Two and a Half Men Quotes
Alan: Look, don't worry, you'll grow into it.
Jake: Why couldn't I get clothes that fit now?
Alan: Yeah, well, quit going through puberty and we'll talk about it.
Jake: Quit been so cheap and we'll talk about it! [leaves]
Alan: Hey, hey, watch your mouth!
Charlie: Hard to punish him for telling the truth.
Jake: Why couldn't I get clothes that fit now?
Alan: Yeah, well, quit going through puberty and we'll talk about it.
Jake: Quit been so cheap and we'll talk about it! [leaves]
Alan: Hey, hey, watch your mouth!
Charlie: Hard to punish him for telling the truth.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: So I can't even have one stupid thing in this house?
Charlie: Hey, leave Jake out of this.
Charlie: Hey, leave Jake out of this.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: What I'm saying is, you got nothing to complain about. You got your food in my refrigerator, your car in my garage, and your stupid flowered towels in my guest bathroom!
Alan: Hey, those towels are very pretty! They brighten up the whole room!
Charlie: They're gay, and they scream "civil union"!
Alan: They do not!
Charlie: "We're here, we're queer, dry your hands on us!"
Alan: Hey, those towels are very pretty! They brighten up the whole room!
Charlie: They're gay, and they scream "civil union"!
Alan: They do not!
Charlie: "We're here, we're queer, dry your hands on us!"
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: I thought I made it perfectly clear: I don't want this stupid bowl in my living room.
Alan: No, you said you didn't want it on the front table for keys, so I put it on the coffee table for candy.
Charlie: Well, now it's on your head for a hat.
[puts the bowl on Alan's head]
Alan: No, you said you didn't want it on the front table for keys, so I put it on the coffee table for candy.
Charlie: Well, now it's on your head for a hat.
[puts the bowl on Alan's head]
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Before we got here, this was just a big empty space where you just sat around, got drunk, and had casual sex with women you don't even care about. There was no love, no family, and no meaning.
Charlie: There's a word for that, Alan: "Utopia"!
Charlie: There's a word for that, Alan: "Utopia"!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Alan and Jake move in with Evelyn after Charlie kicks them out]
Teddy: Oh, great. Now we have to put on clothes for breakfast.
Evelyn: That's the least of our problems. All our leather gear is in the guest room.
Teddy: Oh, great. Now we have to put on clothes for breakfast.
Evelyn: That's the least of our problems. All our leather gear is in the guest room.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie[singing on TV]: He's a little boy, he is not a toy, don't shake-shake-shaaaake the baby!
Alan: When did you become the king of kids' songs?
Charlie: When did you become the Federal Trade Commission?
Alan: When did you become the king of kids' songs?
Charlie: When did you become the Federal Trade Commission?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie[singing]: I drink from a sippy cup, sippy cup, sippy cupI drink from a sippy cup 'cause I'm a big kid now
Bye-bye boobies, bye-bye boobies
bye-bye boobies 'cause I'm a big kid now!
TV commercial: Call now and you'll also receive a bonus Charlie Waffles scratch and sniff poster! It smells just like maple syrup!
Alan: What? They couldn't make it smell like bourbon?
Bye-bye boobies, bye-bye boobies
bye-bye boobies 'cause I'm a big kid now!
TV commercial: Call now and you'll also receive a bonus Charlie Waffles scratch and sniff poster! It smells just like maple syrup!
Alan: What? They couldn't make it smell like bourbon?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Who loves kids?
Kids: Charlie Waffles!
Charlie: Right!
[Charlie turns off the TV]
Charlie: That's it, what do you think?
Alan[after staring in disbelief]: I'm going back to bed.
Charlie[to Jake]: What about you?
Jake: You couldn't have TiVo'd this?
Charlie: Hey, Charlie Waffles may love kids, but he's getting pretty sick of you!
Kids: Charlie Waffles!
Charlie: Right!
[Charlie turns off the TV]
Charlie: That's it, what do you think?
Alan[after staring in disbelief]: I'm going back to bed.
Charlie[to Jake]: What about you?
Jake: You couldn't have TiVo'd this?
Charlie: Hey, Charlie Waffles may love kids, but he's getting pretty sick of you!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Hey, Alan, I figured out what went wrong in seventh grade!
Alan: What?
Charlie: I hadn't started drinking yet! [walks in drunk]
Alan: Charlie, you have to get out there.
Charlie: Right, the little bastards await.
Alan[to Artie]: You can't sue him if he just stinks, right?
Alan: What?
Charlie: I hadn't started drinking yet! [walks in drunk]
Alan: Charlie, you have to get out there.
Charlie: Right, the little bastards await.
Alan[to Artie]: You can't sue him if he just stinks, right?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: [plays a little bit then burps as kids laugh] That one's not on the CD!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: They love him! How can they love him?
Artie: Who cares? We're gonna make a fortune!
Alan: Doesn't it bother you that he's loaded?
Artie: He's a musician. It'd bother me if he wasn't.
Artie: Who cares? We're gonna make a fortune!
Alan: Doesn't it bother you that he's loaded?
Artie: He's a musician. It'd bother me if he wasn't.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Teddy: To Evelyn.
Everyone: Hear, hear.
Charlie: That poor clueless bastard.
Everyone: Hear, hear.
Charlie: That poor clueless bastard.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan We're gonna stay, congratulate the happy couple, mingle a bit, and then I'm gonna fake a migraine.
Charlie: You can do that?
Alan: Oh, yeah! I spent twelve years watching my wife fake migraines andorgasms.
Charlie: You can do that?
Alan: Oh, yeah! I spent twelve years watching my wife fake migraines andorgasms.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: But I restrained myself. I walked away, and now I can still look Teddy in the eye.
Alan: That's... that's great, but how come you have no problem looking me in the eye after sleeping with my wife's sister, my son's teacher, my divorce lawyer, and my old receptionist?
Charlie: I like Teddy. And the receptionist was your fault.
Alan: How?
Charlie: If you'd paid her a decent salary, she wouldn't have had to hook.
Alan: That's... that's great, but how come you have no problem looking me in the eye after sleeping with my wife's sister, my son's teacher, my divorce lawyer, and my old receptionist?
Charlie: I like Teddy. And the receptionist was your fault.
Alan: How?
Charlie: If you'd paid her a decent salary, she wouldn't have had to hook.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: How could you take the fall for me?
Alan: I don't know, but it always seem works out that when you get laid, I get screwed!
Alan: I don't know, but it always seem works out that when you get laid, I get screwed!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Gabrielle: So, you are a "seek-list"?
Alan: A what?
Gabrielle: A "seek-list"? You know, with your "bee-seek-el"?
Alan: Oh, yes. Yes, yes, I'm very passionate about, uh... "bee-seek-ling". I, I-- I even have a stationary "see-kel".
Gabrielle: Ah. [giggles]
Alan: I-- I also jog, and, uh, ab crunch, and of course, "Les... Buns of Steel".
Alan: A what?
Gabrielle: A "seek-list"? You know, with your "bee-seek-el"?
Alan: Oh, yes. Yes, yes, I'm very passionate about, uh... "bee-seek-ling". I, I-- I even have a stationary "see-kel".
Gabrielle: Ah. [giggles]
Alan: I-- I also jog, and, uh, ab crunch, and of course, "Les... Buns of Steel".
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Nice, huh?
Alan: Nice? She's magnificent!
Charlie: You should see her naked.
Alan: Can I?
Charlie: Well, I could show you pictures, but you may not wanna see that much of me.
Alan: Just out of curiosity, where do you find women like that? And-- and more importantly, how do you get them to go to bed with you?
Charlie: You really wanna know?
Alan: Yeah, what-- what's your secret?
Charlie: Well, see Alan, it's like this. I got a knack.
Alan: [moment of silence] That's not a secret.
Charlie: I didn't think so, but you asked.
Alan: So that's it, you got a knack?
Charlie: Hey, everybody's good at something. You, for instance... [stares at Alan] have no shame.
Alan: Excuse me, this is what they wear in the Tour de France.
Charlie: Alan, I just took a Tour de France, and the only thing I was wearing was a smile and a condom.
Alan: Nice? She's magnificent!
Charlie: You should see her naked.
Alan: Can I?
Charlie: Well, I could show you pictures, but you may not wanna see that much of me.
Alan: Just out of curiosity, where do you find women like that? And-- and more importantly, how do you get them to go to bed with you?
Charlie: You really wanna know?
Alan: Yeah, what-- what's your secret?
Charlie: Well, see Alan, it's like this. I got a knack.
Alan: [moment of silence] That's not a secret.
Charlie: I didn't think so, but you asked.
Alan: So that's it, you got a knack?
Charlie: Hey, everybody's good at something. You, for instance... [stares at Alan] have no shame.
Alan: Excuse me, this is what they wear in the Tour de France.
Charlie: Alan, I just took a Tour de France, and the only thing I was wearing was a smile and a condom.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: So, uh, how was school this week?
Jake: OK.
Alan: Anything noteworthy happen?
Jake: No.
Charlie: I thought you said he got dumped!
Alan: I was easing into it.
Charlie: Oh, good idea. Go ahead.
Alan: Jake, sooner or later every guy gets dumped.
Charlie: Some guys get dumped sooner and later, right, Alan? [Alan stares at him] Sorry, I should have eased into that.
Jake: OK.
Alan: Anything noteworthy happen?
Jake: No.
Charlie: I thought you said he got dumped!
Alan: I was easing into it.
Charlie: Oh, good idea. Go ahead.
Alan: Jake, sooner or later every guy gets dumped.
Charlie: Some guys get dumped sooner and later, right, Alan? [Alan stares at him] Sorry, I should have eased into that.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: I don't care. I got her [his high school girlfriend] number off the Internet and I'm calling her.
Charlie: When are they gonna invent a phone with a breathalyzer lock?
Charlie: When are they gonna invent a phone with a breathalyzer lock?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Judith: Hey, honey, how's it going?
Jake: Great. Uncle Charlie's a genius!
Judith: Good, good. [to Alan] You said you talked to him.
Alan: I did.
Judith: Then why is Uncle Charlie a genius?
Alan: 'Cause he never got married. [slams door in Judith's face] Oh, that's gonna come back to bite me in the ass. [he hears a knock on the door] And here it comes, jaws-a-snappin'. All right, I'm sorry! [he opens the door, but Gabrielle is there instead]
Gabrielle: Why are you sorry?
Alan: I just find it's easier that way.
Jake: Great. Uncle Charlie's a genius!
Judith: Good, good. [to Alan] You said you talked to him.
Alan: I did.
Judith: Then why is Uncle Charlie a genius?
Alan: 'Cause he never got married. [slams door in Judith's face] Oh, that's gonna come back to bite me in the ass. [he hears a knock on the door] And here it comes, jaws-a-snappin'. All right, I'm sorry! [he opens the door, but Gabrielle is there instead]
Gabrielle: Why are you sorry?
Alan: I just find it's easier that way.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Charlie is watching a boxing match with Jake, who is unimpressed]
Jake: In ultimate fighting, they kick, they elbow, they get a guy down and smash his head on the floor. These guys just dance around and barely hit each other.
Charlie: OK, OK, listen to me. Boxing is a science. Boxers don't just wail on each other. They strategize, feel each other out, wait for an opening.
Jake: Gay.
Jake: In ultimate fighting, they kick, they elbow, they get a guy down and smash his head on the floor. These guys just dance around and barely hit each other.
Charlie: OK, OK, listen to me. Boxing is a science. Boxers don't just wail on each other. They strategize, feel each other out, wait for an opening.
Jake: Gay.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: I once handed a date my Visa so she could pump gas for me, and in my next statement, there were charges for a boob job and a PlayStation 3. And I never got to play with either one of them.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: You clear on everything I told you?
Alan: Yes, yes, I'm gonna go to her house, pick her up, take her to the restaurant--
Charlie: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Pick her up? You're supposed to meet her there.
Alan: Why?
Charlie: What do you mean, "why"? You're gonna break up with her and then drive her home? You'll need the Jaws of Life to get her out of your car.
Alan: You didn't say anything about that.
Charlie: It's common sense. You know why Custer and Sitting Bull didn't share a pony to Little Big Horn? Because they knew there were gonna be some hurt feelings and the ride home would be awkward!
Alan: Yes, yes, I'm gonna go to her house, pick her up, take her to the restaurant--
Charlie: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Pick her up? You're supposed to meet her there.
Alan: Why?
Charlie: What do you mean, "why"? You're gonna break up with her and then drive her home? You'll need the Jaws of Life to get her out of your car.
Alan: You didn't say anything about that.
Charlie: It's common sense. You know why Custer and Sitting Bull didn't share a pony to Little Big Horn? Because they knew there were gonna be some hurt feelings and the ride home would be awkward!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: How can a kid with such lousy taste in pizza and movies have such good taste in girls?
Jake: She is kind of cute.
Charlie: Why don't you go talk to her?
Jake: I don't know what to say.
Charlie: That's never stopped you from running your mouth before!
Jake: She is kind of cute.
Charlie: Why don't you go talk to her?
Jake: I don't know what to say.
Charlie: That's never stopped you from running your mouth before!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie[after getting pepper-sprayed by a woman at the pizza restaurant]: It's worse than the potpourri!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jake: You really want to do something with me?
Alan: Yes!
Jake: How about if you drive me to the mall so I can see a movie with my friends and you pick me up when we're done?
Alan: And... what am I supposed to do all that time?
Jake: Well, if I were you, I'd go to Les Girls Girls Girls.
[Charlie walks into the kitchen]
Charlie: Who's going to Les Girls Girls Girls?
Alan: Nobody.
Charlie: Too bad. Daytime's better. Dancers are a little worse for wear but they try harder.
Alan: Yes!
Jake: How about if you drive me to the mall so I can see a movie with my friends and you pick me up when we're done?
Alan: And... what am I supposed to do all that time?
Jake: Well, if I were you, I'd go to Les Girls Girls Girls.
[Charlie walks into the kitchen]
Charlie: Who's going to Les Girls Girls Girls?
Alan: Nobody.
Charlie: Too bad. Daytime's better. Dancers are a little worse for wear but they try harder.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Evelyn: We're at the same theater! What a happy coincidence!
Charlie: Yeah, just like Booth and Lincoln.
Charlie: Yeah, just like Booth and Lincoln.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Berta: What's bugging you, Zippy? Your blow-up doll run off with a pool toy?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Charlie is on the couch, sick]
Charlie: Hello? Anybody here? Anybody gonna take care of good old Charlie? OK, then. [picks up the phone] Time to scrape the bottom of the barrel. [on the phone]: Mommy, I don't feel good!
Evelyn: Charles, don't tell me you've got a case of the Bangkok Drippy-Drip. [to her pedicurist]: No offense.
Charlie: No, it's either a cold or a flu
Evelyn: And this concerns me how?
Charlie: I thought you could make me some soup or put a cold wet cloth on my head.
Evelyn: Oh darling, I'd love to, but, unfortunately, Mommy's sick too
[Evelyn holds her phone up to the pedicurist, who is coughing violently due the the nail polish}
Charlie: That does sound bad.
Evelyn: Oh, it is.
Pedicurist: [In Thai, subtitled] I hate painting the hooves of this white she-bitch.
Charlie: What was that?
Evelyn: Oh, just my delerious fever babble. Bye dear.
[hangs up]
Charlie: Hello? Anybody here? Anybody gonna take care of good old Charlie? OK, then. [picks up the phone] Time to scrape the bottom of the barrel. [on the phone]: Mommy, I don't feel good!
Evelyn: Charles, don't tell me you've got a case of the Bangkok Drippy-Drip. [to her pedicurist]: No offense.
Charlie: No, it's either a cold or a flu
Evelyn: And this concerns me how?
Charlie: I thought you could make me some soup or put a cold wet cloth on my head.
Evelyn: Oh darling, I'd love to, but, unfortunately, Mommy's sick too
[Evelyn holds her phone up to the pedicurist, who is coughing violently due the the nail polish}
Charlie: That does sound bad.
Evelyn: Oh, it is.
Pedicurist: [In Thai, subtitled] I hate painting the hooves of this white she-bitch.
Charlie: What was that?
Evelyn: Oh, just my delerious fever babble. Bye dear.
[hangs up]
TV Show: Two and a Half Men