Two and a Half Men Quotes
Lydia: So sorry to hear about your troubles.
Alan: Troubles? What troubles?
Lydia: Oh, maybe I have it wrong. Charlie, didn't you tell me he was divorced, broke, and living on your couch?
Charlie[to Alan]: I don't know what she's talking about.
Alan: Troubles? What troubles?
Lydia: Oh, maybe I have it wrong. Charlie, didn't you tell me he was divorced, broke, and living on your couch?
Charlie[to Alan]: I don't know what she's talking about.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: And, uh, uh, this is my housekeeper, Berta. Berta, Lydia.
Berta: Choose your words carefully, slim.
Lydia: "Slim?" Why, thank you. I watch what I eat.
Berta: Going in or coming out?
Berta: Choose your words carefully, slim.
Lydia: "Slim?" Why, thank you. I watch what I eat.
Berta: Going in or coming out?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jake: Hey Dad, do you like Uncle Charlie's new girlfriend?
Alan: Well, I just met her the one time, so...no, not really.
Jake: You know what she reminds me of? The girls at school who think they rule the world, just cos they got their boobs!
Alan: Well, I hate to tell you buddy, but they kinda do!
Alan: Well, I just met her the one time, so...no, not really.
Jake: You know what she reminds me of? The girls at school who think they rule the world, just cos they got their boobs!
Alan: Well, I hate to tell you buddy, but they kinda do!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Waiter: Good to have you back, Mr Harper. We haven't seen your mother here for quite some time.
Charlie: Maybe you just didn't recognise her. Like Satan, my mother can take many forms!
[A few moments later, after the waiter has been subjected to Lydia's sarcastic and abrasive manner]
Waiter: [in an undertone to Charlie] Many forms. I thought you were joking!
Charlie: Maybe you just didn't recognise her. Like Satan, my mother can take many forms!
[A few moments later, after the waiter has been subjected to Lydia's sarcastic and abrasive manner]
Waiter: [in an undertone to Charlie] Many forms. I thought you were joking!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: All right, she [Lydia] might be a bit outspoken, but I happen to find that very attractive.
Jake: She must be dynamite in the sack.
Alan: Where do you get this stuff from?
Jake: Cinemax.
Charlie: Well, not that my sex life is any of your business--
Alan: It's not his business. It-- it's nobody's business. So, uh, what does she do for a living?
Jake: Besides being a stone-cold bee-yotch. [Charlie and Alan stare at him]HBO.
Jake: She must be dynamite in the sack.
Alan: Where do you get this stuff from?
Jake: Cinemax.
Charlie: Well, not that my sex life is any of your business--
Alan: It's not his business. It-- it's nobody's business. So, uh, what does she do for a living?
Jake: Besides being a stone-cold bee-yotch. [Charlie and Alan stare at him]HBO.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Evelyn: What do you do? I mean, besides my son.
Lydia: I'm in real estate.
Evelyn: How interesting, so am I.
Lydia: Oh, yes, Evelyn Harper! I recognize you from your bus bench ads. People all over town are sitting on your face.
Evelyn: Well, dear, maybe someday if you work hard, people will be sitting on your face too.
Lydia: I'm in real estate.
Evelyn: How interesting, so am I.
Lydia: Oh, yes, Evelyn Harper! I recognize you from your bus bench ads. People all over town are sitting on your face.
Evelyn: Well, dear, maybe someday if you work hard, people will be sitting on your face too.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Evelyn: So Charlie, how long have you been seeing this... lovely woman?
Charlie: Er...how long has it been, sweetie?
Lydia: Are you telling me you don't remember when we met?
Evelyn: The way he drinks?! There's a good chance he doesn't remember coming down the stairs!
Lydia: Did his father drink?
Charlie: What choice did he have?!
Charlie: Er...how long has it been, sweetie?
Lydia: Are you telling me you don't remember when we met?
Evelyn: The way he drinks?! There's a good chance he doesn't remember coming down the stairs!
Lydia: Did his father drink?
Charlie: What choice did he have?!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Charlie, it's OK. You've been working out your maternal issues by having sex with other women your entire life. All you're doing now is cutting out the middle man.
Charlie: Oh, that is just sick!
Alan: My point exactly.
Charlie: Oh, that is just sick!
Alan: My point exactly.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Naomi: [She's pregnant] Hi.
Alan: Hi.
Naomi: Yeah... I'm not sure I have the right address.
Alan: No, you got the right address. Charlie, it's for you!
Charlie: Who is it?
Alan: Karma!
Charlie: What?
Alan: Your chickens have come home to roost.
Charlie: Chickens? Karma? Alan, what the hell are you talking...
[Charlie sees Naomi]
Charlie: Ohhhhhh. Charlie, it's for you!
Alan: Hi.
Naomi: Yeah... I'm not sure I have the right address.
Alan: No, you got the right address. Charlie, it's for you!
Charlie: Who is it?
Alan: Karma!
Charlie: What?
Alan: Your chickens have come home to roost.
Charlie: Chickens? Karma? Alan, what the hell are you talking...
[Charlie sees Naomi]
Charlie: Ohhhhhh. Charlie, it's for you!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Hey... Great...to see you...again.
Naomi: Yeah, I don't think we've met.
Charlie: Really?
Naomi: Really.
Charlie: (Shoves Alan) Are you trying to give me a stroke?!?
Naomi: Yeah, I don't think we've met.
Charlie: Really?
Naomi: Really.
Charlie: (Shoves Alan) Are you trying to give me a stroke?!?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Berta: Charlie, Alan, I'd like you to meet my youngest daughter Naomi. The light of my life. A little angel who swooped down from Heaven and landed on a married man's penis.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: When Judith was pregnant with Jake, I-- I don't know if it was hormones or pheromones, but... she just couldn't get enough of me. And ever since then, every time I see a pregnant woman I just... [lustful moan]
Charlie: OK, seriously, you got to stop that.
Alan: I am telling you, it was nine months of the hottest sex we've ever had, even with the morning sickness and hemorrhoids.
Charlie: Oh. Maybe that explains Jake's grades.
Alan: The morning sickness and hemorrhoids?
Charlie: No, the repeated blows to his unformed head.
Alan: You are-- are such an idiot. All the experts agree that sex during pregnancy is not harmful to the baby.
Charlie: Experts, schmexperts. Tonight when you're sleeping, I'm gonna come in and start poking you in the ear with a hot dog. See how you like it.
Charlie: OK, seriously, you got to stop that.
Alan: I am telling you, it was nine months of the hottest sex we've ever had, even with the morning sickness and hemorrhoids.
Charlie: Oh. Maybe that explains Jake's grades.
Alan: The morning sickness and hemorrhoids?
Charlie: No, the repeated blows to his unformed head.
Alan: You are-- are such an idiot. All the experts agree that sex during pregnancy is not harmful to the baby.
Charlie: Experts, schmexperts. Tonight when you're sleeping, I'm gonna come in and start poking you in the ear with a hot dog. See how you like it.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Can we pull over for a minute?
Berta: In this neighborhood in a Mercedes? Sure, if you're partial to car theft and sodomy. Take a left right up here.
Charlie: That's not a road.
Berta: Well, not during rainy season.
Berta: In this neighborhood in a Mercedes? Sure, if you're partial to car theft and sodomy. Take a left right up here.
Charlie: That's not a road.
Berta: Well, not during rainy season.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Charlie looks at the trash cans outside Ronald's shack]
Charlie: Lot of cold medicine. They must have allergies or something.
Berta: You don't watch 60 Minutes, do you?
[Berta knocks on the door. Ronald answers]
Ronald: What?
Berta: You Ronald?
Ronald: No.
Darlene[inside]: Ronald, who is it?
Ronald: Damn it, Darlene! We're incognito, remember? [to Charlie and Berta]: You cops?
Berta: Yeah. I'm Scully; this is Mulder.
Charlie: Lot of cold medicine. They must have allergies or something.
Berta: You don't watch 60 Minutes, do you?
[Berta knocks on the door. Ronald answers]
Ronald: What?
Berta: You Ronald?
Ronald: No.
Darlene[inside]: Ronald, who is it?
Ronald: Damn it, Darlene! We're incognito, remember? [to Charlie and Berta]: You cops?
Berta: Yeah. I'm Scully; this is Mulder.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: I-- I'm sorry, I'm a little cranky. I-- I haven't slept in two days.
Jake: Why don't you take a pill?
Charlie: He doesn't believe in pills.
Jake: How can you not believe in them? They're on TV all the time!
Alan: Let me tell you something, Jake: Big pharmaceutical companies want you to think you can take a pill for everything. Can't sleep? Take a pill. Can't wake up? Take a pill. Feeling sad? Take a pill. Can't get it up? Take a pill.
Jake: Can't get what up?
Jake: Why don't you take a pill?
Charlie: He doesn't believe in pills.
Jake: How can you not believe in them? They're on TV all the time!
Alan: Let me tell you something, Jake: Big pharmaceutical companies want you to think you can take a pill for everything. Can't sleep? Take a pill. Can't wake up? Take a pill. Feeling sad? Take a pill. Can't get it up? Take a pill.
Jake: Can't get what up?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: He's [Jake] growing up, getting a life of his own. He'll be going off to college soon. I'll only see him on holidays, only hear from him when he needs money -- not that I'll have any, I'll still be paying alimony to two ex-wives! And college tuition? That just means selling an organ or turning tricks. And for what? So that he can get a worthless piece of paper that he can then fold into a hat to wear to the fast food job that he will probably get fired from for stealing fries from the customers' bags! [he leaves the kitchen]
Jake: I do like fries.
Jake: I do like fries.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Oh, would you please just get your drunken ass out of bed and stop being a waste of skin for once in your life?!
Charlie: Well, since you said "please".
Charlie: Well, since you said "please".
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Dr. Freeman: You dozed off for 40 minutes, Alan.
Alan: You're gonna charge me for that?!
Dr. Freeman: I was awake.
Alan: You're gonna charge me for that?!
Dr. Freeman: I was awake.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Why would I hit on Taylor's mom?
Jake: Well, she's kind of pretty, and you'll hit on anything with a pulse.
Charlie: Where'd you get that?
Jake: My mom.
Charlie: Oh. Well...
Jake: And my dad, Berta, Rose, Grandma...
Charlie: OK, OK!
Jake: ...the UPS man...
Charlie: All right!
Jake: Well, she's kind of pretty, and you'll hit on anything with a pulse.
Charlie: Where'd you get that?
Jake: My mom.
Charlie: Oh. Well...
Jake: And my dad, Berta, Rose, Grandma...
Charlie: OK, OK!
Jake: ...the UPS man...
Charlie: All right!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Hey, at least I didn't talk him [Jake] into putting crotchless panties on a Butterball turkey!
Charlie: Oh, right. Best Thanksgiving ever.
Alan: You told me it's how the Pilgrims got through the harsh winter.
Charlie: Oh, right. Best Thanksgiving ever.
Alan: You told me it's how the Pilgrims got through the harsh winter.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[in line at the movie theater]
Alan: So, what do you want?
Jake: Nachos, Red Hots, Milk Duds, popcorn, and a slushy.
Charlie: What are you doing, building an ass bomb?
Alan: So, what do you want?
Jake: Nachos, Red Hots, Milk Duds, popcorn, and a slushy.
Charlie: What are you doing, building an ass bomb?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Nina: This is such a beautiful restaurant. They don't have anything like this back home.
Alan: Really? They-- they don't have nice restaurants in Idaho?
Nina: Oh, well, yeah, I mean we have a T.G.I. Friday's and an Applebee's. But you never see movie stars like we do here.
Vicki: Nina, they're just regular people.
Alan: And technically, I-- I wouldn't call Geraldo Rivera a movie star.
Alan: Really? They-- they don't have nice restaurants in Idaho?
Nina: Oh, well, yeah, I mean we have a T.G.I. Friday's and an Applebee's. But you never see movie stars like we do here.
Vicki: Nina, they're just regular people.
Alan: And technically, I-- I wouldn't call Geraldo Rivera a movie star.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[in the men's room]
Alan: No matter how you shake and dance, the last few drops fall on your pants.
Charlie: Maybe you shouldn't wear khakis.
Alan: No matter how you shake and dance, the last few drops fall on your pants.
Charlie: Maybe you shouldn't wear khakis.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: I can't believe I missed out on a sure thing 'cause I was sitting on the can listening to you not take a crap!
Alan: You're actually blaming me 'cause I had to go to the bathroom.
Charlie: You didn't have to go to the bathroom! You were just trying to stick me with the check!
Alan: Oh, oh, I see, so you know my bowels better than I do!
Charlie: I will when I pull them out through your nostrils.
Alan: You're actually blaming me 'cause I had to go to the bathroom.
Charlie: You didn't have to go to the bathroom! You were just trying to stick me with the check!
Alan: Oh, oh, I see, so you know my bowels better than I do!
Charlie: I will when I pull them out through your nostrils.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: You don't understand. The money isn't for me.
Charlie: Really? Who's it for?
Alan: Old Alan.
Charlie: Old Alan?
Alan: Yeah, you know, the Alan of the future.
Charlie: You're kidding, they're still gonna have Alans in the future?
Alan: No, see, [sighs] the thing is, [sighs] I've been going through kind of a rough financial time since... well, high school. Anyway, it-- it occurred to me that I could wind up an old man with no one to take care of me. I mean, who will Old Alan be able to count on? Certainly not Jake, 'cause let's face it, his best hope of a steady income is if missing the toilet becomes a professional sport.
Charlie: Really? Who's it for?
Alan: Old Alan.
Charlie: Old Alan?
Alan: Yeah, you know, the Alan of the future.
Charlie: You're kidding, they're still gonna have Alans in the future?
Alan: No, see, [sighs] the thing is, [sighs] I've been going through kind of a rough financial time since... well, high school. Anyway, it-- it occurred to me that I could wind up an old man with no one to take care of me. I mean, who will Old Alan be able to count on? Certainly not Jake, 'cause let's face it, his best hope of a steady income is if missing the toilet becomes a professional sport.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: [To Jake because he and Alan are going out] Don't burn the house down and if you do, don't be here when I get back.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: So you understand the situation?
Kandi: I think so. Now that we're not married anymore, you want to sell my condo.
Alan: No, no, it's-- it's our condo. I got it for us. Not the smartest thing I ever did, but my real estate advisor was my penis.
Kandi: Is that what they mean when they say the market's gone soft?
Kandi: I think so. Now that we're not married anymore, you want to sell my condo.
Alan: No, no, it's-- it's our condo. I got it for us. Not the smartest thing I ever did, but my real estate advisor was my penis.
Kandi: Is that what they mean when they say the market's gone soft?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: We had fun last night, though, right?
Lydia[sarcastically]: Oh, terrific. What woman doesn't enjoy pleasing a man who falls asleep while he's in the middle of reciprocating?
Charlie: Well, that explains why I dreamt I was kissing Abe Lincoln.
Lydia[sarcastically]: Oh, terrific. What woman doesn't enjoy pleasing a man who falls asleep while he's in the middle of reciprocating?
Charlie: Well, that explains why I dreamt I was kissing Abe Lincoln.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men