Two and a Half Men Quotes
Alan: [reads newspaper headline]: "Mudslide kills 600 religious pilgrims." And yet both my ex-wives live on.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Rose: Boy, you look like hell.
Charlie: Well, that's strange, 'cause I feel like crap.
Charlie: Well, that's strange, 'cause I feel like crap.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Let me tell you something about feelings. Feelings are like your mother's breasts. You know where they are, but they are best left unfelt.
Rose: It's an interesting analogy, but may I point out that a mother's breasts are a source for nourishment and comfort?
Charlie: Yeah, well, my mother's breasts were a source of silicone and Russian vodka.
Rose: It's an interesting analogy, but may I point out that a mother's breasts are a source for nourishment and comfort?
Charlie: Yeah, well, my mother's breasts were a source of silicone and Russian vodka.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Yeah, well, I don't have to face anything I don't want to face, and I don't have to feel anything I don't want to feel, and that includes Mom's vodka knockers!
Jake: Who is this "Vod Kanockers" that you speak of?
Alan: Eat your dinner.
Jake: The name's Kanockers. Vod Kanockers.
Jake: Who is this "Vod Kanockers" that you speak of?
Alan: Eat your dinner.
Jake: The name's Kanockers. Vod Kanockers.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Looks like you had a tough night.
Charlie: No, the night was great. It's the morning that's killing me!
Charlie: No, the night was great. It's the morning that's killing me!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jake: If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with only one leg work at? [pause]IHOP!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Steven Tyler: Hey, a lot of people pay to see me play harmonica.
Charlie: They pay to hear you sing. They tolerate the harmonica!
Steven Tyler: Sorry I don't measure up to your musical standards, you lame-ass jingle writer!
Charlie: All right, let's see how you play harmonica out your other end!
Alan: Now, now-now-now-now, let's slow down here, c'mon.
Steven Tyler: Let's see what you got, jingle balls!
Charlie: OK, I'm gonna rip off your big fat lips and use 'em to kiss my ass!
Charlie: They pay to hear you sing. They tolerate the harmonica!
Steven Tyler: Sorry I don't measure up to your musical standards, you lame-ass jingle writer!
Charlie: All right, let's see how you play harmonica out your other end!
Alan: Now, now-now-now-now, let's slow down here, c'mon.
Steven Tyler: Let's see what you got, jingle balls!
Charlie: OK, I'm gonna rip off your big fat lips and use 'em to kiss my ass!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[a bandaged Charlie is making a needlepoint sampler]
Alan: "God bless Vicoden?"
Charlie: Pretty good, huh?
Alan: You spelled "Vicodin" wrong.
Charlie: That's the great thing about Vicodin. I don't care.
Alan: "God bless Vicoden?"
Charlie: Pretty good, huh?
Alan: You spelled "Vicodin" wrong.
Charlie: That's the great thing about Vicodin. I don't care.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: OK, well, good luck with the tour!
Steven Tyler: Thanks a lot, man.
Charlie: Who's the sponsor, Metamucil?
Steven Tyler: What was that?
Charlie: Nothing, nothing.
Steven Tyler: Thanks a lot, man.
Charlie: Who's the sponsor, Metamucil?
Steven Tyler: What was that?
Charlie: Nothing, nothing.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: You're going to hell, you know?
Charlie: I don't think so. I believe in a loving God who forgives little fibs as long as they lead to recreational sex.
Alan: You really wanna drag God into this?
Charlie: Who gave me the penis, Alan?
Charlie: I don't think so. I believe in a loving God who forgives little fibs as long as they lead to recreational sex.
Alan: You really wanna drag God into this?
Charlie: Who gave me the penis, Alan?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Since when do you have a wet suit?
Charlie: Since I moved to the beach and noticed that it was full of hot surfer chicks. [blows dust off his surfboard] If I lived next to Jellystone Park, I'd have a bear suit and a "pic-a-nic" basket.
Charlie: Since I moved to the beach and noticed that it was full of hot surfer chicks. [blows dust off his surfboard] If I lived next to Jellystone Park, I'd have a bear suit and a "pic-a-nic" basket.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: How about this: When was the last time you called her [Evelyn] just to see how she was doing?
Charlie: Uh, whoo. What's today, Sunday? Then never.
Alan: Why don't you start with that?
Charlie: OK, fine. [takes his phone out of his pocket]
Alan: Remember her number?
Charlie: I've got it on speed dial. 666. Cute, huh?
Charlie: Uh, whoo. What's today, Sunday? Then never.
Alan: Why don't you start with that?
Charlie: OK, fine. [takes his phone out of his pocket]
Alan: Remember her number?
Charlie: I've got it on speed dial. 666. Cute, huh?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Evelyn: Charlie was a planned baby.
Alan: What was I?
Evelyn: Well, dear, you were a pitcher of margaritas and a gas station condom.
[later]
Alan: Who buys condoms at a gas station?
Alan: What was I?
Evelyn: Well, dear, you were a pitcher of margaritas and a gas station condom.
[later]
Alan: Who buys condoms at a gas station?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[after Evelyn's plastic surgery]
Alan: What happened to your mouth?
Evelyn: I just had a little procedure.
Alan: What kind of procedure?
Charlie: They sucked some fat out of her ass and shot it into her lips.
Alan: What did they do, use the whole ass?
Alan: What happened to your mouth?
Evelyn: I just had a little procedure.
Alan: What kind of procedure?
Charlie: They sucked some fat out of her ass and shot it into her lips.
Alan: What did they do, use the whole ass?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jake: [To Evelyn after her plastic surgery] Dad says you got your butt in your lips. SO if you burp now it'll really be a fart right?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan[on the phone with Kandi]: Oh, well, then, maybe you can explain to me why I'm the one who feeds Chester, gives Chester tick baths, and cleans up when Chester piddles on the rug!
Charlie[to Jake]: When'd you change your name to Chester?
Charlie[to Jake]: When'd you change your name to Chester?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Who knows more about girls than your Uncle Charlie?
Berta: Warren Beatty, Bill Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell...
Berta: Warren Beatty, Bill Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell...
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Kandi: Are you sure it doesn't have anything to do with sex?
Kandi's lawyer: Positive.
Kandi: Huh, sure sounds like it. "Subpoenas."
Kandi's lawyer: Positive.
Kandi: Huh, sure sounds like it. "Subpoenas."
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jake: What do I have to do for you?
Charlie: Just promise to be sad at my funeral.
Jake: Do I have to cry?
Charlie: No.
Jake: Will there be food?
Charlie: Yes.
Jake: Can I bring a date?
Charlie: You're just screwing with me now, right?
Jake: How does it feel?
Charlie: Just promise to be sad at my funeral.
Jake: Do I have to cry?
Charlie: No.
Jake: Will there be food?
Charlie: Yes.
Jake: Can I bring a date?
Charlie: You're just screwing with me now, right?
Jake: How does it feel?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: What the hell is this?
Alan: This is Chester. Isn't he cute? [to Chester]: Yes, you are! Yes, you are!
Charlie: He's not staying here, Alan.
Alan: Well, with all due respect, that's what you said about me.
Charlie: It's because no kennel in town would take you!
Alan: This is Chester. Isn't he cute? [to Chester]: Yes, you are! Yes, you are!
Charlie: He's not staying here, Alan.
Alan: Well, with all due respect, that's what you said about me.
Charlie: It's because no kennel in town would take you!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: I stole him [Chester].
Charlie: Oh, Alan... I may think with my penis, but at least I think!
Charlie: Oh, Alan... I may think with my penis, but at least I think!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: No dogs in my house, especially not stolen ones that are large enough to make me their bitch.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: In my entire life, Chester is the only living thing I ever slept with that didn't sue me for alimony.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Hey, after the kid goes back to his mother's, you want to go out to grab some dinner?
Alan: I can't go out to dinner, Charlie.
Charlie: "Why not? You got a date?" he said, knowing the answer but asking anyway, just to be polite.
Alan: "No, I don't have a date," he replied, all the while thinking, "Bite me, you booze-addled buffoon."
Alan: I can't go out to dinner, Charlie.
Charlie: "Why not? You got a date?" he said, knowing the answer but asking anyway, just to be polite.
Alan: "No, I don't have a date," he replied, all the while thinking, "Bite me, you booze-addled buffoon."
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Alan and Charlie find out that Judith is getting remarried]
Charlie: A-five, six, seven, eight...
Alan: [sings and dances] No more alimony! No more alimony! No more alimony! No more alimony!
Charlie: A-five, six, seven, eight...
Alan: [sings and dances] No more alimony! No more alimony! No more alimony! No more alimony!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Why did you run away?
Jake: Because I hate it there.
Alan: Is this about the upcoming nuptials?
Jake: It's nothing to do with puberty, Dad! It's about Mom getting married.
Alan: I-- I thought you liked Dr. Melnick.
Jake: That was when they were just dating. Now he thinks he can tell me what to do. He's not my father.
Alan: You don't do what I tell you to do!
Jake: Yeah, but Mom doesn't care about that.
Jake: Because I hate it there.
Alan: Is this about the upcoming nuptials?
Jake: It's nothing to do with puberty, Dad! It's about Mom getting married.
Alan: I-- I thought you liked Dr. Melnick.
Jake: That was when they were just dating. Now he thinks he can tell me what to do. He's not my father.
Alan: You don't do what I tell you to do!
Jake: Yeah, but Mom doesn't care about that.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan[to Jake]: All right, buddy, I'm gonna have to tell you something pretty heavy, but... I think it's something that you're old enough to understand. You can do better than me.
Charlie: Way better.
Charlie: Way better.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Until he [Jake] was ten, I had him convinced that swizzle sticks were money!
Alan: Hey, hey, uh, uh, speaking of swizzle sticks, ha-- have you considered eloping to Vegas?
Herb: Hmmm. No, we haven't--
Alan: No, I know what you're thinking, "tacky-tacky," but... uh, it's classy and very romantic.
Charlie: Yeah, some of the hotel rooms have those big mirrored walls. It's like watching your ass bob up and down in IMAX.
Alan: Hey, hey, uh, uh, speaking of swizzle sticks, ha-- have you considered eloping to Vegas?
Herb: Hmmm. No, we haven't--
Alan: No, I know what you're thinking, "tacky-tacky," but... uh, it's classy and very romantic.
Charlie: Yeah, some of the hotel rooms have those big mirrored walls. It's like watching your ass bob up and down in IMAX.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Jake can have a little brother-- that would be a blessing for him, would it?
Herb: Oh, I don't know if I want more kids.
Alan: Then wear a condom. Besides, Jake's used to being an only child.
Charlie: If there was a new one, he'd probably eat it by mistake.
Herb: Oh, I don't know if I want more kids.
Alan: Then wear a condom. Besides, Jake's used to being an only child.
Charlie: If there was a new one, he'd probably eat it by mistake.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Alan is trying to hang up on Judith]
Alan: Yeah, I-I-I... I think this phone is 'unning outta 'atteries. I 'aid, 'is 'one is 'unning outta 'atteries. 'ood-bye, 'udith. [hangs up] Think she bought it?
Charlie: If she did, she's 'upider than 'ou.
Alan: Yeah, I-I-I... I think this phone is 'unning outta 'atteries. I 'aid, 'is 'one is 'unning outta 'atteries. 'ood-bye, 'udith. [hangs up] Think she bought it?
Charlie: If she did, she's 'upider than 'ou.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men