
Jeremy: It has been wrongly assumed that blind people can't drive.
James: Well, they can't.
Richard: Yeah, realistically they can't...
Jeremy: No, no, no. Blind people can drive. Just mostly into things.
TV Show: Top Gear
[after arriving in his modified Land Rover Cottage at the start point, Fleet services on the M3]
Richard: And here it is. I´m genuinely genuinely proud of it.
Richard: (voiceover) But before I had a chance to talk you through, Jeremy arrived. In what appeared to be a block of flats on top of an old Citroen.
Richard: And here it is. I´m genuinely genuinely proud of it.
Richard: (voiceover) But before I had a chance to talk you through, Jeremy arrived. In what appeared to be a block of flats on top of an old Citroen.
TV Show: Top Gear
[On the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he spent all week daydreaming about what Rubens Barrichello would look like in a ham slicer. [laughter] And that he's terrified the BBC will reveal his salary, because he's paid in strong pornography. All we know is, he's called the Stig!
Jeremy: Some say that he spent all week daydreaming about what Rubens Barrichello would look like in a ham slicer. [laughter] And that he's terrified the BBC will reveal his salary, because he's paid in strong pornography. All we know is, he's called the Stig!
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard: [After describing the problems in his Land Rover] Mind you, compared to Jeremy's design flaw...
[The camera cuts to the front of Jeremy's car, which is swaying from side to side rather violently due to the height of Jeremy's "flats"]
Jeremy: [trying desperately to control his Citroen] Ahh! Ahh! AHHH! Oh my God! No, this is terrifying! I can't even begin to describe what this feels like. [narrating] I asked James to pull in behind to assess the gravity of the situation... but he wasn't much help. [the camera cuts to inside James' car, where James is roaring with laughter.] And to be honest, nor was Hammond. [the camera cuts to inside Richard's car, where he is also in complete hysterics.]
Richard: [over the walkie-talkie] Jeremy, did you make a note of how tall it actually is?
Jeremy: [to himself, muttering] No, I didn't. [over the walkie-talkie] Yep!
Richard: [smirking] He hasn't got a clue.
[The camera cuts to the front of Jeremy's car, which is swaying from side to side rather violently due to the height of Jeremy's "flats"]
Jeremy: [trying desperately to control his Citroen] Ahh! Ahh! AHHH! Oh my God! No, this is terrifying! I can't even begin to describe what this feels like. [narrating] I asked James to pull in behind to assess the gravity of the situation... but he wasn't much help. [the camera cuts to inside James' car, where James is roaring with laughter.] And to be honest, nor was Hammond. [the camera cuts to inside Richard's car, where he is also in complete hysterics.]
Richard: [over the walkie-talkie] Jeremy, did you make a note of how tall it actually is?
Jeremy: [to himself, muttering] No, I didn't. [over the walkie-talkie] Yep!
Richard: [smirking] He hasn't got a clue.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Jeremy sees he is being overtaken by a huge lorry]
Jeremy: [gasp of horror, then] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
James: [over the walkie-talkie, after witnessing Jeremy swerving frantically to maintain control and avoid the lorry] Jeremy, can I just say, this is the biggest entertainment I've had on a road journey in my whole life! It's absolutely hilarious!
Jeremy: [gasp of horror, then] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
James: [over the walkie-talkie, after witnessing Jeremy swerving frantically to maintain control and avoid the lorry] Jeremy, can I just say, this is the biggest entertainment I've had on a road journey in my whole life! It's absolutely hilarious!
TV Show: Top Gear
[Richard Hammond has set fire to his motor home while trying to cook part of a three-course meal, and it has spread rapidly after failing to extinguish it]
Jeremy: He's actually set fire to metal, how's he done that?!
Jeremy: He's actually set fire to metal, how's he done that?!
TV Show: Top Gear
[after they leave the campsite]
Jeremy: [over the walkie-talkie] James May.
James: [also over the walkie-talkie] Jeremy Clarkson.
Jeremy: What's it like driving around sitting under a bucket of your own faeces?
James: Are you going to fall over today for our entertainment? [Jeremy laughs]
Jeremy: [over the walkie-talkie] James May.
James: [also over the walkie-talkie] Jeremy Clarkson.
Jeremy: What's it like driving around sitting under a bucket of your own faeces?
James: Are you going to fall over today for our entertainment? [Jeremy laughs]
TV Show: Top Gear
[while Jeremy is supposed to be getting an ice cream for James and Richard...]
Richard: You know what we could do. If we just...parked it [Jeremy's block of flats] right there...on the edge of the cliff...and released the hand-brake...
James: That is genius!
[Jeremy is licking an ice-cream on the pier; his block of flats is tumbling down the cliff]
Cameraman: Look!
Jeremy: [looks, and turns pale] What was that?
Richard: You know what we could do. If we just...parked it [Jeremy's block of flats] right there...on the edge of the cliff...and released the hand-brake...
James: That is genius!
[Jeremy is licking an ice-cream on the pier; his block of flats is tumbling down the cliff]
Cameraman: Look!
Jeremy: [looks, and turns pale] What was that?
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight, Cameron Diaz in our reasonably-priced car! I repeat: Cameron Diaz in our reasonably-priced car! And she's brought Tom Cruise along!
Jeremy: Tonight, Cameron Diaz in our reasonably-priced car! I repeat: Cameron Diaz in our reasonably-priced car! And she's brought Tom Cruise along!
TV Show: Top Gear
[On the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say the Scottish released him a little bit too soon. (crowd laughs) And that he spent all week pushing an effigy of Rubens Barrichello through his desk fan. All we know is, he's called the Stig!
Jeremy: Some say the Scottish released him a little bit too soon. (crowd laughs) And that he spent all week pushing an effigy of Rubens Barrichello through his desk fan. All we know is, he's called the Stig!
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight, Richard wears a towel, James and I eat some crisps, and a fly is in our reasonably-priced car.
Jeremy: Tonight, Richard wears a towel, James and I eat some crisps, and a fly is in our reasonably-priced car.
TV Show: Top Gear
[On the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say he's recently been releasing pop records under the pseudonym "Lady Gaga", and that under his racing suit, he also wears a red g-string and suspenders. All we know is, he's called the Stig!
Jeremy: Some say he's recently been releasing pop records under the pseudonym "Lady Gaga", and that under his racing suit, he also wears a red g-string and suspenders. All we know is, he's called the Stig!
TV Show: Top Gear
[In the opening scene, where Jeremy is talking about the iPlayer]
Jeremy: ...and isn't the iPlayer [stutters] ibrliant...[pauses for a few seconds]...art...om when it freezes...[freezes as if buffering]...oadband connection. Er, what I'd like to do is shove it up British Telecom's...[freezes again before he can finish; cut to him dithering further back]...e start tonight with the Ariel Atom. Now there is a new, much fa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-[scene cut]-aster version, which has come along recently...
Jeremy: ...and isn't the iPlayer [stutters] ibrliant...[pauses for a few seconds]...art...om when it freezes...[freezes as if buffering]...oadband connection. Er, what I'd like to do is shove it up British Telecom's...[freezes again before he can finish; cut to him dithering further back]...e start tonight with the Ariel Atom. Now there is a new, much fa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-[scene cut]-aster version, which has come along recently...
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Forgive me for saying this, but a good looking chap such yourself tends not to be funny.
John Bishop: [looks at Jeremy] ...You are funny.
John Bishop: [looks at Jeremy] ...You are funny.
TV Show: Top Gear
[checking the leader board]
Jeremy: Tom cruise is the fastest, and then Cameron Diaz...
John Bishop: Oh, I've always wanted to be on top of her.
Jeremy: Tom cruise is the fastest, and then Cameron Diaz...
John Bishop: Oh, I've always wanted to be on top of her.
TV Show: Top Gear
[In Albania]
Richard: This is the perfect car for the job.
Jeremy: ...you can't say that.
Richard: What?
Jeremy: You can't say that word, the 'C' word.
Richard: Well, I didn't, did I?
Jeremy: [laughs] no, not that 'C' word, the other 'C' word.
Richard: ..."Car"?
Jeremy: Yes. You can't say that. Car here means... "Gentleman sausage".
[...]
Richard: But we do a car show!
Jeremy: Yes, but you can't say car. Or peach.
James: Peach?
Jeremy: Don't say peach.
Richard: What does that mean?
Jeremy: [gestures] "Lady garden".
Richard: This is the perfect car for the job.
Jeremy: ...you can't say that.
Richard: What?
Jeremy: You can't say that word, the 'C' word.
Richard: Well, I didn't, did I?
Jeremy: [laughs] no, not that 'C' word, the other 'C' word.
Richard: ..."Car"?
Jeremy: Yes. You can't say that. Car here means... "Gentleman sausage".
[...]
Richard: But we do a car show!
Jeremy: Yes, but you can't say car. Or peach.
James: Peach?
Jeremy: Don't say peach.
Richard: What does that mean?
Jeremy: [gestures] "Lady garden".
TV Show: Top Gear
[having replaced a Bentley with a Yugo "for complicated reasons"]
Jeremy: It is the most expensive penis of the three, two hundred twenty thousand pounds, and from where I'm sitting, it's hard to see why.
[...]
Jeremy: [bouncing up and down] This has to be the least refined car I've ever driven. This is simply intolerable. Two hundred twenty thousand pounds for this!
Jeremy: It is the most expensive penis of the three, two hundred twenty thousand pounds, and from where I'm sitting, it's hard to see why.
[...]
Jeremy: [bouncing up and down] This has to be the least refined car I've ever driven. This is simply intolerable. Two hundred twenty thousand pounds for this!
TV Show: Top Gear
[to Albanian mechanic]
Jeremy: [gesturing] So, running, then stop.
James: That describes most breakdowns really.
Jeremy: [gesturing] So, running, then stop.
James: That describes most breakdowns really.
TV Show: Top Gear
[The Top Gear Presenters are driving through a Norwegian town and are testing the "de-icing" implement of their "Snowbine", which is essentially a flamethrower. Naturally, this makes Jeremy very excited.]
Jeremy: [a la Arthur Brown] I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE AND I BRING YOU...
[he sends out a jet of flame behind the Snowbine]
Jeremy: ...FIRE!
Jeremy: [a la Arthur Brown] I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE AND I BRING YOU...
[he sends out a jet of flame behind the Snowbine]
Jeremy: ...FIRE!
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: So, the Winter Olympics are being held in Italy, which when you look at the place, seems to be a bit too warm. That's why we're in Norway, a proper winter country. And we've got some proper winter sports lined up for you. So welcome then, to the Top Gear Winter Olympics. It's the Winter Olympics, speeded up a bit!
Jeremy: So, the Winter Olympics are being held in Italy, which when you look at the place, seems to be a bit too warm. That's why we're in Norway, a proper winter country. And we've got some proper winter sports lined up for you. So welcome then, to the Top Gear Winter Olympics. It's the Winter Olympics, speeded up a bit!
TV Show: Top Gear
James: Anyway, you have probably noticed that TV's Richard Hammond isn't with us today and that's because he's currently appearing on commercial daytime television.
Jeremy: Yes he is, he's on live, every afternoon filling Paul O'Grady's slot.
[pause]
Jeremy: [laughs] I've just realised what I said then.
James: [laughs] I know.
Jeremy: Yes he is, he's on live, every afternoon filling Paul O'Grady's slot.
[pause]
Jeremy: [laughs] I've just realised what I said then.
James: [laughs] I know.
TV Show: Top Gear