Top Gear Quotes
James: This is speed skating. Which in the proper Olympics involves a lot of men in condoms, slithering about.
TV Show: Top Gear
James: With Jeremy's shooting, you're perfectly safe so long as you stand directly in front of the target.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [producing an MP5A4 from the boot of his Volvo XC90] Not only is he using the wrong car, he's using the wrong gun. A .22 is alright when you're nine, but when you're in a hurry you need one of these: a Heckler and Koch MP5 machine pistol. That's on fully automatic... EAT LEAD Olympic target! [he fires an entire magazine in fully automatic mode and misses all five targets]
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Biathletes need to eat 6,000 calories a day: six thousand! That's the equivalent of 2 pounds of butter, 70 slices of bread, 112 eggs, 86 tabs of yoghurts, 28 potatoes, 117 biscuits and 21 Twix bars... On that basis, I could be an Olympic biathlete!
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [when introducing the two wheel drive Jaguar XK] Old Jags were all full of wood and pipe daca, it was like being inside.. James May. But this one.. is like being inside.. James Kirk.
TV Show: Top Gear
[testing his Land Rover Discovery on a makeshift ice circuit]
James: This is the best way to get the power of the big V8 down onto the ice: with 4WD; intelligent differentials; intelligent traction control; not just booting it, and shouting.
James: This is the best way to get the power of the big V8 down onto the ice: with 4WD; intelligent differentials; intelligent traction control; not just booting it, and shouting.
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard: Up until now, Suzuki has been well known for making small Jeeps and our Reasonably Priced Car. Everything else they made is about as interesting as that pine tree.. [points to another few pine trees]] or no maybe that one, that one and that one to the left.
TV Show: Top Gear
[after learning James and Jeremy plan to rocket a mini down a ski slope]
Richard: I am staying!
Richard: I am staying!
TV Show: Top Gear
[announcing an event, with the text on the sign behind him truncated]
Jeremy: ...in the "Top Gear Winter Olympics Ski Slash Car Jumping Champio!"
Jeremy: ...in the "Top Gear Winter Olympics Ski Slash Car Jumping Champio!"
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Gravity is a cruel and unpredictable mistress, so...
James: No it isn't, it's a constant all over the world.
James: No it isn't, it's a constant all over the world.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on building a snow bank at the bottom of the ski slope]
Richard: [to Jeremy] Yeah, it's going well. It's going well... [he slips, falls, and slides all the way down the slope]
Richard: [to Jeremy] Yeah, it's going well. It's going well... [he slips, falls, and slides all the way down the slope]
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: I can guarantee that won't stop the Mini. Partly because it's not substantial enough, but mostly because you've built that in front of that slope, and the Mini... is coming down that one. [pointing to the other ski slope].
Richard: Right.
[Jeremy and James collapse laughing]
Richard: Righto.
Jeremy: What a complete...
Richard: I'll make some adjustments.
Jeremy: Did nobody tell you?!
Richard: [shouting] NO!! Obviously!! Or I'd have built it over there!!
[Jeremy and James continue to laugh]
Richard: That is fairly embarrassing. What I need... is a big machine.
Richard: Right.
[Jeremy and James collapse laughing]
Richard: Righto.
Jeremy: What a complete...
Richard: I'll make some adjustments.
Jeremy: Did nobody tell you?!
Richard: [shouting] NO!! Obviously!! Or I'd have built it over there!!
[Jeremy and James continue to laugh]
Richard: That is fairly embarrassing. What I need... is a big machine.
TV Show: Top Gear
[announcing an event, with the text on the sign behind him truncated]
Jeremy: I declare the "Top Gear Suzuki Swift Car/Ice Hockey Cha" open!"
Jeremy: I declare the "Top Gear Suzuki Swift Car/Ice Hockey Cha" open!"
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Ok! The blue team captained by Captain Slow, that's primetime television. The red team captained by Richard Phillip Schofield Hammond, that's daytime television.
TV Show: Top Gear
Player: Do you have any vacuum cleaner?
Jeremy: A vacuum cleaner?
Player: Yes, clean the seats.
Jeremy: Does Top Gear have a vacuum cleaner?! No!
Jeremy: A vacuum cleaner?
Player: Yes, clean the seats.
Jeremy: Does Top Gear have a vacuum cleaner?! No!
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: You've just let me down.
James: Rubbish. I've scored two brilliant goals whilst you've been chatting up some Norwegian woman and standing in the bar.
Player: That was my wife.
James: It was his wife.
Jeremy: Yes, it was your wife.
James: Rubbish. I've scored two brilliant goals whilst you've been chatting up some Norwegian woman and standing in the bar.
Player: That was my wife.
James: It was his wife.
Jeremy: Yes, it was your wife.
TV Show: Top Gear
[While playing a game of ice hockey]
Jeremy: Hammond, in the sin bin!
Richard: I can't believe I got sin binned, for what?
Jeremy: Go on ITV, and you get sin binned. It's that simple.
Richard: [voiceover] With me shackled, Prime Time bought the scores to 5-4.
James: [scoring a goal] Yeah!
Richard: Oh, come on, ref!
Jeremy: Hammond, you may rejoin...
[Hammond drives a few feet forward]
Jeremy: ...and that's the end of the game, everybody!
Jeremy: Hammond, in the sin bin!
Richard: I can't believe I got sin binned, for what?
Jeremy: Go on ITV, and you get sin binned. It's that simple.
Richard: [voiceover] With me shackled, Prime Time bought the scores to 5-4.
James: [scoring a goal] Yeah!
Richard: Oh, come on, ref!
Jeremy: Hammond, you may rejoin...
[Hammond drives a few feet forward]
Jeremy: ...and that's the end of the game, everybody!
TV Show: Top Gear
[on rocketing a Mini down a ski slope]
James: This has never been done before.
Richard: No. We are, in fact, at the cutting edge of cocking about!
James: This has never been done before.
Richard: No. We are, in fact, at the cutting edge of cocking about!
TV Show: Top Gear
James: No one has ever done it before because they probably would be killed to death.
TV Show: Top Gear
[At the end of the car vs. man in Arctic conditions film]
Richard: So, if you want to drive to the North Pole, buy a Hammond.
Richard: So, if you want to drive to the North Pole, buy a Hammond.
TV Show: Top Gear
[This special episode of Top Gear is entirely a race from Resolute in Canada to the North Magnetic Pole].
TV Show: Top Gear
[explaining the modifications made to his Toyota Hilux on what appears to be a sunny day]
Jeremy: ...then at the front, I insisted it was fitted with these powerful spot lamps, although that might have been a bit unnecessary since its currently 11: 30 pm and this is as dark as it ever gets.
Jeremy: ...then at the front, I insisted it was fitted with these powerful spot lamps, although that might have been a bit unnecessary since its currently 11: 30 pm and this is as dark as it ever gets.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Richard Hammond has been given Matty McNair, who is one of the world's leading Arctic experts. Me? I've been given... him.
[Jeremy points and he pulls up to James May]
James: Can I make it absolutely clear, here, now, that I'm only here because the producers said I had to be. I don't like snow, I hate being cold, I hate outdoor pursuits, I hate the idea that I've got to "push my body to find the limit," I can't stand this stupid clothing that makes this rustling noise when you move all the time, and I hate the zips, and the toggles, and all the pockets, and that and I hate your stupid truck.
Jeremy: [shushing James] Listen. If we make it, look at it this way: you will be the first person ever to go to the North Pole who didn't want to be there.
[Jeremy points and he pulls up to James May]
James: Can I make it absolutely clear, here, now, that I'm only here because the producers said I had to be. I don't like snow, I hate being cold, I hate outdoor pursuits, I hate the idea that I've got to "push my body to find the limit," I can't stand this stupid clothing that makes this rustling noise when you move all the time, and I hate the zips, and the toggles, and all the pockets, and that and I hate your stupid truck.
Jeremy: [shushing James] Listen. If we make it, look at it this way: you will be the first person ever to go to the North Pole who didn't want to be there.
TV Show: Top Gear
[at the Cold Weather Training Centre in the Austrian Alps]
Doctor: Should we go straight to the frozen penis?
[The three groan]
Doctor: He'd been walking with it hanging out of his trousers.
Richard: How do you walk with your willy hanging out?
Doctor: Which comes down to organisation and teamwork.
Richard: Well, it's more than disorganised—
Jeremy: It's a good job he didn't do it on the London Underground — he'd be arrested for permanently getting on public transport with it hanging out...
Doctor: Should we go straight to the frozen penis?
[The three groan]
Doctor: He'd been walking with it hanging out of his trousers.
Richard: How do you walk with your willy hanging out?
Doctor: Which comes down to organisation and teamwork.
Richard: Well, it's more than disorganised—
Jeremy: It's a good job he didn't do it on the London Underground — he'd be arrested for permanently getting on public transport with it hanging out...
TV Show: Top Gear
[at the Cold Weather Training Centre in the Austrian Alps]
Jeremy: We were then taught how to erect a tent. Our instructor was a former Special Forces soldier who arrived with a pixelated face... and he was very bossy.
Jeremy: We were then taught how to erect a tent. Our instructor was a former Special Forces soldier who arrived with a pixelated face... and he was very bossy.
TV Show: Top Gear
[at the Cold Weather Training Centre in the Austrian Alps: after the Special Forces soldier pushes Jeremy through the ice]
Special Forces Soldier with the pixellated face: That's it. Pull your self out. Pull yourself out! Come on! Put some effort in! Don't stay there all day! Drop the poles!
Jeremy: [confused] How dare you...
Special Forces Soldier: Hands above your head, hands above your head! HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEAD! Okay, roll in the snow, roll in the snow! ROLL IN THE SNOW!
Richard: Roll in the snow, Jeremy. That will make you much better, rather than a big pink fluffy towel.
Richard: That looked awful.
James: I'm... I'm staggered.
Richard: Do you know what though, I like to think of us as a unit on Top Gear, and as a unit we've done that test.
Special Forces Soldier with the pixellated face: That's it. Pull your self out. Pull yourself out! Come on! Put some effort in! Don't stay there all day! Drop the poles!
Jeremy: [confused] How dare you...
Special Forces Soldier: Hands above your head, hands above your head! HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEAD! Okay, roll in the snow, roll in the snow! ROLL IN THE SNOW!
Richard: Roll in the snow, Jeremy. That will make you much better, rather than a big pink fluffy towel.
Richard: That looked awful.
James: I'm... I'm staggered.
Richard: Do you know what though, I like to think of us as a unit on Top Gear, and as a unit we've done that test.
TV Show: Top Gear