Top Gear Quotes
[on Richard]
Jeremy: He is a plucky Brit, and like all plucky Brits, he's going to come in second.
Jeremy: He is a plucky Brit, and like all plucky Brits, he's going to come in second.
TV Show: Top Gear
[trying to erect a tent in a high Arctic winds]
James: How fucking monstrous is this?
Jeremy: It's... it's, beyond... it's not normal.
James: How fucking monstrous is this?
Jeremy: It's... it's, beyond... it's not normal.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Based on... no knowledge at all, we decided to push on in our three ton truck.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: I admire Hammond for doing what he's doing. I admire all Arctic explorers. But I think the time has now come for the world to say let's see how easily we can get to the top of Everest. Let's see how easily we can get to the North Pole. I think we could forge a career as the world's worst explorers. [voiceover] Surprisingly, James was ahead of me on that one.
James: What would really make it nice would be a gin and tonic. Would you like one?
Jeremy: What?
James: A gin and tonic.
Jeremy: Yes, I would like a gin and tonic, but we can't have a gin and tonic because we're in the Arctic Ocean.
James: I'll make you one.
Jeremy: What?
[James produces the necessary items and ingredients]
Jeremy: Hahahahahahaha! You've got gin!
James: I have.
Jeremy: And because we're in international waters there's no drink-drive laws.
James: Exactly.
Jeremy: Got any ice? [looks around him] That's a stupid question, isn't it?
James: Could you just slow down so I can slice the lemon for the gin and tonic?
Jeremy: Now this is Arctic exploration.
James: What would really make it nice would be a gin and tonic. Would you like one?
Jeremy: What?
James: A gin and tonic.
Jeremy: Yes, I would like a gin and tonic, but we can't have a gin and tonic because we're in the Arctic Ocean.
James: I'll make you one.
Jeremy: What?
[James produces the necessary items and ingredients]
Jeremy: Hahahahahahaha! You've got gin!
James: I have.
Jeremy: And because we're in international waters there's no drink-drive laws.
James: Exactly.
Jeremy: Got any ice? [looks around him] That's a stupid question, isn't it?
James: Could you just slow down so I can slice the lemon for the gin and tonic?
Jeremy: Now this is Arctic exploration.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: And please, do not write to us about drinking and driving. Because I'm not driving, I'm sailing.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Cooking in the tent with James producing gourmet food from his hidden stash]
James: What do salmon eggs go really well with?
Jeremy: Well, a crisp white, but, um, we can dream on about that.
James: Like a Chablis really. [produces bottle]
Jeremy: Nooooo, nooooo, James! [breathes in heavily] Look what he's got! Wine! I haven't had any for days!
James: I knew you'd like that.
Jeremy: A week in Resolute and three days on the ice just surviving on only gin.
James: What do salmon eggs go really well with?
Jeremy: Well, a crisp white, but, um, we can dream on about that.
James: Like a Chablis really. [produces bottle]
Jeremy: Nooooo, nooooo, James! [breathes in heavily] Look what he's got! Wine! I haven't had any for days!
James: I knew you'd like that.
Jeremy: A week in Resolute and three days on the ice just surviving on only gin.
TV Show: Top Gear
James: That's very flat over there...
Jeremy: James, we're out.
[the two get out]
Jeremy: [rejoicing] We've made it! [lies down on his front] It's flat! It's so smooth, and no more going up and down...! [groaning] Oh...
[voiceover]
Jeremy: It had taken three days of almost non-stop driving, but this incredible machine had breached what the experts had said would be an impregnable wall. It had taken on the impossible... and it had won.
Jeremy: James, we're out.
[the two get out]
Jeremy: [rejoicing] We've made it! [lies down on his front] It's flat! It's so smooth, and no more going up and down...! [groaning] Oh...
[voiceover]
Jeremy: It had taken three days of almost non-stop driving, but this incredible machine had breached what the experts had said would be an impregnable wall. It had taken on the impossible... and it had won.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: The fact is, though, that two middle-aged men, deeply unfit and mostly drunk, had made it.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: We are now the most northern people in the world... apart from Michael Parkinson obviously.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [on seeing a polar bear with its cubs] Oh its got babies. [turns to the camera] Sweeeeeeeeeet! [voiceover] Not being Attenborough, I couldn't think of anything better to say.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Introducing the special from the studio]
Jeremy: Hello and and welcome to a sea of disappointed faces. Because these people have driven all the way down here today only to find the show isn't actually coming from here today.
James: No, it is in fact coming from six thousand miles away, here [points on map] in Vietnam.
Richard: Yes, we were told to meet in the centre of Saigon and await further instructions.
Jeremy: So, sit back, enjoy the ride.
Jeremy: Hello and and welcome to a sea of disappointed faces. Because these people have driven all the way down here today only to find the show isn't actually coming from here today.
James: No, it is in fact coming from six thousand miles away, here [points on map] in Vietnam.
Richard: Yes, we were told to meet in the centre of Saigon and await further instructions.
Jeremy: So, sit back, enjoy the ride.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Reading the first part of the challenge]
Jeremy: Since you can buy Rolexes here for a fiver and lunch for 50p, you're standing in the world's biggest Pound shop. You should therefore have no trouble at all buying some wheels for fifteen million d?ng.
Jeremy: Since you can buy Rolexes here for a fiver and lunch for 50p, you're standing in the world's biggest Pound shop. You should therefore have no trouble at all buying some wheels for fifteen million d?ng.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [voiceover] Delighted that for once the producers had been generous, we headed for the showrooms. [out loud] I love having inches of money! [voiceover] But our joy was short lived as James discovered when he tried to buy a bog-standard Fiat 500.
James: [pointing to car] Can you tell me how much?
Salesman: Uh, five hun— five hun'ret and sixty million Vi?t d?ng.
James: Five hundred and sixty million?
Salesman: Yeah
James: How much is fifteen million d?ng?
Salesman: Ooh, just about one thousand U.S. dollar.
James: [pointing to car] Can you tell me how much?
Salesman: Uh, five hun— five hun'ret and sixty million Vi?t d?ng.
James: Five hundred and sixty million?
Salesman: Yeah
James: How much is fifteen million d?ng?
Salesman: Ooh, just about one thousand U.S. dollar.
TV Show: Top Gear
[meeting up after finding the money they've been given isn't in fact worth very much]
Jeremy: I'll tell you the problem, is cars only came to Vietnam a few years ago, ok—four or five years ago? They've got the two hundred percent import tax on them, they haven't had time—in the four or five years since they've been here—to get cheap.
Richard: So there are no bangers.
James: Everything's expensive and we're actually quite poor.
Jeremy: I'll tell you the problem, is cars only came to Vietnam a few years ago, ok—four or five years ago? They've got the two hundred percent import tax on them, they haven't had time—in the four or five years since they've been here—to get cheap.
Richard: So there are no bangers.
James: Everything's expensive and we're actually quite poor.
TV Show: Top Gear
[James gets Jeremy's attention and gestures to the motorbikes behind them]
Jeremy: No.
James: Go on.
Richard: Look around us, what do we see everywhere?
Jeremy: You know I can't do that.
James: Well what else is there? [pokes box of money] Bet you can get a bike for that!
Jeremy: I bet you could get a lump of excrement for that as well, it doesn't mean I'm going to go...
Richard: It's transport, with an engine. It's the only choice we have.
James: Come on!
Jeremy: No.
James: Look, that's all we've got. [Holds up a bundle of money and puts it back in the box] Bikes.
Jeremy: No.
James: Go on.
Richard: Look around us, what do we see everywhere?
Jeremy: You know I can't do that.
James: Well what else is there? [pokes box of money] Bet you can get a bike for that!
Jeremy: I bet you could get a lump of excrement for that as well, it doesn't mean I'm going to go...
Richard: It's transport, with an engine. It's the only choice we have.
James: Come on!
Jeremy: No.
James: Look, that's all we've got. [Holds up a bundle of money and puts it back in the box] Bikes.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Jeremy describing his bike without any of the enthusiasm the other presenters have shown]
Jeremy: I've bought this, which is um... a motorcycle.
James: Well technically, this is a scooter. [picks it up into the upright position]
Jeremy: If you let go now it will just fall over.
James: No, it's got a thing called a stand!
Richard: You really don't know anything about bikes do you? I mean, really...
Jeremy: Nothing.
Richard: Tell you what I will say, it's actually very pretty. But it's going to be useless because whatever the challenge is, tiny wheels and looking good—that's not going to help.
Jeremy: Why are tiny wheels wrong?
James: Because the holes are big and the little wheels go further in.
Jeremy: What holes?
James: The holes in the road.
Richard: So you're going be [wobbly sound] all over the place.
Jeremy: How many cylinders has it got?
James and Richard: One.
Jeremy: One?
James: It's two stroke.
Jeremy: I've bought this, which is um... a motorcycle.
James: Well technically, this is a scooter. [picks it up into the upright position]
Jeremy: If you let go now it will just fall over.
James: No, it's got a thing called a stand!
Richard: You really don't know anything about bikes do you? I mean, really...
Jeremy: Nothing.
Richard: Tell you what I will say, it's actually very pretty. But it's going to be useless because whatever the challenge is, tiny wheels and looking good—that's not going to help.
Jeremy: Why are tiny wheels wrong?
James: Because the holes are big and the little wheels go further in.
Jeremy: What holes?
James: The holes in the road.
Richard: So you're going be [wobbly sound] all over the place.
Jeremy: How many cylinders has it got?
James and Richard: One.
Jeremy: One?
James: It's two stroke.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Reading the main challenge]
James: You'll now attempt to achieve in eight days what the Americans failed to achieve in ten years: get from the south of Vietnam to the north. You will ride from [laughs] here in Saigon to Halon city, near the Chinese border, which is one thousand miles away.
[Jeremy looks daunted]
James: That is excellent!
Richard: Wow!
James: That is the best challenge we've ever had!
Richard: That's fa— I'm going. I'm getting—Get his bike started. [runs back to his bike]
James: Honestly, that is fantastic. [leaves too]
Jeremy: I just— I can't do that. I can't do— Guys, I can't do that! I can't ride a bike. I'm sorry, this is stupid. [points to crew behind the camera] And I'm not joking, it is— I don't know who came up with this, but it's daft.
Richard: I think it's brilliant! I'm more excited than anything we've ever done.
James: I can't believe you're being a misery-guts.
Jeremy: Because it's a thousand miles in the rainy season...!
Richard: I know, that's the best thing about it!
Jeremy: ...a thousand miles, in the rainy season, in a country with not very good roads, and I can't ride a bike!
James: You'll now attempt to achieve in eight days what the Americans failed to achieve in ten years: get from the south of Vietnam to the north. You will ride from [laughs] here in Saigon to Halon city, near the Chinese border, which is one thousand miles away.
[Jeremy looks daunted]
James: That is excellent!
Richard: Wow!
James: That is the best challenge we've ever had!
Richard: That's fa— I'm going. I'm getting—Get his bike started. [runs back to his bike]
James: Honestly, that is fantastic. [leaves too]
Jeremy: I just— I can't do that. I can't do— Guys, I can't do that! I can't ride a bike. I'm sorry, this is stupid. [points to crew behind the camera] And I'm not joking, it is— I don't know who came up with this, but it's daft.
Richard: I think it's brilliant! I'm more excited than anything we've ever done.
James: I can't believe you're being a misery-guts.
Jeremy: Because it's a thousand miles in the rainy season...!
Richard: I know, that's the best thing about it!
Jeremy: ...a thousand miles, in the rainy season, in a country with not very good roads, and I can't ride a bike!
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [voiceover] I honestly believed that at some point on our long and torturous route, one of us would be killed. Probably wouldn't be Hammond though. Because unlike us two, he at least could get a helmet which fitted.
Jeremy: The reason I don't ride a motorcycle is because I have a large brain.
Richard: No, you have a big head.
Jeremy: The reason why crash helmets are small is because people who wear them haven't got a brain. Otherwise they'd have a car.
Jeremy: The reason I don't ride a motorcycle is because I have a large brain.
Richard: No, you have a big head.
Jeremy: The reason why crash helmets are small is because people who wear them haven't got a brain. Otherwise they'd have a car.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Jeremy is having lunch while his scooter is being repaired]
Jeremy: [picks up a piece of meat with his chopsticks] You look at this and you think "what noise did this make when it was alive"? Did it go moooo, or did it go tweet tweet tweet, or did it go neigh! [eats it] I think it went ruff! rrrrr-ruf! But it's delicious.
Jeremy: [picks up a piece of meat with his chopsticks] You look at this and you think "what noise did this make when it was alive"? Did it go moooo, or did it go tweet tweet tweet, or did it go neigh! [eats it] I think it went ruff! rrrrr-ruf! But it's delicious.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Richard and James are having lunch somewhere else]
James: [looking at the menu] Uhm, well I think this thing here is a sort of squid thing with some... weird paste.
Richard: [looking unhappy] Don't like squid.
James: Ok, well you can have crab with...
Richard: Don't like crab.
James: Razor clams!
Richard: Don't like clams.
James: [looking at the menu] Uhm, well I think this thing here is a sort of squid thing with some... weird paste.
Richard: [looking unhappy] Don't like squid.
James: Ok, well you can have crab with...
Richard: Don't like crab.
James: Razor clams!
Richard: Don't like clams.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Jeremy is broken down by the side of a road]
Jeremy: And here we are again. It's a lovely evening in south-east Asia, as you can see. And I'd be enjoying it in any means of transport apart from the motorbike. If somebody said to me "would you like to hop to Hanoi?" Yes I would. [hops off on one foot down the road]
Jeremy: And here we are again. It's a lovely evening in south-east Asia, as you can see. And I'd be enjoying it in any means of transport apart from the motorbike. If somebody said to me "would you like to hop to Hanoi?" Yes I would. [hops off on one foot down the road]
TV Show: Top Gear
[Richard and then James arrive at the meeting point, a restaurant]
Richard: Well, I went to check ahead if it'd gotten any steeper. It did.
James: I know.
Richard: Where is he, do you reckon?
James: Dunno.
Richard: Do you think he's enjoying his first biking experience?
[Cut to Jeremy, who is riding through town in the dark]
Jeremy: [Very, very angry]I am the most miserable human being alive! Where's this restaurant?! Where is it?!
Richard: Well, I went to check ahead if it'd gotten any steeper. It did.
James: I know.
Richard: Where is he, do you reckon?
James: Dunno.
Richard: Do you think he's enjoying his first biking experience?
[Cut to Jeremy, who is riding through town in the dark]
Jeremy: [Very, very angry]I am the most miserable human being alive! Where's this restaurant?! Where is it?!
TV Show: Top Gear
[Just before the rain starts to fall]
Jeremy: [voiceover] Still, at least I'd been assured it wouldn't rain.
[And with that, the heavens open]
Jeremy: Name an upside to this, May! Name ONE upside!
James: Well, you're not hot anymore, are you?
Jeremy: My light's dying. It's dying, my light's dying!
Jeremy: [voiceover] There was an upside though. Richard's Taliban bike had decided it liked the rain even less than me.
Richard: Come on now! [hops up and down whilst still on his bike] That's not so effective as I'd hoped it would be.
Jeremy: [shouting whilst driving through a big puddle] Oh my god! What the hell is going on in my life?! Why has my life gone so wrong?!
James: It's good for you!
Jeremy: [still shouting] It's not!
James: [Getting annoyed] It is! Stop whining!
[Jeremy and James passing a small truck]
Jeremy: Hit that. Cheer me up—kill yourself.
Jeremy: [voiceover] Still, at least I'd been assured it wouldn't rain.
[And with that, the heavens open]
Jeremy: Name an upside to this, May! Name ONE upside!
James: Well, you're not hot anymore, are you?
Jeremy: My light's dying. It's dying, my light's dying!
Jeremy: [voiceover] There was an upside though. Richard's Taliban bike had decided it liked the rain even less than me.
Richard: Come on now! [hops up and down whilst still on his bike] That's not so effective as I'd hoped it would be.
Jeremy: [shouting whilst driving through a big puddle] Oh my god! What the hell is going on in my life?! Why has my life gone so wrong?!
James: It's good for you!
Jeremy: [still shouting] It's not!
James: [Getting annoyed] It is! Stop whining!
[Jeremy and James passing a small truck]
Jeremy: Hit that. Cheer me up—kill yourself.
TV Show: Top Gear
[After being asked a question in Vietnamese]
Richard: [In English, completely guessing what she asked] Always give way to the car from the right!
[Whole class bursts out laughing]
Jeremy: You had a one in a hundred chance of being right, but it was in the wrong language.
Richard: [In English, completely guessing what she asked] Always give way to the car from the right!
[Whole class bursts out laughing]
Jeremy: You had a one in a hundred chance of being right, but it was in the wrong language.
TV Show: Top Gear
Vietnamese Driving Examiner: [several times, no matter what Jeremy does] Jeremy Clarkson: Fail!
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: I've always said that if my children buy a bike, I'll burn it. If they replace it with another one, I'll burn that one too. Now when they buy a bike, I will completely understand. And then I'll burn it.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [voiceover] With just 50 miles to go, Hammond went berserk!
Richard: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH! The speeeeeeed!!
Jeremy: He's just a... prat!
Richard: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH! The speeeeeeed!!
Jeremy: He's just a... prat!
TV Show: Top Gear