Two and a Half Men Quotes
Alexis[the prostitute from "Winky-Dink Time", walking by in handcuffs]: Hi, Alan.
Alan[to Evelyn after she stares at him]: Hey, I'm not the one who's got a dead husband with someone else's lipstick on his dipstick.
Alan[to Evelyn after she stares at him]: Hey, I'm not the one who's got a dead husband with someone else's lipstick on his dipstick.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: I'll bet you're sorry you took all that LSD before you had him [Jake].
Alan: I never took any LSD!
Charlie: You might want to start telling people you did.
Alan: I never took any LSD!
Charlie: You might want to start telling people you did.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jake[onThe Taming of the Shrew]: Dad, this is the wrong book.
Alan: What are you talking about?
Jake: It's in some sort of foreign language.
Alan: It's Elizabethan.
Jake: Well, can we get one in English?
Alan: Walk.
Alan: What are you talking about?
Jake: It's in some sort of foreign language.
Alan: It's Elizabethan.
Jake: Well, can we get one in English?
Alan: Walk.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: You're angry and resentful. But what you need to understand is that resentment is the mortar that holds the bricks of loneliness together in a wall of alienation and despair. Chapter 3, "Knocking Down the Wall".
Alan: Bite me. That's Chapter 1 in my forthcoming book entitled, Bite Me. Chapter 2 is called "Kiss My Pale White Ass".
Alan: Bite me. That's Chapter 1 in my forthcoming book entitled, Bite Me. Chapter 2 is called "Kiss My Pale White Ass".
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: You're supposed to be finishing your report.
Jake: I know, but I can't find the book.
Alan: You're kidding! We-- we just bought it.
Jake: What can I say, Dad? It's a big house and a little book.
Alan: Find... the book.
Jake: I'm really tired.
Alan: Find... the book!
Jake: Just saying it won't make it happen.
[Charlie walks into the house]
Alan: FIND... THE... BOOK!
Jake[running]: Heads up! He's losing it.
Alan: I should have put frosting on the damn book! He's never lost anything with frosting on it!
Jake: I know, but I can't find the book.
Alan: You're kidding! We-- we just bought it.
Jake: What can I say, Dad? It's a big house and a little book.
Alan: Find... the book.
Jake: I'm really tired.
Alan: Find... the book!
Jake: Just saying it won't make it happen.
[Charlie walks into the house]
Alan: FIND... THE... BOOK!
Jake[running]: Heads up! He's losing it.
Alan: I should have put frosting on the damn book! He's never lost anything with frosting on it!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: You're writing a report on The Taming of the Shrew, not The Voyages of Cap'n Crunch!
Jake: Too bad. I could write the crap out of that.
Alan: OK... [sighs] I'm not fooling around here. You are gonna finish this damn book and write the damn report, and you're gonna hand it in on Monday, spell-checked, formatted, and on freakin' time!
Jake: I have my doubts, Dad.
Jake: Too bad. I could write the crap out of that.
Alan: OK... [sighs] I'm not fooling around here. You are gonna finish this damn book and write the damn report, and you're gonna hand it in on Monday, spell-checked, formatted, and on freakin' time!
Jake: I have my doubts, Dad.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: So what do I owe you?
Dr. Freeman: Well, I get $200 an hour, you were here for five minutes, so why don't we just round it off and say $200?
Charlie[sighs]: Man. Even hookers prorate.
Dr. Freeman: Hookers don't have to listen to you, Charlie. Good-bye.
Dr. Freeman: Well, I get $200 an hour, you were here for five minutes, so why don't we just round it off and say $200?
Charlie[sighs]: Man. Even hookers prorate.
Dr. Freeman: Hookers don't have to listen to you, Charlie. Good-bye.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Why aren't you studying for your algebra final?
Jake: 'Cause I don't have to.
Alan: You don't have to study algebra.
Jake: Nope. All I gotta do is get a 67 to pass the course, and then it's adiós seventh grade, arrivederci eighth.
Alan: OK, we can cross "UN interpreter" off the job list...
Jake: 'Cause I don't have to.
Alan: You don't have to study algebra.
Jake: Nope. All I gotta do is get a 67 to pass the course, and then it's adiós seventh grade, arrivederci eighth.
Alan: OK, we can cross "UN interpreter" off the job list...
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[after Alan sings "Cat's in the Cradle" while washing dishes]
Charlie: It's not funny.
Alan: Well, maybe not funny "ha-ha", but certainly funny "hee-hee".
Charlie: That boy was nothing like me.
Alan: Well, he doesn't have ear hair and whiskey breath, but I'm guessing he'll grow into that.
Charlie: It's not funny.
Alan: Well, maybe not funny "ha-ha", but certainly funny "hee-hee".
Charlie: That boy was nothing like me.
Alan: Well, he doesn't have ear hair and whiskey breath, but I'm guessing he'll grow into that.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Hey, hey, lots of kids are named "Chuck", play the piano, and look disturbingly like me.
Berta: He's right. In fact, I'm surprised we're not up to our asses in 'em.
Berta: He's right. In fact, I'm surprised we're not up to our asses in 'em.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Alan, I have always conducted my sex life according to three simple principles. One: If at all possible, ladies first. Two: It's easier to be forgiven than ask permission. And third and most important: the ten seconds it takes to put on a condom beats the hell out of the ten years you have to pretend to like soccer.
Alan: Except when they don't work.
Charlie: Stupid tiny disclaimer on the side of the box. They should put it in big letters right on the reservoir tip. "Do you feel lucky, dumbass?"
Alan: Except when they don't work.
Charlie: Stupid tiny disclaimer on the side of the box. They should put it in big letters right on the reservoir tip. "Do you feel lucky, dumbass?"
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: What I've wanted to ask you is, "Do you think I've been a good role model?"
Jake: Are you kidding? You drink, you gamble, you have different women here practically every night. You're the best role model a guy could want!
Charlie: You think so?
Jake: Yeah, they should put your face on money.
Jake: Are you kidding? You drink, you gamble, you have different women here practically every night. You're the best role model a guy could want!
Charlie: You think so?
Jake: Yeah, they should put your face on money.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Russel: Whenever you're dealing with a manufactured product, there's always gonna be flaws in the process.
Charlie: Yeah, but aren't they supposed to be tested before they go out, or in?
Russel: Well, sure, but they don't test every one.
Charlie: They don't?
Russel: Masturbating's looking better and better, huh?
Charlie: Yeah, but aren't they supposed to be tested before they go out, or in?
Russel: Well, sure, but they don't test every one.
Charlie: They don't?
Russel: Masturbating's looking better and better, huh?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Jake is outdoors trying to hold a "Condos For Sale" sign]
Alan: Thanks, Mom. Th-- this is a perfect first job for him.
Charlie: First job? I think you're looking at the birth of a career.
Evelyn: I was gonna have him put up fliers, but I didn't trust him with a staple gun.
Alan: How much are you paying him?
Evelyn: Obviously, too much. Look at him! [Jake is picking his nose] For the record, I promised him $20 and a Playboy magazine.
Alan: Playboy?
Evelyn: Don't worry. I'll Magic Marker over the ta-tas and hoo-hoos.
Charlie: Oh, that's disturbing on so many levels.
Alan: Thanks, Mom. Th-- this is a perfect first job for him.
Charlie: First job? I think you're looking at the birth of a career.
Evelyn: I was gonna have him put up fliers, but I didn't trust him with a staple gun.
Alan: How much are you paying him?
Evelyn: Obviously, too much. Look at him! [Jake is picking his nose] For the record, I promised him $20 and a Playboy magazine.
Alan: Playboy?
Evelyn: Don't worry. I'll Magic Marker over the ta-tas and hoo-hoos.
Charlie: Oh, that's disturbing on so many levels.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Jake is reading the censored Playboy that Evelyn promised him]
Charlie: What are you doing?
Jake: Thanks to Grandma, I'm reading an interview with Jimmy Kimmel.
Charlie: What are you doing?
Jake: Thanks to Grandma, I'm reading an interview with Jimmy Kimmel.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: OK, OK, look, you're not going out to have fun. You never go out to have fun, because you know why? You're not a fun guy!
Alan: Oh, oh, I am very much a fun guy. We just have different definitions of "fun", and mine doesn't include urinary tract infections and dry heaving.
Alan: Oh, oh, I am very much a fun guy. We just have different definitions of "fun", and mine doesn't include urinary tract infections and dry heaving.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: So, bottom line, you don't have my money.
Charlie: No.
Alan: The money you promised to pay back today.
Charlie: The day hasn't even started yet!
Alan: It started for me.
Charlie: That's only because you're on Douchebag Savings Time!
Charlie: No.
Alan: The money you promised to pay back today.
Charlie: The day hasn't even started yet!
Alan: It started for me.
Charlie: That's only because you're on Douchebag Savings Time!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: I want my forty dollars!
Charlie: I only borrowed thirty-eight.
Alan: Yeah, well, I find round numbers easier to remember.
Charlie: You like round numbers, do you?
Alan: Yeah, I-- I like round numbers.
Charlie: OK, here's a round number for you: zero. Nice, tight circular shape. [makes a fist]: Nothing gets in, nothing gets out. Sound familiar, Alan?
Alan: Are you calling me anal?
Charlie: That's right. A-L-A-N. Anal.
Charlie: I only borrowed thirty-eight.
Alan: Yeah, well, I find round numbers easier to remember.
Charlie: You like round numbers, do you?
Alan: Yeah, I-- I like round numbers.
Charlie: OK, here's a round number for you: zero. Nice, tight circular shape. [makes a fist]: Nothing gets in, nothing gets out. Sound familiar, Alan?
Alan: Are you calling me anal?
Charlie: That's right. A-L-A-N. Anal.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: But, uh, but FYI, Charlie's a thief, a liar, and I suspect something of a firebug.
Herb: Really. Hmmm, he always struck me as a straight-shooter. Little loosey-goosey with the liquor and the ladies, but, uh, all in all, a good fella.
Judith: In what universe is Charlie Harper a "good fella"?
Herb: Well, I certainly don't know him as well as you do, so I'll just shut my pie hole.
Herb: Really. Hmmm, he always struck me as a straight-shooter. Little loosey-goosey with the liquor and the ladies, but, uh, all in all, a good fella.
Judith: In what universe is Charlie Harper a "good fella"?
Herb: Well, I certainly don't know him as well as you do, so I'll just shut my pie hole.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: At the risk of tooting my own horn, I am actually seeing two different women.
Charlie: Wow. Two women?
Alan: Yeah.
Charlie: And yet you're still tooting your own horn.
Charlie: Wow. Two women?
Alan: Yeah.
Charlie: And yet you're still tooting your own horn.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Go, my son, drizzle thy frosting on the divorced sticky buns of the Valley!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Alcohol is for people who can afford to lose a few brain-cells.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Morning, buddy. How do you like your eggs?
Jake: In an Easter basket.
Charlie: Scrambled it is.
Berta: Morning.
Charlie: Morning.
Berta: What'cha doing?
Charlie: Cooking breakfast. How do you like your eggs?
Berta: Sunny side up.
Charlie: Scrambled it is.
[later, Alan is talking on the phone]
Charlie: Hey, Alan! How do you like your eggs?
Alan[on the phone]: Uh, uh, one sec. Charlie, Stephanie wants to see me tonight, but I already made a date with Katie. What do I do?
Charlie: Scrambled it is.
Jake: In an Easter basket.
Charlie: Scrambled it is.
Berta: Morning.
Charlie: Morning.
Berta: What'cha doing?
Charlie: Cooking breakfast. How do you like your eggs?
Berta: Sunny side up.
Charlie: Scrambled it is.
[later, Alan is talking on the phone]
Charlie: Hey, Alan! How do you like your eggs?
Alan[on the phone]: Uh, uh, one sec. Charlie, Stephanie wants to see me tonight, but I already made a date with Katie. What do I do?
Charlie: Scrambled it is.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: So where's your friend?
Jake: Gabe? He ditched me when I started throwing up, the bat rastard.
Jake: Gabe? He ditched me when I started throwing up, the bat rastard.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Tonight, I give my second rose to bachelorette number two.
Charlie: Only you can gay up banging two women.
Charlie: Only you can gay up banging two women.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: We need to get rid of the staple gun.
Charlie: Staple guns do not staple shoes to coffee tables, Alan. Idiots do.
Charlie: Staple guns do not staple shoes to coffee tables, Alan. Idiots do.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Judith[sobbing]: How could this happen? How could I blow another marriage?
Alan: Oh, sweetie, you can't blame yourself. Although you are the common denominator.
Alan: Oh, sweetie, you can't blame yourself. Although you are the common denominator.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Jake is vomiting in the bathroom toilet]
Charlie: You know, your body's sending you a message.
Jake: Yeah, it's sayin' I should really chew my food more. Look at that shrimp -- you could wash it off and serve it again.
Charlie: Your body is also telling you that alcohol is poison.
Jake: If it's poison, why do you drink it?
Charlie: Because there are things inside of me I need to kill.
Jake: You can't kill bad feelings with alcohol, Uncle Charlie.
Charlie: Right.
Jake: And you can't stuff your emotions with cupcakes. Believe me, I've tried.
Charlie: I'm sure you have.
Charlie: You know, your body's sending you a message.
Jake: Yeah, it's sayin' I should really chew my food more. Look at that shrimp -- you could wash it off and serve it again.
Charlie: Your body is also telling you that alcohol is poison.
Jake: If it's poison, why do you drink it?
Charlie: Because there are things inside of me I need to kill.
Jake: You can't kill bad feelings with alcohol, Uncle Charlie.
Charlie: Right.
Jake: And you can't stuff your emotions with cupcakes. Believe me, I've tried.
Charlie: I'm sure you have.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: You know what the problem is? The women, the drinking... you guys look at me and you think it's easy. But what you don't see is all the years of hard work and dedication it took to make me the happy-go-lucky, drunken ass-wrangler I am today.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men