Top Gear Quotes
[on the Black Stig crashing into the sea]
Jeremy: Uhh... that was not supposed to happen.
Jeremy: Uhh... that was not supposed to happen.
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: we drive like this... (showing a corner being tackled sideways) on the road!!!... Stephen Fry in our Reasonably-Priced Car... and how many caravans can you jump with a Volvo?
Jeremy: Tonight: we drive like this... (showing a corner being tackled sideways) on the road!!!... Stephen Fry in our Reasonably-Priced Car... and how many caravans can you jump with a Volvo?
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the BMW M3 CSL
Jeremy: Think of it as a BMW with bulimia.
[...]
Jeremy: You even look at that engine, it'll kill you.
[...]
Jeremy: You have to sign a disclaimer before you buy a CSL saying that you understand that the tyres won't work in the rain or if it's a bit chilly. What a car!
Jeremy: Think of it as a BMW with bulimia.
[...]
Jeremy: You even look at that engine, it'll kill you.
[...]
Jeremy: You have to sign a disclaimer before you buy a CSL saying that you understand that the tyres won't work in the rain or if it's a bit chilly. What a car!
TV Show: Top Gear
[on caravanners]
Richard: Every summer they arrive, ruining our roads just so they can pull up side by side with their new best friends and pee in a bucket.
Richard: Every summer they arrive, ruining our roads just so they can pull up side by side with their new best friends and pee in a bucket.
TV Show: Top Gear
James: In 1979 in Britain, the BMW M1 cost about £35,000, which sounds very reasonable. Until you discover that the Ferrari 308 GTS was less than 20 grand. And here's another thing, look. [raps on door panel]GRP, or plastic to you - on a BMW. How much worse could it get? Well, while the car was being designed, the rules for sports racing cars were changed, so by the time it came out, it wasn't competitive anyway. What a farce.
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard: There's no end of sensible, practical cars that'll happily rip your face off, and we owe it all to the M5.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Isn't the Isle of Man just amazing?
Richard: It's fabulous! It's like someone's gone out and designed Top Gear Fantasy Island specially for us!
James: I was absolutely blown away by those kippers.
Richard: Yes, the kippers were good —
Jeremy: Yes, but there's no speed limits here, James! "Ooh I know, but the kippers!"
James: I'll have another kipper.
Richard: They were good, though!
Richard: It's fabulous! It's like someone's gone out and designed Top Gear Fantasy Island specially for us!
James: I was absolutely blown away by those kippers.
Richard: Yes, the kippers were good —
Jeremy: Yes, but there's no speed limits here, James! "Ooh I know, but the kippers!"
James: I'll have another kipper.
Richard: They were good, though!
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: (To Stephen Fry) Have you, um, have you been to the Isle of Man?
Stephen: Yes, you go to the airport, you say "I love Man!" and they say, "Not here you don't!"
Stephen: Yes, you go to the airport, you say "I love Man!" and they say, "Not here you don't!"
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: You could be birched for loving man there.
Stephen: Yes, which is something people pay a lot of money for in London, so it's like a free service.
Stephen: Yes, which is something people pay a lot of money for in London, so it's like a free service.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Some of the laws they have are fabulous! Handguns, for instance, are legal there! And you can be charged with "furious driving"! I'd love to have that on my licence!
TV Show: Top Gear
Stephen: Well, I'm a sort of lefty in a way, but I cannot tell you the overmastering hatred I feel, the waves of disgust when there is that, that frowny-faced woman on the bicycle who looks at you as if you are the symbol of all capitalism and meat-eating and penis-owning - you know, you are the enemy of the people, you are the enemy of the planet, you are globalization - you are Capitalism with a huge cigar - just because you might've slightly blown her off course on her blasted bicycle!
TV Show: Top Gear
Stephen: I came so close to losing my licence almost exactly a year ago. I was pootling along the M11 at a hundred and *hrm* miles per hour, and fortunately they took an average, which was 99.8.
Jeremy: An average from when you got into the car.
Stephen: Yes, quite. From the centre of London.
Jeremy: An average from when you got into the car.
Stephen: Yes, quite. From the centre of London.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the benefits of driving a decommissioned black cab in London]
Stephen: Other cabs let you in, you know - "cabaraderie", I call it.
Stephen: Other cabs let you in, you know - "cabaraderie", I call it.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: But it's strange, because most of the people I know who speak Latin find cars really rather trivial and infantile.
TV Show: Top Gear
Stephen: Yes... yes... you've written well and turgidly about Norfolk! Not turgidly, exactly.
Jeremy: Well, it was just, that time, the first - well, not the first time I went there, but I can remember, not that long ago, driving along a main road, filled up with petrol and I gave the bloke in the cashpoint my credit card... he just put it in the till! "No, no... no, no... you're supposed to swipe it..."
Stephen: This is the home of Lotus! It's an advanced, sophisticated county!
Jeremy: Now, you see, that was a bad example.
Stephen: Well, there were the - all right, but it's a... it's a mysterious county. There are - you go through a beautiful Old World village with a sort of mullion-windowed rectory with ivy over it and the squire's house and a beautiful old church, and then a sign saying, "HOT RODDING".
Jeremy: Well, it was just, that time, the first - well, not the first time I went there, but I can remember, not that long ago, driving along a main road, filled up with petrol and I gave the bloke in the cashpoint my credit card... he just put it in the till! "No, no... no, no... you're supposed to swipe it..."
Stephen: This is the home of Lotus! It's an advanced, sophisticated county!
Jeremy: Now, you see, that was a bad example.
Stephen: Well, there were the - all right, but it's a... it's a mysterious county. There are - you go through a beautiful Old World village with a sort of mullion-windowed rectory with ivy over it and the squire's house and a beautiful old church, and then a sign saying, "HOT RODDING".
TV Show: Top Gear
[watching himself on tape driving the reasonably-priced car]
Stephen: Look at him, doesn't he look a dick.
Stephen: Look at him, doesn't he look a dick.
TV Show: Top Gear
James: Obviously, driving a convertible yellow Porsche raises certain sociological issues. I mean, some people are going to look at me, I know, and think I'm a merchant banker.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Honda S2000]
Jeremy: So it's powerful, extraordinary value for money, and more reliable than a wood-burning stove.
Jeremy: So it's powerful, extraordinary value for money, and more reliable than a wood-burning stove.
TV Show: Top Gear
James: The reason the Porsche, I think, is the best car is, you know when you drive some cars, you get a, a sense that the car is smiling, when you're driving?
Richard: What on Earth are you talking about?
Richard: What on Earth are you talking about?
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: James drives a car that you can hand on to your grandchildren; I engage reheat in a hot Saab; And Richard almost drowns!
Jeremy: Tonight: James drives a car that you can hand on to your grandchildren; I engage reheat in a hot Saab; And Richard almost drowns!
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Bentley Continental GT]
Jeremy: There's no way the aristocracy is going to buy this car. I mean, these days they have to burn their children just to stay warm, and all their furniture's held together by the moths that ate it.
[...]
Jeremy: It's like doing 5000 miles an hour in Douglas Bader's sponge bag.
[criticising the armrests]
Jeremy: They are completely pointless. Speaking of which: this button here allows you to adjust the hardness of the suspension, like so. Why do you need that? Why would you want to make your Bentley more uncomfortable? It really is as useful as a snooze button on a smoke alarm.
[...]
Jeremy: The old four-door Arnage is a symphony of pomp and circumstance, hope and glory - absolute power corrupting absolutely. Oh, it isn't very good, but there's such a sense of occasion when you drive it. This is the other way round: brilliant, sensationally fast, handles beautifully, and it'll almost certainly be reliable. But it leaves you feeling... just a little bit cold.
Jeremy: There's no way the aristocracy is going to buy this car. I mean, these days they have to burn their children just to stay warm, and all their furniture's held together by the moths that ate it.
[...]
Jeremy: It's like doing 5000 miles an hour in Douglas Bader's sponge bag.
[criticising the armrests]
Jeremy: They are completely pointless. Speaking of which: this button here allows you to adjust the hardness of the suspension, like so. Why do you need that? Why would you want to make your Bentley more uncomfortable? It really is as useful as a snooze button on a smoke alarm.
[...]
Jeremy: The old four-door Arnage is a symphony of pomp and circumstance, hope and glory - absolute power corrupting absolutely. Oh, it isn't very good, but there's such a sense of occasion when you drive it. This is the other way round: brilliant, sensationally fast, handles beautifully, and it'll almost certainly be reliable. But it leaves you feeling... just a little bit cold.
TV Show: Top Gear
[after pausing the playback of his escape-from-a-sinking-car film]
Richard: And we'll find out later if I die.
Richard: And we'll find out later if I die.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Jaguar R-D6 concept car]
James: But the bit I really like is the inside. Have a look at this. Now have a look at that black leather and all those shiny bits, and those red lights down in the footwell. Now clearly a Jaguar designer got completely lashed at a vodka bar and thought, [in drunken voice] "Uhh, I'll make it look like thish then." So obviously there'll be a bouncer on the door, telling you you can't come in 'cause you've got trainers on.
Richard: It's a gorgeous-looking thing, I think it's fab. But here's the thing I don't get about Jaguar concept cars. Two years ago, about then, they showed us XK180, and there it is, that was to show us what Jaguars of the future will look like. But then last year, they did the R Coupé, to show us what Jaguars of the future will look like. And now they're back again with this, to show us what Jaguars of the future will look like.
James: Now look, Jaguar. You have made your point. Just make the car.
James: But the bit I really like is the inside. Have a look at this. Now have a look at that black leather and all those shiny bits, and those red lights down in the footwell. Now clearly a Jaguar designer got completely lashed at a vodka bar and thought, [in drunken voice] "Uhh, I'll make it look like thish then." So obviously there'll be a bouncer on the door, telling you you can't come in 'cause you've got trainers on.
Richard: It's a gorgeous-looking thing, I think it's fab. But here's the thing I don't get about Jaguar concept cars. Two years ago, about then, they showed us XK180, and there it is, that was to show us what Jaguars of the future will look like. But then last year, they did the R Coupé, to show us what Jaguars of the future will look like. And now they're back again with this, to show us what Jaguars of the future will look like.
James: Now look, Jaguar. You have made your point. Just make the car.
TV Show: Top Gear
[interviewing Rob Brydon]
Jeremy: You have had the most wretched car history of anyone I've ever, ever met. We start off, where were we, radio DJ...
Rob: [DJ voice] BBC Radio Wales. Good morning!
Jeremy: You bought yourself a Volkswagen Polo.
Rob: Brand new.
Jeremy: Brand new! Things going well. Your next car... is a third-hand Vauxhall Carlton. What in God's name possessed you to do that?
Rob: You know, my dad came across it, you know, it was reasonably priced... it was a big, brown Vauxhall Carlton -
Jeremy: Brown!
Rob: Wait, let me finish. It was a big brown Vauxhall Carlton, the inside was a kind of creamy sort of biscuit colour, it was velour, the seats. It was a nice car, it got me from A to B, that was not the worst of my cars.
Jeremy: What, you're trying to say the green Sierra you had was -
Rob: That was the worst, yes.
Jeremy: What possessed you to do that?
Rob: Um, my dad came across it, you know, it was a good price...
Jeremy: Did you branch out on your own for the 1992 Ford Escort?
Rob: Now! The 1992 Ford Escort, I thought, and I don't know anything about cars -
Jeremy: That's obvious.
Rob: - was quite a sexy little car. I quite liked it, actually.
Jeremy: Have you ever actually watched Top Gear? 'Cause you might...
Rob: I've never seen a whole one, no. [Jeremy looks dismayed, audience applauds] It clashes with Heartbeat, OK, which goes against you.
Jeremy: I know! But I do make a special effort to watch Marion and Geoff. You should try to watch one all the way through. Because after the Escort... you're not going to believe this, ladies and gentlemen...
Rob: Oh, I know what you're going to say now, yeah. OK.
Jeremy: You have had the most wretched car history of anyone I've ever, ever met. We start off, where were we, radio DJ...
Rob: [DJ voice] BBC Radio Wales. Good morning!
Jeremy: You bought yourself a Volkswagen Polo.
Rob: Brand new.
Jeremy: Brand new! Things going well. Your next car... is a third-hand Vauxhall Carlton. What in God's name possessed you to do that?
Rob: You know, my dad came across it, you know, it was reasonably priced... it was a big, brown Vauxhall Carlton -
Jeremy: Brown!
Rob: Wait, let me finish. It was a big brown Vauxhall Carlton, the inside was a kind of creamy sort of biscuit colour, it was velour, the seats. It was a nice car, it got me from A to B, that was not the worst of my cars.
Jeremy: What, you're trying to say the green Sierra you had was -
Rob: That was the worst, yes.
Jeremy: What possessed you to do that?
Rob: Um, my dad came across it, you know, it was a good price...
Jeremy: Did you branch out on your own for the 1992 Ford Escort?
Rob: Now! The 1992 Ford Escort, I thought, and I don't know anything about cars -
Jeremy: That's obvious.
Rob: - was quite a sexy little car. I quite liked it, actually.
Jeremy: Have you ever actually watched Top Gear? 'Cause you might...
Rob: I've never seen a whole one, no. [Jeremy looks dismayed, audience applauds] It clashes with Heartbeat, OK, which goes against you.
Jeremy: I know! But I do make a special effort to watch Marion and Geoff. You should try to watch one all the way through. Because after the Escort... you're not going to believe this, ladies and gentlemen...
Rob: Oh, I know what you're going to say now, yeah. OK.
TV Show: Top Gear