Two and a Half Men Quotes
Rose: What are you doing?
Charlie: Nighttime cold medicine and Scotch. I call it the "Drunken Hulk".
Charlie: Nighttime cold medicine and Scotch. I call it the "Drunken Hulk".
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Rose: The truth is, I just love feeding him, cleaning him, changing him...
Alan: You're changing him?
Berta: You're cleaning him?
Jake: You know, if you stop feeding him, you won't have to change him.
Rose: I don't mind. I'm a loving nurturer.
Jake: Uncle Charlie says you're a crazy stalker.
Rose: Potato, pot-ah-to.
Alan: You're changing him?
Berta: You're cleaning him?
Jake: You know, if you stop feeding him, you won't have to change him.
Rose: I don't mind. I'm a loving nurturer.
Jake: Uncle Charlie says you're a crazy stalker.
Rose: Potato, pot-ah-to.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Cynthia: Hi, Jake! Look how big you're getting!
Jake: It's called "puberty".
Charlie: It's called "doughnuts".
Jake: Doughnuts don't make hair.
Jake: It's called "puberty".
Charlie: It's called "doughnuts".
Jake: Doughnuts don't make hair.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Herb is gardening]
Charlie: How do you feel about bushes, Herb?
Herb: Well... I like a full bush. The way God intended.
Charlie: I like 'em trimmed.
Charlie: How do you feel about bushes, Herb?
Herb: Well... I like a full bush. The way God intended.
Charlie: I like 'em trimmed.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Judith said Cynthia wouldn't go out with me, and she was wrong, so, [high-pitched]: ha!
Charlie: Hey, I told you she would go out with you.
Alan: And you were right, sir! I ignore you at my own peril when it comes to women, liquor, and venereal disease.
Charlie: Hey, I told you she would go out with you.
Alan: And you were right, sir! I ignore you at my own peril when it comes to women, liquor, and venereal disease.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Huh. So you're saying Farmer Herb's tilling soil you couldn't even get your hoe into.
Alan: M-- My hoe?
Charlie: Yeah, you know with an "e"? "Hoe"?
Alan: M-- My hoe?
Charlie: Yeah, you know with an "e"? "Hoe"?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: What's his [Herb's] secret? How does he do it?
Berta: Maybe he's got a big trouser monkey.
Alan: Have you been listening this whole time?
Berta: Wouldn't you?
Alan: You think she's right? You-- you think he's just... well-endowed?
Charlie: Could be. He's about six-four, got big hands... if everything else is proportional, I'm guessing he could ring doorbells with that thing.
Alan: You're not helping.
Charlie: I rarely do.
Berta: Maybe he's got a big trouser monkey.
Alan: Have you been listening this whole time?
Berta: Wouldn't you?
Alan: You think she's right? You-- you think he's just... well-endowed?
Charlie: Could be. He's about six-four, got big hands... if everything else is proportional, I'm guessing he could ring doorbells with that thing.
Alan: You're not helping.
Charlie: I rarely do.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: How much you looking to spend?
Alan: Uh, well, as you know, I am a bit of a bargain hunter.
Charlie: Yeah, but unfortunately, they don't stock hookers at the 99-cent store.
Alan: Uh, well, as you know, I am a bit of a bargain hunter.
Charlie: Yeah, but unfortunately, they don't stock hookers at the 99-cent store.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Did you make the call?
Charlie: Here. Her name's Alexis. She's expecting to hear from you.
Alan: Ooh, Alexis... that-- that's a pretty name.
Charlie: They all have pretty names, Alan. You'll never meet a hooker named "Maude".
Charlie: Here. Her name's Alexis. She's expecting to hear from you.
Alan: Ooh, Alexis... that-- that's a pretty name.
Charlie: They all have pretty names, Alan. You'll never meet a hooker named "Maude".
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jake: You and me are having dinner with them [Milly and her mother] on Friday, so you can catch up.
Charlie: You and me.
Jake: Just don't clock block me, OK?
Charlie: "Clock block" you?
Jake: That's not it?
Charlie: No, that's not it.
Charlie: You and me.
Jake: Just don't clock block me, OK?
Charlie: "Clock block" you?
Jake: That's not it?
Charlie: No, that's not it.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Rose: You're waiting for a prostitute?
Alan: No.
Rose: Oh, Alan, that's not like you.
Alan: Yeah, well, when you've had your heart broken enough times and you can't even bear the thought of having an emotional connection with another human being, what else is there to do?
Rose: A lot of people masturbate, I hear. Really, I've heard them.
Alan: Nevertheless, sometimes a man needs to feel something other than his own touch.
Rose: Have you tried switching hands? It's like being with a clumsy stranger.
Alan: No.
Rose: Oh, Alan, that's not like you.
Alan: Yeah, well, when you've had your heart broken enough times and you can't even bear the thought of having an emotional connection with another human being, what else is there to do?
Rose: A lot of people masturbate, I hear. Really, I've heard them.
Alan: Nevertheless, sometimes a man needs to feel something other than his own touch.
Rose: Have you tried switching hands? It's like being with a clumsy stranger.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jake: So, Milly, do you play dodgeball?
Milly: No.
Jake: I enjoy it quite a bit, 'cause it's just man against man, but with big red balls.
Charlie: Ix-nay on the alls-bay.
Jake: What?
Charlie: Just don't say "balls".
Milly: No.
Jake: I enjoy it quite a bit, 'cause it's just man against man, but with big red balls.
Charlie: Ix-nay on the alls-bay.
Jake: What?
Charlie: Just don't say "balls".
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jake: I think competitive eating really changed when that Japanese guy started wetting the hot dog buns. I actually figured out that trick myself... by accident.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Waiter: Can I bring you anything else?
Charlie: Yeah, get me a bottle of Scotch, a taxi, and a smarter kid.
Charlie: Yeah, get me a bottle of Scotch, a taxi, and a smarter kid.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Ha-have you ever seen him [Charlie] act this way before?
Berta: Well, when Viagra first came out, I thought he was gonna die. You know how they say if your erection lasts more than four hours, you should call your doctor? He'd just call another girl.
Berta: Well, when Viagra first came out, I thought he was gonna die. You know how they say if your erection lasts more than four hours, you should call your doctor? He'd just call another girl.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Oh, Charlie, don't you think you need to slow down a bit?
Charlie: Why would I want to do that?
Alan: Well, come on! Is-- is this lifestyle actually making you happy?
Charlie: Let me answer that question with another question: Who would you rather be, you or me?
Alan: You're kidding, right? You have two black eyes and you're perched on a scrotum cozy. [reluctantly]: You.
Charlie: Why would I want to do that?
Alan: Well, come on! Is-- is this lifestyle actually making you happy?
Charlie: Let me answer that question with another question: Who would you rather be, you or me?
Alan: You're kidding, right? You have two black eyes and you're perched on a scrotum cozy. [reluctantly]: You.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Charlie, don't you see what's happening to you?
Charlie: Nothing's happening, except that I offered to buy a policewoman a $500 martini!
Alan: Well, then, I guess there's no point in my talking to you anymore.
Charlie: All right. Then something good came of this.
Charlie: Nothing's happening, except that I offered to buy a policewoman a $500 martini!
Alan: Well, then, I guess there's no point in my talking to you anymore.
Charlie: All right. Then something good came of this.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Look at him. He can type eighty words a minute with his thumb, but he can't pee without hitting the shower curtain.
Alan: Fortunately, typing is a job skill and peeing is not.
Jake[while text messaging]: Oh, dude, WTF?
Alan: Fortunately, typing is a job skill and peeing is not.
Jake[while text messaging]: Oh, dude, WTF?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: You're gonna get married?
Charlie: Yep. Settle down, have a couple of kids, and ship the penis up to Cooperstown.
Alan: Cooperstown?
Charlie: It is my bat.
Alan: Well, sounds like you've got everything figured out.
Charlie: You don't ever figure this stuff out, Alan. You just take little baby steps on a lifelong path to becoming a better man.
Alan: Uh-huh. How many pain pills have you taken?
Charlie: Yep. Settle down, have a couple of kids, and ship the penis up to Cooperstown.
Alan: Cooperstown?
Charlie: It is my bat.
Alan: Well, sounds like you've got everything figured out.
Charlie: You don't ever figure this stuff out, Alan. You just take little baby steps on a lifelong path to becoming a better man.
Alan: Uh-huh. How many pain pills have you taken?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Evelyn: Courtney and your brother are helping me with the wedding arrangements.
Charlie: It's your fifth wedding, Mom. What do you need help with, besides remembering the groom's name?
Evelyn: You know, I'd cut him out of the will if I thought there was a chance he'd outlive me.
Charlie: It's your fifth wedding, Mom. What do you need help with, besides remembering the groom's name?
Evelyn: You know, I'd cut him out of the will if I thought there was a chance he'd outlive me.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jake: When you marry my grandma, what does that make you to me?
Teddy: Nothing.
Teddy: Nothing.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Evelyn: And I just want you to know, I'm not after your father's money.
Courtney: I'm sure you're not.
Evelyn: Believe me, I got plenty of my own money.
Courtney: I'm sure you're not.
Evelyn: Believe me, I got plenty of my own money.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Alan and Charlie are in the ladies' restroom]
Charlie: What are you doing?
Alan: I'm here, I figure, what the hell?
Charlie: Just remember to put the seat back down.
Alan: It's a ladies' room. Why do they even go up?
Charlie: I don't know. It's a bigger target for broads who want to puke their dinner.
Charlie: What are you doing?
Alan: I'm here, I figure, what the hell?
Charlie: Just remember to put the seat back down.
Alan: It's a ladies' room. Why do they even go up?
Charlie: I don't know. It's a bigger target for broads who want to puke their dinner.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Charlie enters the house late at night. Alan is sitting in the living room.]
Alan: You were with her [Courtney], weren't you?
Charlie: What are you, my wife?
Alan: No, I'm the wedding planner.
Alan: You were with her [Courtney], weren't you?
Charlie: What are you, my wife?
Alan: No, I'm the wedding planner.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Jake takes a strawberry from the wedding cake]
Evelyn: We don't eat from the cake until we cut the cake.
Jake: But I'm still hungry.
Evelyn: Have some cheese!
Jake: Have we cut the cheese?
Evelyn: We don't eat from the cake until we cut the cake.
Jake: But I'm still hungry.
Evelyn: Have some cheese!
Jake: Have we cut the cheese?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: We've got a real problem here.
Berta: What do you mean "we"? [walks away]
Berta: What do you mean "we"? [walks away]
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Evelyn finds Teddy lying dead on Charlie's bed]
Evelyn: You son of a bitch.
Alan: So you weren't the one who was...
Evelyn: Of course not. I already married the man! I just can't believe he'd cheat on me on our wedding day!
Courtney: Excuse me, my father is lying here dead!
Evelyn: With his pants around his ankles and lipstick on his hoo-hoo.
Evelyn: You son of a bitch.
Alan: So you weren't the one who was...
Evelyn: Of course not. I already married the man! I just can't believe he'd cheat on me on our wedding day!
Courtney: Excuse me, my father is lying here dead!
Evelyn: With his pants around his ankles and lipstick on his hoo-hoo.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Berta: So who do you suppose was smoking Teddy's sausage?
Courtney: Berta, that is my father in there!
Berta: OK, so who do you suppose was smoking your father's sausage?
Courtney: Berta, that is my father in there!
Berta: OK, so who do you suppose was smoking your father's sausage?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[the crime scene investigators dim the lights in Charlie's room to check for semen]
Sloane: My God!
Wes: It's like a Jackson Pollock painting.
Charlie: The ceiling fan's actually a cute story.
Sloane: My God!
Wes: It's like a Jackson Pollock painting.
Charlie: The ceiling fan's actually a cute story.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Sloane: Jake, what I want to know is, were you in your uncle's room at any time today?
Jake: No, I never go to my uncle's room.
Sloane: Why not?
Jake: 'Cause all the skin mags are in my dad's room.
Jake: No, I never go to my uncle's room.
Sloane: Why not?
Jake: 'Cause all the skin mags are in my dad's room.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men