Top Gear Quotes
Jeremy: What a journey! 700 miles on my bike, 250 miles on a train, and about 50 miles on my face.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Having just been told they will have to make their bikes amphibious to get to the actual finishing point.]
Jeremy: How hard can it be?
Richard: DON'T SAY THAT!
Jeremy: How hard can it be?
Richard: DON'T SAY THAT!
TV Show: Top Gear
[Analysing each others' kit for the journey]
Richard: [pointing to James' utility belt] What's all this?
James: That is my belt of many things.
Richard: Are these all stuff for...
Jeremy: [interrupting] What is that?
James: Don't touch it. That is a dental healthcare kit.
Richard: What's this?
James: Don't touch it, just ask. That, is a shoe polishing kit.
Jeremy and Richard: What?!
James: It's a shoe polishing kit.
Jeremy: Well thank God for that. If we get hungry, we'll be able to eat his Kiwi boot polish.
Richard: Basically, what you've done is bought My First Explorer Kit.
James: [Jeremy inspects the rear of the belt] Don't touch it!
Richard: [pointing to James' utility belt] What's all this?
James: That is my belt of many things.
Richard: Are these all stuff for...
Jeremy: [interrupting] What is that?
James: Don't touch it. That is a dental healthcare kit.
Richard: What's this?
James: Don't touch it, just ask. That, is a shoe polishing kit.
Jeremy and Richard: What?!
James: It's a shoe polishing kit.
Jeremy: Well thank God for that. If we get hungry, we'll be able to eat his Kiwi boot polish.
Richard: Basically, what you've done is bought My First Explorer Kit.
James: [Jeremy inspects the rear of the belt] Don't touch it!
TV Show: Top Gear
[Trying to pull James's Jimmy off the ramp...]
Jeremy: It's only an ounce to pull.
James: Please be gentle with this, Jeremy, and not a yob.
Jeremy: POWEEERRRRRRRR!!!
Jeremy: It's only an ounce to pull.
James: Please be gentle with this, Jeremy, and not a yob.
Jeremy: POWEEERRRRRRRR!!!
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard: [Voiceover] Finally, we were all off the ramp, and as a reward, the producers gave us a box of things to help us survive the perils that lay ahead.
Jeremy: [Going through box] ...Some rubber tubing... Durex...
Richard: Condoms?!
Jeremy: Vaseline... Tampax... and Viagra.
James: I know we're going to be in the jungle a bit together but that's a bit extreme.
Richard: What kind of party are they planning?!
Jeremy: [Going through box] ...Some rubber tubing... Durex...
Richard: Condoms?!
Jeremy: Vaseline... Tampax... and Viagra.
James: I know we're going to be in the jungle a bit together but that's a bit extreme.
Richard: What kind of party are they planning?!
TV Show: Top Gear
[Richard, in his Toyota, while driving at night is bothered by the sound of a large insect in his car somewhere]
'Richard: Aah! What the[bleep]s that?! Oh! [into walkie-talkie] There's something in here squeaking at me, I'll - I'll go home. [the noise continues] Oh. Ooh. What is that?! Agh, [bleep], adadadadagh!! I can't stand that!! I can't stand that!! [throws open his door] I've gotta get out!!
'Richard: Aah! What the[bleep]s that?! Oh! [into walkie-talkie] There's something in here squeaking at me, I'll - I'll go home. [the noise continues] Oh. Ooh. What is that?! Agh, [bleep], adadadadagh!! I can't stand that!! I can't stand that!! [throws open his door] I've gotta get out!!
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [Reading a book about insects to Hammond, who has a phobia of them] Ooh, the botfly. Now, this is a marvellous thing. The botfly cannot sting a human directly, but captures smaller insects, lays its larvae upon them and then releases them. If the smaller host insect then bites the human, the botfly larvae are impregnated into the skin. The larvae then pupates inside the skin, at which point they eat their way out and fly away. The BBC Natural History Unit reports the case of a man, who was bitten behind the ear, and was kept awake at night by the sound of the botfly larvae eating the flesh inside his head.
[Cut to outside Richard's tent]
Jeremy: [narration] Hammond did not have a good night.
Richard: [from inside his tent] What's that? Aaagh! Ah! Stick insects! Something's honestly landed on my head - oh, what is that?! There's something that just flew in my hair and it's squeaking at me and it's big...!
[Cut to outside Richard's tent]
Jeremy: [narration] Hammond did not have a good night.
Richard: [from inside his tent] What's that? Aaagh! Ah! Stick insects! Something's honestly landed on my head - oh, what is that?! There's something that just flew in my hair and it's squeaking at me and it's big...!
TV Show: Top Gear
[The morning after they have first set camp in the Amazon]
Richard: [Voiceover] To get away from the creepy crawlies, I decided to seek refuge in my car.
Richard: [Opens door] Ooooookay... [Then shuts it again] Uh, guys...
[A little later...]
Jeremy: Oh! There IS a snake in your car.
[Richard quickly panics...]
Jeremy: It's coming up; it's coming up! It's known locally as the "Big Vicious Killer Snake"!
Richard: Thanks.
Richard: [Voiceover] To get away from the creepy crawlies, I decided to seek refuge in my car.
Richard: [Opens door] Ooooookay... [Then shuts it again] Uh, guys...
[A little later...]
Jeremy: Oh! There IS a snake in your car.
[Richard quickly panics...]
Jeremy: It's coming up; it's coming up! It's known locally as the "Big Vicious Killer Snake"!
Richard: Thanks.
TV Show: Top Gear
[While driving through the rainforest, Richard is still wondering who stole his trouser leg]
Richard: [into walkie-talkie] Come on, who's got my trouser leg?
[In Jeremy's truck, Jeremy is wearing Richard's trouser leg as a headcloth]
Jeremy: [into walkie-talkie, with mock innocence] Has your trouser leg gone missing?
Richard: [into walkie-talkie] Come on, who's got my trouser leg?
[In Jeremy's truck, Jeremy is wearing Richard's trouser leg as a headcloth]
Jeremy: [into walkie-talkie, with mock innocence] Has your trouser leg gone missing?
TV Show: Top Gear
[on Richard driving into the back of his Suzuki]
James: That honestly wasn't very funny three series ago, and it really isn't funny now.
Richard: I'm not doing it on purpose. No, I haven't got any brakes. That's how I stop!
James: That honestly wasn't very funny three series ago, and it really isn't funny now.
Richard: I'm not doing it on purpose. No, I haven't got any brakes. That's how I stop!
TV Show: Top Gear
[After pulling out Jeremy's Range Rover from the gulley]
Richard: [Voiceover] We realized we'd have to build a bridge... which made one of us very excited.
Jeremy: I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE!
Richard: [To James] Has he got a chainsaw?
[Jeremy fires up the chainsaw]
Jeremy: OH YES!
Richard: [Rather annoyed] Oh God...
Richard: [Voiceover] We realized we'd have to build a bridge... which made one of us very excited.
Jeremy: I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE!
Richard: [To James] Has he got a chainsaw?
[Jeremy fires up the chainsaw]
Jeremy: OH YES!
Richard: [Rather annoyed] Oh God...
TV Show: Top Gear
[In an attempt to cool his engine down, Jeremy stops to cut vents in the bonnet of his truck with a buzzsaw, but accidentally sets Richard's Toyota on fire with one of the sparks.]
Richard: Damn it, my car's on fire!
Jeremy: Well, put beer on it! [Richard empties his beer can onto the fire, while accusing Jeremy incomprehensibly] There's a fire extinguisher in the car, but ...
Richard: [interrupting] You set my car on fire!
Jeremy': I haven't got my glasses.
Richard: Put the bloody thing out! [Jeremy finally puts out the flames with the extinguisher] You burned my Toyota! Thank you. Yeah.
Richard: Damn it, my car's on fire!
Jeremy: Well, put beer on it! [Richard empties his beer can onto the fire, while accusing Jeremy incomprehensibly] There's a fire extinguisher in the car, but ...
Richard: [interrupting] You set my car on fire!
Jeremy': I haven't got my glasses.
Richard: Put the bloody thing out! [Jeremy finally puts out the flames with the extinguisher] You burned my Toyota! Thank you. Yeah.
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard: I can't remember if I took my malaria pill this morning. If I were a girl, I'd be pregnant a lot!
TV Show: Top Gear
[After emerging from the rainforest and onto a dirt road, James and Hammond's cars, due to the lack of protection, are battered and clattering after having driven through dense jungle]
Richard: [in his truck, provoked] Aaaaagh, God!
[In James's truck]
James: [to his car] Stop it!!
[In Jeremy's truck, which hardly has any damage...]
Jeremy: [into walkie-talkie] Uh, just answer me this simple question: How comfortable are you two right now?
[In Richard's Toyota]
Richard: [into walkie-talkie, sarcastic casualty] D'you know it's absolutely lovely, it's like a big bed and mattress. I really am - oh, yeah! Relaxing. Yeah...!
[James's truck goes over a bump]
James: Oh! Jesus.
[In Jeremy's truck]
Jeremy: Have I broken James's spine? There'll be two Ted Nugents in a minute.
[back in Richard's truck]
Richard: [irritated] Oh, I'm so sick of that noise!! [to the car] STOP RATTLING AT ME!
Richard: [in his truck, provoked] Aaaaagh, God!
[In James's truck]
James: [to his car] Stop it!!
[In Jeremy's truck, which hardly has any damage...]
Jeremy: [into walkie-talkie] Uh, just answer me this simple question: How comfortable are you two right now?
[In Richard's Toyota]
Richard: [into walkie-talkie, sarcastic casualty] D'you know it's absolutely lovely, it's like a big bed and mattress. I really am - oh, yeah! Relaxing. Yeah...!
[James's truck goes over a bump]
James: Oh! Jesus.
[In Jeremy's truck]
Jeremy: Have I broken James's spine? There'll be two Ted Nugents in a minute.
[back in Richard's truck]
Richard: [irritated] Oh, I'm so sick of that noise!! [to the car] STOP RATTLING AT ME!
TV Show: Top Gear
[On the "Road of Death", regarding the broken suspension on James' car]
Jeremy: James, I don't know about the rear suspension design on the Suzuki.
Richard: The shock absorber is traditionally attached at both ends.
Jeremy: James, I don't know about the rear suspension design on the Suzuki.
Richard: The shock absorber is traditionally attached at both ends.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [Attempting to waterproof their cars] Right. These are condoms...
Richard: Do you two need some time to yourselves?
Richard: Do you two need some time to yourselves?
TV Show: Top Gear
[Driving along the Road of Death in the dark, long since abandoned by Jeremy]
James: Hammond, I want to say something to you that I wouldn't say at any other time.
Richard: ...What...?
James: ...Please don't leave me.
James: Hammond, I want to say something to you that I wouldn't say at any other time.
Richard: ...What...?
James: ...Please don't leave me.
TV Show: Top Gear
[On crossing the Chilean border]
Jeremy: At the border post we were given the traditional welcome.
[At the border post...]
Jeremy: MY ARSE!
Jeremy: At the border post we were given the traditional welcome.
[At the border post...]
Jeremy: MY ARSE!
TV Show: Top Gear
[On crossing the Atacama Desert, which is devoid of all life]
Jeremy: Richard Hammond was the smallest living organism for miles!
Jeremy: Richard Hammond was the smallest living organism for miles!
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: I have a teddy bear. I've had it since the day I was born. One of its arms has fallen off, one of its eyes is missing, his head has come off more times than I can mention. To you it would be worthless junk, but to me it means everything and it's the same story with this car.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [upon seeing Hammond’s car and finding out that James has gone over budget] We’re not three wise men, we’re one wise man, an idiot and a cheat.
TV Show: Top Gear
[debating where they’re landing]
James: Are we in China?
Richard: No, we’re in the east, Norfolk.
James: Are we in China?
Richard: No, we’re in the east, Norfolk.
TV Show: Top Gear
James: [in the transport plane, with the back open while they were still in the air] Hammond! Put your handbrake on!
TV Show: Top Gear
[after a rush from the landing plane]
Richard: I’m alive! I’m hiding in a big shed!
Richard: I’m alive! I’m hiding in a big shed!
TV Show: Top Gear
[after Jeremy suggest to get out of Iraq as quickly as possible by going towards the Iranian border]
Richard: Wait, Bethlehem is here, isn't it? (while pointing at Bethlehem on the map)
Jeremy and James: Yeah.
Richard: So that's the way we want to go.
Jeremy: Yes, through places like Mosul and Baghdad perhaps. Have you ever seen a television programme called The News?
Richard: Well, I'm aware of it.
Richard: Wait, Bethlehem is here, isn't it? (while pointing at Bethlehem on the map)
Jeremy and James: Yeah.
Richard: So that's the way we want to go.
Jeremy: Yes, through places like Mosul and Baghdad perhaps. Have you ever seen a television programme called The News?
Richard: Well, I'm aware of it.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: If I get kidnapped, none of this ‘we don’t give into kidnappers'. Just pay. I don’t want to be beheaded on the Internet.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: I’m not going round the- [Hammond uses his car to push Clarkson’s] I am going round the corner. Hammond! Don’t be an arse!
TV Show: Top Gear
James: [after fixing his BMW, being followed by many children] What I couldn’t have done without those meddling kids.
TV Show: Top Gear