Two and a Half Men Quotes
Charlie: What's the big deal? It's just an alimony check.
Alan: Not an alimony check. This is my final alimony check. Isn't it beautiful?
Charlie: Oh, right! Judith is getting married this weekend!
Alan: Exactly. And you know what that means?
Charlie: You can finally kick in a few bucks around here?
Alan: Good one. No. It means Alan gets new underwear.
Alan: Not an alimony check. This is my final alimony check. Isn't it beautiful?
Charlie: Oh, right! Judith is getting married this weekend!
Alan: Exactly. And you know what that means?
Charlie: You can finally kick in a few bucks around here?
Alan: Good one. No. It means Alan gets new underwear.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Alan rings the doorbell]
Judith: You wanna get the door, Herb?
Herb: Stop yelling at me!
Judith: I'm not yelling! THIS IS YELLING!
Alan: You know what? This really isn't that funny. [throws the oversized alimony check aside]
Herb[answering the door]: Oh, hi, Alan, Charlie.
Alan: Herb, is this a bad time?
Herb: The Spanish Inquisition was a "bad time". This is hell.
Judith: You wanna get the door, Herb?
Herb: Stop yelling at me!
Judith: I'm not yelling! THIS IS YELLING!
Alan: You know what? This really isn't that funny. [throws the oversized alimony check aside]
Herb[answering the door]: Oh, hi, Alan, Charlie.
Alan: Herb, is this a bad time?
Herb: The Spanish Inquisition was a "bad time". This is hell.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Herb is taking the garbage out per Judith's orders while Judith is yelling at Charlie and Myra]
Judith: WHY IS NO ONE LISTENING TO ME??!!
Herb: (from outside) I'M DOING IT!!! LOOK!!!
Judith: WHY IS NO ONE LISTENING TO ME??!!
Herb: (from outside) I'M DOING IT!!! LOOK!!!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Myra[to Alan]: So how does this work? Do you get your original testicles back or does my brother give you his?
Herb: Myra, the castration jokes are getting a little old.
Charlie: Not in my house.
Herb: Myra, the castration jokes are getting a little old.
Charlie: Not in my house.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan[to Judith on the phone]: I'll tell him [Charlie] to keep his hands off Myra. And then, I'll tell the rain not to fall, the earth not to spin, and you to STOP NAGGING ME! [hangs up] Oh, boy, I'm gonna pay for that.
Berta: You know what your problem is? Phone cojones.
Alan: Excuse me?
Berta: When you're on the phone with her, you got boulders between your legs. The minute you hang up, you're as smooth as a Ken doll.
Berta: You know what your problem is? Phone cojones.
Alan: Excuse me?
Berta: When you're on the phone with her, you got boulders between your legs. The minute you hang up, you're as smooth as a Ken doll.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: You know, Charlie, there's a special section in Hell reserved for people like you.
Charlie: That's good, because I'd hate to have to stand on line.
Charlie: That's good, because I'd hate to have to stand on line.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Myra: [About why Judith doesn't like her] Maybe it's hair, maybe it's my job, maybe it's my hobbies or maybe it's because I offered my brother a thousand dollars not to marry her.
Charlie: I know what you mean. I did the same to my brother.
Myra: Really?
Charlie: Well, actually it was a thousand dollar hooker.
Charlie: I know what you mean. I did the same to my brother.
Myra: Really?
Charlie: Well, actually it was a thousand dollar hooker.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[after Alan finds out that Myra was sleeping with Charlie]
Alan: OK, um, let me just start, uh, by saying I applaud the, uh, the gusto with which you approach life.
Charlie: Thank you.
Alan: Um, that being said, uh, are you, um, out of your FREAKIN' MIND?!
Alan: OK, um, let me just start, uh, by saying I applaud the, uh, the gusto with which you approach life.
Charlie: Thank you.
Alan: Um, that being said, uh, are you, um, out of your FREAKIN' MIND?!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jake: I don't understand why I can't have the blue tuxedo.
Alan: Because you're going to your mother's wedding, not hosting a game show on Telemundo.
Alan: Because you're going to your mother's wedding, not hosting a game show on Telemundo.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: OK, listen, we-- we haven't really, uh, talked about what all this means.
Jake: What what means?
Alan: All the big changes that are happening.
Jake: It's just a couple of hairs, Dad. It's not that big a deal.
Jake: What what means?
Alan: All the big changes that are happening.
Jake: It's just a couple of hairs, Dad. It's not that big a deal.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Alan and Herb's ex-fiancée are locked in the coatroom during Herb and Judith's wedding. Alan is trying to break out.]
Woman[loudly so the wedding can hear her]: Oh, Alan Harper, you animal! I can't believe Judith let you go! Oh, God, Alan Harper, oh, God! Oh, don't stop, Alan Harper! Please don't stop! Oh, Alan Harper, I feel like a woman again!
Alan[busting into the wedding]: I'm Alan Harper, and I'm not having sex!
Woman[loudly so the wedding can hear her]: Oh, Alan Harper, you animal! I can't believe Judith let you go! Oh, God, Alan Harper, oh, God! Oh, don't stop, Alan Harper! Please don't stop! Oh, Alan Harper, I feel like a woman again!
Alan[busting into the wedding]: I'm Alan Harper, and I'm not having sex!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Alan is drinking in the dark]
Alan: How was the reception?
Charlie: Kind of a letdown after the ceremony. But you'll be happy to know your little outburst is already on YouTube.
Alan: Damn camera phones.
Alan: How was the reception?
Charlie: Kind of a letdown after the ceremony. But you'll be happy to know your little outburst is already on YouTube.
Alan: Damn camera phones.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: You think I joined a support group to pick up women?
Charlie: No, I think you joined a support 'cause you're a whiny little wuss. But as long as you're there, you might as well nail a few.
Charlie: No, I think you joined a support 'cause you're a whiny little wuss. But as long as you're there, you might as well nail a few.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Berta, how long have you been working for me?
Berta: Define "working".
Berta: Define "working".
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Your mom will be here any minute! I-- I thought I told you to get ready!
Jake: I'm ready.
Alan: Did you do your homework?
Jake: No.
Alan[scoffs]: Jake, I promised your mother you'd have it done!
Jake: Well, next time you'll know better!
Jake: I'm ready.
Alan: Did you do your homework?
Jake: No.
Alan[scoffs]: Jake, I promised your mother you'd have it done!
Jake: Well, next time you'll know better!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Berta: I'm proud of you, Zippy. The world is a much happier place once you figure out whether you're the pin or the cushion.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Greg: Alan, you're not gay.
Alan: Are you sure?
Greg: Do you find me sexually attractive?
Alan: No.
Greg: Do you find any man sexually attractive?
Alan: No. Uh, well, oh, maybe George Clooney.
Alan: Are you sure?
Greg: Do you find me sexually attractive?
Alan: No.
Greg: Do you find any man sexually attractive?
Alan: No. Uh, well, oh, maybe George Clooney.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[on their way to the track]
Jake: How much can I bet?
Charlie: How much did you bring?
Jake: I have to use my own money?
Charlie: Boy, you really are your father's son, aren't you?
Jake: OK... [looking in his wallet] I have fourteen dollars.
Charlie: That's not gonna get you very far.
Jake: Um... oh, and I have a fifty-dollar gift certificate to Pizza Hut. Wanna buy it?
Charlie: Sure, I'll give you twenty-five bucks.
Jake: But it's worth fifty.
Charlie: To who?
Jake: To Pizza Hut.
Charlie: Well, then let the good folks at Pizza Hut place a bet for you.
Jake: How much can I bet?
Charlie: How much did you bring?
Jake: I have to use my own money?
Charlie: Boy, you really are your father's son, aren't you?
Jake: OK... [looking in his wallet] I have fourteen dollars.
Charlie: That's not gonna get you very far.
Jake: Um... oh, and I have a fifty-dollar gift certificate to Pizza Hut. Wanna buy it?
Charlie: Sure, I'll give you twenty-five bucks.
Jake: But it's worth fifty.
Charlie: To who?
Jake: To Pizza Hut.
Charlie: Well, then let the good folks at Pizza Hut place a bet for you.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: What a day. Just sitting and sitting and sitting.
Charlie: Huh.
Alan: It was like jury duty, without the fun of sending someone to jail.
Charlie: Huh.
Alan: It was like jury duty, without the fun of sending someone to jail.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: It's just money, Alan.
Alan: Well, I don't want him to think like that!
Charlie: Oh, much better he think like you? Squirreling away every dime he makes so he'll have it handy for alimony payments and phone sex?
Alan: For the last time, I misdialed!
Charlie: Yeah, every Wednesday night for twenty minutes.
Alan: Well, I don't want him to think like that!
Charlie: Oh, much better he think like you? Squirreling away every dime he makes so he'll have it handy for alimony payments and phone sex?
Alan: For the last time, I misdialed!
Charlie: Yeah, every Wednesday night for twenty minutes.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jake: She [Chloe] brought soup.
Charlie: Why would she bring soup?
Alan: You told her you had a bug, so she assumed it was bronchial. If you'd been more specific like I suggested, you could have precluded this. Nobody just drops by when they think you have diarrhea.
Charlie: Why would she bring soup?
Alan: You told her you had a bug, so she assumed it was bronchial. If you'd been more specific like I suggested, you could have precluded this. Nobody just drops by when they think you have diarrhea.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: I'm not jealous!
Alan: Charlie, you want to fire this guy [Fernando] just because he's younger and better looking than you.
Jake: And he can sing.
Charlie: This has nothing to do with that, and I can sing too!
Jake: Yeah, but you stink.
Alan: Charlie, you want to fire this guy [Fernando] just because he's younger and better looking than you.
Jake: And he can sing.
Charlie: This has nothing to do with that, and I can sing too!
Jake: Yeah, but you stink.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Alan, you know the difference between you and me?
[Charlie falls through the deck]
Alan: Yeah! I wouldn't fire the handyman before he finishes!
[Charlie falls through the deck]
Alan: Yeah! I wouldn't fire the handyman before he finishes!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Fernando comes out of Chloe's bedroom in his boxers.]
Charlie: About to sleep with my girlfriend?!
Fernando: OK [as in, "OK, that sounds better.] About to.
Charlie: About to sleep with my girlfriend?!
Fernando: OK [as in, "OK, that sounds better.] About to.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Evelyn: Teddy lives in Denver but he does a lot of business in L.A., so I helped him find a little pied-à-terre in Century City.
Jake: What's a "pied-à-terre"?
Evelyn: It's French for "a place to play hanky-panky with Grandma".
Alan and Charlie: Mom!
Evelyn: Oh, relax, it's not gonna scar him.
Alan: Yeah, but what about us?
Jake: What's a "pied-à-terre"?
Evelyn: It's French for "a place to play hanky-panky with Grandma".
Alan and Charlie: Mom!
Evelyn: Oh, relax, it's not gonna scar him.
Alan: Yeah, but what about us?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Look, Alan, I have no interest in hanging out with Mom's boyfriend du jour.
Alan: Why not? He seems like a great guy.
Charlie: He might be the greatest guy in the world, but he'll end up like every other husband or boyfriend she's ever had. Either she'll dump him, he'll dump her, or he'll die under suspicious circumstances. No matter what, you're left standing on the curb with your fishing pole on the first day of summer vacation, waiting for a Chrysler LeBaron that never comes!
Alan: Why not? He seems like a great guy.
Charlie: He might be the greatest guy in the world, but he'll end up like every other husband or boyfriend she's ever had. Either she'll dump him, he'll dump her, or he'll die under suspicious circumstances. No matter what, you're left standing on the curb with your fishing pole on the first day of summer vacation, waiting for a Chrysler LeBaron that never comes!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Teddy: Charlie, when you get to be my age, most of your friends are either married or dead.
Charlie: What's the difference?
Teddy: The dead ones smell up my plane.
Charlie: What's the difference?
Teddy: The dead ones smell up my plane.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Teddy: Unbelievable. An eighteen-second fight. Takes me longer to start peeing.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men