Two and a Half Men Quotes
Charlie: [About Alan's date with Danielle] Okay, on this date don't talk about your stupid hobbies or your depressing problems.
Alan: So what do we talk about?
Charlie: Her stupid hobbies! Her depressing problems! Okay. I'm gonna make up some reason I have can't go and then you can go on a date.
Alan: Charlie, I'm not sure...
Danielle: [Enters] Okay I'm ready to go.
Charlie: Oh darn...
Alan: What do you mean you have to go!... I mean what's wrong?
Charlie: I just remembered I have a lot of work to do at home.
Danielle: Should we reschedule?
Charlie: No, no, no. You guys should go ahead. I'm sure you'll have fun.
Alan: Alright. [Goes off] So Danielle, you have any hobbies or, problems?
Alan: So what do we talk about?
Charlie: Her stupid hobbies! Her depressing problems! Okay. I'm gonna make up some reason I have can't go and then you can go on a date.
Alan: Charlie, I'm not sure...
Danielle: [Enters] Okay I'm ready to go.
Charlie: Oh darn...
Alan: What do you mean you have to go!... I mean what's wrong?
Charlie: I just remembered I have a lot of work to do at home.
Danielle: Should we reschedule?
Charlie: No, no, no. You guys should go ahead. I'm sure you'll have fun.
Alan: Alright. [Goes off] So Danielle, you have any hobbies or, problems?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: She just moved next door. She's gorgeous, divorced, and loaded!
Alan: Mm-hmm... What's wrong with her?
Charlie: Why does something have to be wrong with her?
Alan: Because there's only two reasons you ever set me up with a woman. Either you need somebody to keep the emotionally disturbed or cross-eyed or hermaphroditic best friend busy while you do the pretty girl, or... OK, I guess there's just one reason.
Charlie: There is nothing wrong with Danielle. Berta, is she or is she not gorgeous?
Berta: Hey, I'd do her.
Alan: Mm-hmm... What's wrong with her?
Charlie: Why does something have to be wrong with her?
Alan: Because there's only two reasons you ever set me up with a woman. Either you need somebody to keep the emotionally disturbed or cross-eyed or hermaphroditic best friend busy while you do the pretty girl, or... OK, I guess there's just one reason.
Charlie: There is nothing wrong with Danielle. Berta, is she or is she not gorgeous?
Berta: Hey, I'd do her.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Danielle[drunkenly]: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. There is no need to fight over me! Alan, you're a sweet, gentle guy. Charlie, you're a pig, but I find you very attractive. There's only one reasonable solution: I'll have to do you both.
Charlie[to Alan]: No crossing swords.
Alan: Are you out of your mind? You're actually considering this?
Charlie: Yeah, you're right. I don't even like eating dinner next to you.
Charlie[to Alan]: No crossing swords.
Alan: Are you out of your mind? You're actually considering this?
Charlie: Yeah, you're right. I don't even like eating dinner next to you.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Rose: Do you know what an aqueduct is?
Jake: Uh... something to do with water.
Rose: And...?
Jake: A duck?
Jake: Uh... something to do with water.
Rose: And...?
Jake: A duck?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Berta: Name three contributions the Roman Empire made to civilization.
Charlie: Orgies, wine, and bulimia. Go ahead, ask me about the Greeks.
Charlie: Orgies, wine, and bulimia. Go ahead, ask me about the Greeks.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Charlie is reading Alan's online dating profile]
Alan: Are you gonna let me explain or not?
Charlie: What's to explain? You have a Malibu beach house and you're the... "Chiropractor to the Stars".
Alan: Oh, OK, what do you want me to call myself? "Chiropractor to Fat People in the Valley"? Everybody exaggerates on these things.
Charlie: OK, I can understand that. You're probably not gonna get a lot of responses to "bushy-nosed cheapskate, enjoys long walks to a free meal."
Alan: Exactly.
Alan: Are you gonna let me explain or not?
Charlie: What's to explain? You have a Malibu beach house and you're the... "Chiropractor to the Stars".
Alan: Oh, OK, what do you want me to call myself? "Chiropractor to Fat People in the Valley"? Everybody exaggerates on these things.
Charlie: OK, I can understand that. You're probably not gonna get a lot of responses to "bushy-nosed cheapskate, enjoys long walks to a free meal."
Alan: Exactly.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Leanne, tell me something. Is it just me, or is the crowd in here getting younger?
Leanne: No, the crowd's the same age it's always been. You, on the other hand, are not.
Charlie: I'm not old. Forty's the new thirty, right?
Leanne[chuckling]: Not the way you live, pal.
Leanne: No, the crowd's the same age it's always been. You, on the other hand, are not.
Charlie: I'm not old. Forty's the new thirty, right?
Leanne[chuckling]: Not the way you live, pal.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie[runs out on the deck]: Rose? Climb up here! I want to talk to you!
Beverly: Are you sure you're the loser brother?
Alan: That's always been the consensus.
Beverly: Are you sure you're the loser brother?
Alan: That's always been the consensus.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Charlie, that lovely lady in there brought her toothbrush 'cause I have a penis and a job!
Charlie: Rose! [to Alan]: How is she gonna brush your job?
Alan: No, no, you don't understand--
Charlie: I don't have time for this, Alan! [he walks back inside and heads toward the front door]
Beverly: Charlie, are you OK?
Charlie: Yeah, I just can't find my damn stalker. [leaves]
Beverly: He can't find his stalker?
Alan: They're usually in the last place you look.
Charlie: Rose! [to Alan]: How is she gonna brush your job?
Alan: No, no, you don't understand--
Charlie: I don't have time for this, Alan! [he walks back inside and heads toward the front door]
Beverly: Charlie, are you OK?
Charlie: Yeah, I just can't find my damn stalker. [leaves]
Beverly: He can't find his stalker?
Alan: They're usually in the last place you look.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Rose is getting ready to leave]
Rose: Oh, I almost forgot. I thought you should have this. It's our first restraining order. Look how shaky your signature was. You were so spooked.
Rose: Oh, I almost forgot. I thought you should have this. It's our first restraining order. Look how shaky your signature was. You were so spooked.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Charlie has a Mexican-style mustache painted on him]
Alan: Jake, I said no!
Jake: I didn't do it!
Berta: He didn't.
[Charlie coughs, then sits down at the table]
Charlie: What are you staring at?
Jake: Nothing, señor.
Alan: Jake, I said no!
Jake: I didn't do it!
Berta: He didn't.
[Charlie coughs, then sits down at the table]
Charlie: What are you staring at?
Jake: Nothing, señor.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Hey, what's your hurry? If she [Kandi] becomes a big TV star while you're still married, she'll have to pay you alimony!
Alan: Yeah. And if pigs start flying out of my rear end, we'll have free bacon for the rest of our lives!
Jake: I don't know that I'd eat that bacon.
Alan: Yeah. And if pigs start flying out of my rear end, we'll have free bacon for the rest of our lives!
Jake: I don't know that I'd eat that bacon.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[outside the nightclub]
Charlie: Listen, why don't you check your list for... Jackson. [shows a $20 bill]Andrew Jackson.
Bruno[takes the money]: Nope. Got Tito and La Toya.
Charlie: OK, what if I changed my name to... [takes out a $50 bill]Ulysses S. Grant?
Bruno: You can change your name to Condoleezza Rice. If you're not on the list and you're not a celebrity, you're not getting in.
Charlie: Listen, why don't you check your list for... Jackson. [shows a $20 bill]Andrew Jackson.
Bruno[takes the money]: Nope. Got Tito and La Toya.
Charlie: OK, what if I changed my name to... [takes out a $50 bill]Ulysses S. Grant?
Bruno: You can change your name to Condoleezza Rice. If you're not on the list and you're not a celebrity, you're not getting in.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: What do you want from me? I-- I went out to the club, I went to the after-hours club, I went out to breakfast! I held my date's hair while she vomited pancakes in the parking lot!
Charlie: Well, if you weren't whining about wanting to go home, you'd be having sex with her right now.
Alan: Oh, darn. What man doesn't dream of kissing second-hand pancakes?
Charlie: Well, if you weren't whining about wanting to go home, you'd be having sex with her right now.
Alan: Oh, darn. What man doesn't dream of kissing second-hand pancakes?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Oh, let's face it: we're both too old for the MTV lifestyle.
Charlie: MTV? Did they just defrost you?
Charlie: MTV? Did they just defrost you?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Dr. Prajneep: What have you had to eat recently?
Charlie: Nothing much.
Alan: He had Belgian waffles, link sausages, two Red Bulls, a quart of Scotch, and the tongue of a twenty-four-year-old actress.
Charlie: He asked me what I ate.
Alan: And I told him.
Charlie: Nothing much.
Alan: He had Belgian waffles, link sausages, two Red Bulls, a quart of Scotch, and the tongue of a twenty-four-year-old actress.
Charlie: He asked me what I ate.
Alan: And I told him.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Dr Pranjeep: [About Charlie's test results] It's fine, you are perfectly healthy 50 year old man.
Charlie: I'm only 40.
Dr Pranjeep: Tell that to your liver.
Charlie: I'm only 40.
Dr Pranjeep: Tell that to your liver.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: [Outside Charlie's hospital room] You doctors better help him fast! That's my brother in there! If he dies I'm homeless! [Enters Charlie's room] They're coming soon.
Charlie: [Who thinks he is going to die] Alan I need you to know something about my will. I left the house to you and Jake.
Alan: Yes!!.... You're going to live
Charlie: Yeah, just in case I don't, it has two mortgages and the land costs $50,000 a year.
Alan: So what you're saying is...
Charlie: It's a house of cards, Alan.
Alan: Uh huh. [Steps outside] Do you need to go to Canada to get some decent medical care! Alright you doctors, I didn't wanna have to play this card but I am Matthew Broderick!
Dr. Pranjeep: Oh Matthew Broderick, I loved you in Family Business! [Enters Charlie's room]]
Charlie: [Who thinks he is going to die] Alan I need you to know something about my will. I left the house to you and Jake.
Alan: Yes!!.... You're going to live
Charlie: Yeah, just in case I don't, it has two mortgages and the land costs $50,000 a year.
Alan: So what you're saying is...
Charlie: It's a house of cards, Alan.
Alan: Uh huh. [Steps outside] Do you need to go to Canada to get some decent medical care! Alright you doctors, I didn't wanna have to play this card but I am Matthew Broderick!
Dr. Pranjeep: Oh Matthew Broderick, I loved you in Family Business! [Enters Charlie's room]]
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: You'll going to Mom's funeral, won't you?
Charlie: Of course! As the eldest son it's my obligation to pound in the stake.
Alan: Typical. Nothing for Alan to do.
Charlie: OK, you can cut off her head and hold it up for the villagers.
Charlie: Of course! As the eldest son it's my obligation to pound in the stake.
Alan: Typical. Nothing for Alan to do.
Charlie: OK, you can cut off her head and hold it up for the villagers.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jake: Yo, mad props on the sandwich, Dad. This PB & J is off the hook!
Alan: Excuse me?
Charlie: He's been watching MTV Cribs. The kid's a sponge.
Jake: For shizzle, my dizzle
Berta: Hey, M.C. Skidmark, here's something else you left in your pants.
Alan: What is it?
Jake: It's a birthday card, Mom's making me give it to Grandma. Whack! Right?
Berta: You said it Poop Dog.
Alan: Excuse me?
Charlie: He's been watching MTV Cribs. The kid's a sponge.
Jake: For shizzle, my dizzle
Berta: Hey, M.C. Skidmark, here's something else you left in your pants.
Alan: What is it?
Jake: It's a birthday card, Mom's making me give it to Grandma. Whack! Right?
Berta: You said it Poop Dog.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Store clerk: Have you considered a nice perfume [for Evelyn]? Do you know her scent?
Alan: Uh, actually, I don't.
Charlie: I do.
Alan: You do?
Charlie: Yep. Do you carry Chanel No. 666?
Alan: Uh, actually, I don't.
Charlie: I do.
Alan: You do?
Charlie: Yep. Do you carry Chanel No. 666?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jake: So, do you have a PlayStation or an Xbox?
Changpu: I have a cello.
Jake: What do you play on that?
Changpu: Beethoven, Brahms, Bach, Shostakovich.
Jake: So... no Grand Theft Auto?
Changpu: I have a cello.
Jake: What do you play on that?
Changpu: Beethoven, Brahms, Bach, Shostakovich.
Jake: So... no Grand Theft Auto?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jake: No offense, but "Smoke on the Water" does not begin with "Crap on the Water".
Changpu: My apologies.
Changpu: My apologies.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: I'm just saying, maybe they have something that we don't and that's why she wants them.
Charlie: Who wants two gay guys and a Chinese kid?
Charlie: Who wants two gay guys and a Chinese kid?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jake: Yo man! This bling is off the hook!
Charlie: Hey Jake, you're a pasty, white kid, start acting like one!
Charlie: Hey Jake, you're a pasty, white kid, start acting like one!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Roger: Evelyn, we have a surprise for you. Changpu is going to play his cello.
Jake: What the heck?
Charlie: Shhh, Shampoo's about to play his cello.
Jake: What the heck?
Charlie: Shhh, Shampoo's about to play his cello.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Knock 'em dead at the audition.
Kandi: Thanks. And thanks for lending me your chiropractor coat. It makes me feel like a real doctor.
Charlie: Now you know why Alan wears it.
Kandi: Thanks. And thanks for lending me your chiropractor coat. It makes me feel like a real doctor.
Charlie: Now you know why Alan wears it.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: All right, look, it doesn't help to whine about it. If you wanna get lost in the woods with Jerky Gerkenheimer, go do it.
Alan: My life is just one big joke to you, isn't it?
Charlie: Actually, it's more of a limerick. There once was a moron named Al, who wanted to camp with his pal... Any chance you can go camping in Nantucket?
Alan: My life is just one big joke to you, isn't it?
Charlie: Actually, it's more of a limerick. There once was a moron named Al, who wanted to camp with his pal... Any chance you can go camping in Nantucket?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: [About Jake growing up] Pretty soon there'll be no more playing catch or riding bikes. Do you realize I've never even taken him fishing, or camping, or hunting?
Charlie: Do you know how to fish, or camp, or, hunt?
Alan: No, I thought we would learn together.
Charlie: Oh that sounds good. You and knucklehead out in the woods, taking turns shooting each other in the ass.
Charlie: Do you know how to fish, or camp, or, hunt?
Alan: No, I thought we would learn together.
Charlie: Oh that sounds good. You and knucklehead out in the woods, taking turns shooting each other in the ass.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jake: Hey, Dad, when this is over, wanna play catch?
Alan: It's dark out.
Jake: Okay. [to Charlie] I tried.
Alan: It's dark out.
Jake: Okay. [to Charlie] I tried.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men