Two and a Half Men Quotes
[Lydia is in the shower]
Charlie: I couldn't help but notice that you, uh, put some of your stuff in one of my drawers.
Lydia: Yeah. Hey, you want to come in here and make up for last night?
Charlie: Yeah, but I think we should talk about this drawer thing.
Lydia: OK. [she opens the shower curtain to reveal her nude self to Charlie] Talk.
Charlie[undressing]: Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth upon this continent a new nation...
Charlie: I couldn't help but notice that you, uh, put some of your stuff in one of my drawers.
Lydia: Yeah. Hey, you want to come in here and make up for last night?
Charlie: Yeah, but I think we should talk about this drawer thing.
Lydia: OK. [she opens the shower curtain to reveal her nude self to Charlie] Talk.
Charlie[undressing]: Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth upon this continent a new nation...
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Kandi: But I don't want to sell the condo. I can see boats from here.
Alan: I understand, but I can't afford the payments.
Kandi[assertively]: I like boats!
Alan: I understand, but I can't afford the payments.
Kandi[assertively]: I like boats!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: [about doing laundry] OK, OK, I can do this. I just turn it on and stick 'em in.
Alan: It's a washing machine, not a cocktail waitress. Let's start by separating her delicates.
Charlie: How is that not like a cocktail waitress?
Alan: [trying to ignore Charlie] The reason you need to do these separately is they're mostly synthetic.
Charlie: Add a beat-up Civic and an ex-husband and we're back to cocktail waitress!
Alan: It's a washing machine, not a cocktail waitress. Let's start by separating her delicates.
Charlie: How is that not like a cocktail waitress?
Alan: [trying to ignore Charlie] The reason you need to do these separately is they're mostly synthetic.
Charlie: Add a beat-up Civic and an ex-husband and we're back to cocktail waitress!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[while doing laundry]
Charlie: What will they think of next?
Alan: Yeah, I hear scientists are working on a machine that can cook two pieces of bread at the same time. Shh.
Charlie: Yeah, yeah, yeah, very funny. Now what?
Alan: We wait.
Charlie: How will we know when we're done?
Alan: Don't worry. The machine will call you on your cell phone.
Charlie: What will they think of next?
Alan: Yeah, I hear scientists are working on a machine that can cook two pieces of bread at the same time. Shh.
Charlie: Yeah, yeah, yeah, very funny. Now what?
Alan: We wait.
Charlie: How will we know when we're done?
Alan: Don't worry. The machine will call you on your cell phone.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: You know what? We need to work on our communication skills.
Alan: You know, I always thought that, but I didn't think you'd be open--
Charlie: [interrupting] No, no, no, you jackass! God, you play along like a monkey with a mandolin!
Alan: You know, I always thought that, but I didn't think you'd be open--
Charlie: [interrupting] No, no, no, you jackass! God, you play along like a monkey with a mandolin!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Okay, she [Lydia] has some faults, but you have to admit she does have her benefits.
Berta: Yeah? Well I aint hitting any of them benefits so I don't care.
Berta: Yeah? Well I aint hitting any of them benefits so I don't care.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Berta: Hey, I'm mixing up the eggnog. You want this broad lit up or just slightly glowing?
Charlie: Well let's see. We're celebrating peace on earth and goood will towards all mankind. So let's get her plowed!!
Berta: Hallelujah!
Charlie: Well let's see. We're celebrating peace on earth and goood will towards all mankind. So let's get her plowed!!
Berta: Hallelujah!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: [singing] Glooohohohohohoooohohohohohooooohohohohoooooria! Tonight I'm boinking Gloria!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: [singing] Four call girls. Three French maids. Two drunk twins. And a lap dance in a pear tree!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: I'm gonna have a daughter, Charlie.
Charlie: OK, OK, first of all, you don't know if it's your kid. All we know is that when Judith and Herb broke up, you nailed Judith. Then when they reconciled, Herb nailed Judith. So the only thing we know for sure is that despite all outward appearances, Judith is a slut.
Charlie: OK, OK, first of all, you don't know if it's your kid. All we know is that when Judith and Herb broke up, you nailed Judith. Then when they reconciled, Herb nailed Judith. So the only thing we know for sure is that despite all outward appearances, Judith is a slut.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Judith: Oh, eggnog.
Herb: Honey, we’ve got a long drive ahead of us. [turns to Alan] We’re spending the holidays in San Diego with my parents.
Judith: That’s why I need eggnog.
Herb: Hey, I spent Thanksgiving with your parents.
Alan: Oh really, your mom’s out of rehab?
Judith: Yes, my mom’s out of rehab.
Herb: Actually she kind of jumped the fence.
Alan: Well, the woman’s going to be your mother-in-law, you might as well get used to it. [turns to Judith] Remember the time she rode out of Betty Ford on a lawn mower?
[Judith glares at Alan]
Alan: On the plus side, she bakes Toll House cookies with walnuts and Demerol.
Herb: Honey, we’ve got a long drive ahead of us. [turns to Alan] We’re spending the holidays in San Diego with my parents.
Judith: That’s why I need eggnog.
Herb: Hey, I spent Thanksgiving with your parents.
Alan: Oh really, your mom’s out of rehab?
Judith: Yes, my mom’s out of rehab.
Herb: Actually she kind of jumped the fence.
Alan: Well, the woman’s going to be your mother-in-law, you might as well get used to it. [turns to Judith] Remember the time she rode out of Betty Ford on a lawn mower?
[Judith glares at Alan]
Alan: On the plus side, she bakes Toll House cookies with walnuts and Demerol.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Herb: I’m a doctor!
Kandi: A real one, or like Alan?
Herb: I’m a pediatrician.
Kandi: Wow, so you’re into feet.
Herb: No, children.
Kandi: Isn’t that illegal?
Kandi: A real one, or like Alan?
Herb: I’m a pediatrician.
Kandi: Wow, so you’re into feet.
Herb: No, children.
Kandi: Isn’t that illegal?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Dorothy: Listen, Alan, I’m looking for my daughter.
Alan: Drunk blonde?
Dorothy: Well, she isn’t always blonde.
Alan: Drunk blonde?
Dorothy: Well, she isn’t always blonde.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie[to Gloria]: You... have absolutely no boundaries, do you?
Gloria: Well... I don't like fat guys.
Charlie: Interesting. Turns out... I draw the line at incest.
Gloria: So you'd do a fat guy?
[Rose and Berta are listening outside Charlie's room]
Rose: Did you hear that? Charlie found his boundary!
Berta: It's a miracle!
Rose: A Christmas miracle.
Gloria: Well... I don't like fat guys.
Charlie: Interesting. Turns out... I draw the line at incest.
Gloria: So you'd do a fat guy?
[Rose and Berta are listening outside Charlie's room]
Rose: Did you hear that? Charlie found his boundary!
Berta: It's a miracle!
Rose: A Christmas miracle.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: You let some broad talk you into piercing your ear?
Alan: Actually, my ear wasn't her first choice to pierce.
Jake: What else can you pierce?
Alan and Charlie: Nothing.
Jake: Fine. Don't tell me. I'll Google it. [leaves]
Charlie: Don't worry. He can't spell "pierce".
Alan: He can't spell "Google".
Alan: Actually, my ear wasn't her first choice to pierce.
Jake: What else can you pierce?
Alan and Charlie: Nothing.
Jake: Fine. Don't tell me. I'll Google it. [leaves]
Charlie: Don't worry. He can't spell "pierce".
Alan: He can't spell "Google".
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: [referring to Alan's new piercing] You do know that's the gay ear?
Alan: What?
Charlie: Left ear says "I'm a hipster from the disco era." Right ear says "Let's disco!!"
Alan: What?
Charlie: Left ear says "I'm a hipster from the disco era." Right ear says "Let's disco!!"
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Naomi: I wouldn't need a job if I joined the Army.
Berta: You can't join the Army.
Naomi: Why not?
Berta: Because you already are all you can be.
Berta: You can't join the Army.
Naomi: Why not?
Berta: Because you already are all you can be.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: There you go. One hot chocolate for the lactating mommy.
Naomi: Thank you.
Alan: I see little Brittany Pam is having the grande boobaccino.
Naomi: Yeah, and she's biting the straw.
Naomi: Thank you.
Alan: I see little Brittany Pam is having the grande boobaccino.
Naomi: Yeah, and she's biting the straw.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Evelyn: Excuse me, I'd like to say a few words before we fold up the dining room table and commence the square dancing. Alan, you are my son and I love you...but you and I are through.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Come on guys, please give me a hand on this.
Berta & Charlie: Can't help ya.
Alan: Look, Jake, it, it, it-- it's not that you have to be particularly smart to have sex.
Berta and Charlie: Yeah, look at your dad!
Berta & Charlie: Can't help ya.
Alan: Look, Jake, it, it, it-- it's not that you have to be particularly smart to have sex.
Berta and Charlie: Yeah, look at your dad!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Alan is talking to Judith and Herb because Jake can hear them in bed.]
Judith: What did he say to you?
Alan: Well, uh, basically he's worried that when he grows up he won't be smart enough to have sex.
Judith: Why would he think that?
Alan: Because he hears you giving Herb instructions like he's a blind guy in a minefield.
Judith: What did he say to you?
Alan: Well, uh, basically he's worried that when he grows up he won't be smart enough to have sex.
Judith: Why would he think that?
Alan: Because he hears you giving Herb instructions like he's a blind guy in a minefield.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: [About what people like in sex] Say you like banana cream pie...
Jake: I do like banana cream pie.
Alan: Well, good. But say you like it but, you never told me you did so I always brought home another kind...
Jake: [Interrupting] I just told you I like it.
Jake: I do like banana cream pie.
Alan: Well, good. But say you like it but, you never told me you did so I always brought home another kind...
Jake: [Interrupting] I just told you I like it.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Berta: Well I should go if I don't wanna miss my bus.
Alan: Goodnight Berta.
Jake: Hey Dad, you know what more keeps on her night stand?
Berta: You know what, I'll take a cab.
Alan: What?
Jake: A bottle of whipped cream.
Alan: So?
Jake: So, either whipped cream has something to do with sex or mom hides pie in her dresser too.
Alan: Goodnight Berta.
Jake: Hey Dad, you know what more keeps on her night stand?
Berta: You know what, I'll take a cab.
Alan: What?
Jake: A bottle of whipped cream.
Alan: So?
Jake: So, either whipped cream has something to do with sex or mom hides pie in her dresser too.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Evelyn[to Hiroshi]: Uh, Charlie is my number one son.
Charlie: Yeah, but she treats me like number two.
Charlie: Yeah, but she treats me like number two.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Evelyn: Anyway, I have to string Mr. Goto along until I have something to show him that actually is for sale.
Charlie: Oh, I understand. It's called a bait and switch, and it's a felony.
Evelyn: Oh, well, look at you taking the moral high ground, and with nary a bottle or whore in sight. Bravo.
Charlie: Oh, I understand. It's called a bait and switch, and it's a felony.
Evelyn: Oh, well, look at you taking the moral high ground, and with nary a bottle or whore in sight. Bravo.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Charlie tells Alan the story about how he saw his mother in bed with a man when Charlie was eight years old]
Charlie: Anyway, at some point they realized I was standing there, and the guy said to me, "Don't worry, Speed Racer. I'm not hurting your mom."
Alan: Speed Racer?
Charlie: Remember, I had the Speed Racer pajamas?
Alan: Oh, yeah! Yeah! Our Christmas pajamas! You got Speed Racer, and I got Laverne & Shirley. So typical, I'm--
Charlie: This is not about you, Alan! This is about a horrible moment in my life that I completely repressed: Mom and the man with a big red mustache. Oh, God. I just realized why Yosemite Sam always made me nauseous! [sighs] And I'll tell you the worst part...
Alan: Worse than Laverne & Shirley pajamas?
Charlie: Alan...
Alan: I am amazed I'm not a raging queen.
Charlie: We all are!
Charlie: Anyway, at some point they realized I was standing there, and the guy said to me, "Don't worry, Speed Racer. I'm not hurting your mom."
Alan: Speed Racer?
Charlie: Remember, I had the Speed Racer pajamas?
Alan: Oh, yeah! Yeah! Our Christmas pajamas! You got Speed Racer, and I got Laverne & Shirley. So typical, I'm--
Charlie: This is not about you, Alan! This is about a horrible moment in my life that I completely repressed: Mom and the man with a big red mustache. Oh, God. I just realized why Yosemite Sam always made me nauseous! [sighs] And I'll tell you the worst part...
Alan: Worse than Laverne & Shirley pajamas?
Charlie: Alan...
Alan: I am amazed I'm not a raging queen.
Charlie: We all are!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Oh God, it's all coming back.[Remembering the men he has seen his mother have sex with as a child] Uncle Joe, Uncle Steve, Uncle Jorje. Oh God...[looks terrified] Uncle Jorje. And I wasn't related to any one of them.
Rose: Wow.
Charlie: Yeah. Tell me about it. Not only was Aunt Wendy not my aunt, there was no snakebite on her boob!
Rose: Wow.
Charlie: Yeah. Tell me about it. Not only was Aunt Wendy not my aunt, there was no snakebite on her boob!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Again, I'm sorry. Mea culpa. Now if you'll excuse me, mea going upstairs for a culpa hours.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Berta[removing groceries from the bag]: Salted butter... salted butter. Extra-large eggs... extra large eggs. Acidophilus milk... two-percent milk, you whiny pinhead.
Charlie: Morning.
Berta: Hey, how you feeling?
Charlie: Not too bad, really.
Berta: That was some fall you took.
Charlie: Yeah, if I hadn't been plastered, it might have killed me.
Berta: You think the liquor industry would promote that.
Charlie: It is a selling point. Right up there with making ugly people doable.
Charlie: Morning.
Berta: Hey, how you feeling?
Charlie: Not too bad, really.
Berta: That was some fall you took.
Charlie: Yeah, if I hadn't been plastered, it might have killed me.
Berta: You think the liquor industry would promote that.
Charlie: It is a selling point. Right up there with making ugly people doable.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Danielle: You men are all alike. Isn't there anyone left who just wants to get married and raise a family?
Charlie: Yeah, but they're all gay.
Charlie: Yeah, but they're all gay.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men