Two and a Half Men Quotes
[Jerome is looking for his daughter]
Charlie: Did you try calling your daughter?
Jerome: She left her cell phone at the house.
Charlie: Kids, huh? [tries to call Jake on his cell phone] It's ringing.
Jake's cell phone: Yo, bitch, I'm gonna slap you upYo, bitch, I'll slap you up
Yo, bitch, I'm gonna slap you up...
Charlie: Oh, that's unfortunate on so many levels.
Charlie: Did you try calling your daughter?
Jerome: She left her cell phone at the house.
Charlie: Kids, huh? [tries to call Jake on his cell phone] It's ringing.
Jake's cell phone: Yo, bitch, I'm gonna slap you upYo, bitch, I'll slap you up
Yo, bitch, I'm gonna slap you up...
Charlie: Oh, that's unfortunate on so many levels.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan[on the phone, wearing a dress]: Yes, yes, my car has been stolen. Yes, just now. If-- if you can hurry, you can... sure, I'll hold.
Evelyn: Why am I not surprised? Did it have to be my red chiffon?
Evelyn: Why am I not surprised? Did it have to be my red chiffon?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jerome[sobbing]: And after I blew out my knee, my wife left me.
Charlie: Oh, man, I'm sorry.
Jerome: For a placekicker!
Charlie: Ooh, insult to injury.
Jerome: A little tiny dude from Serbia. Not a single vowel in his entire name!
Charlie: Oh, yeah, Grl Zrbnck. That guy could sure split the uprights... in a football manner of speaking.
Charlie: Oh, man, I'm sorry.
Jerome: For a placekicker!
Charlie: Ooh, insult to injury.
Jerome: A little tiny dude from Serbia. Not a single vowel in his entire name!
Charlie: Oh, yeah, Grl Zrbnck. That guy could sure split the uprights... in a football manner of speaking.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: We'll be lucky to leave here [Evelyn's house] with all of our limbs and gonads!
Jake: What's a gonad?
Charlie: You are.
Jake: So it's bad.
Alan: You're not a gonad.
Charlie: Says the other gonad.
Jake: What's a gonad?
Charlie: You are.
Jake: So it's bad.
Alan: You're not a gonad.
Charlie: Says the other gonad.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Did you hear? Grandma's sending you to college!
Jake: Now? I haven't finished my soup!
Charlie: Mom, have you thought this through? Look at him! Maybe there should be one child left behind.
Jake: Now? I haven't finished my soup!
Charlie: Mom, have you thought this through? Look at him! Maybe there should be one child left behind.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Berta: She's [Evelyn] buying Lunkhead a car?
Charlie: And a college education.
Berta: Huh. Well, I guess that makes sense if it's a clown college and the car seats twenty.
Charlie: And a college education.
Berta: Huh. Well, I guess that makes sense if it's a clown college and the car seats twenty.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jake: What if I flunk out? Do I have to give the car back?
Evelyn: No, sweetheart, what makes you think you'll flunk out?
Jake: Well, history. Right now there's a 60/60 chance I'm gonna have to repeat the eighth grade.
Evelyn: 60/60, huh?
Jake: At least. It could be 70/40.
Evelyn: Well, we can rule out the Ivy League.
Jake: Is that good?
Evelyn: For the Ivy League.
Evelyn: No, sweetheart, what makes you think you'll flunk out?
Jake: Well, history. Right now there's a 60/60 chance I'm gonna have to repeat the eighth grade.
Evelyn: 60/60, huh?
Jake: At least. It could be 70/40.
Evelyn: Well, we can rule out the Ivy League.
Jake: Is that good?
Evelyn: For the Ivy League.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: It became clear to me that I don't like what I'm doing, and now that Mom is taking care of Jake, I can spend my time doing the things that give me joy.
Charlie: So you're gonna masturbate in a kayak?
Charlie: So you're gonna masturbate in a kayak?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jake: You should have seen it, Berta. The paramedics zipped him up in a big plastic bag.
Berta: Is that so?
Jake: It looked like one of those things that delivery guys use to keep pizza hot. I wonder if they got him to the morgue in thirty minutes or less.
Berta: Is that so?
Jake: It looked like one of those things that delivery guys use to keep pizza hot. I wonder if they got him to the morgue in thirty minutes or less.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jake: I was trying to research cars, but you wouldn't believe what comes up when you Google "Hummer".
Charlie: Actually, I would.
Charlie: Actually, I would.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: I've been thinking a lot about how fleeting life is, and that none of us really knows how long we're gonna be here.
Evelyn: Did you find another lump on your pee-pee?
Charlie: No, Mom, my pee-pee's fine!
Evelyn: I don't know how "worn down to a nub" can be fine, but all right...
Evelyn: Did you find another lump on your pee-pee?
Charlie: No, Mom, my pee-pee's fine!
Evelyn: I don't know how "worn down to a nub" can be fine, but all right...
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[while Charlie imagines his own funeral]
James Earl Jones: To be completely honest, I didn't know Charlie Harper. But any man who, with his dying breath, would set aside $25,000 and a first-class air ticket so I could deliver his eulogy is aces in my book!
James Earl Jones: To be completely honest, I didn't know Charlie Harper. But any man who, with his dying breath, would set aside $25,000 and a first-class air ticket so I could deliver his eulogy is aces in my book!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: So you and her [Melissa] are, uh...
Alan: Oh, no-no, no, nothing's happened yet. Just a little kissing, and... she could feel my... "enthusiasm".
Charlie: What, are you Noël Coward? Just say "boner"!
Alan: Oh, no-no, no, nothing's happened yet. Just a little kissing, and... she could feel my... "enthusiasm".
Charlie: What, are you Noël Coward? Just say "boner"!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Everything work out at the office?
Alan: Uh-huh.
Charlie: Manage to keep your hands off Really Little Annie Fanny?
Alan: Well, not exactly, but, uh, we did keep it above the waist.
Charlie: Her waist or yours?
Alan: Both. And it wasn't easy. I haven't checked, but I'm pretty sure my balls look like two-thirds of the Blue Man Group.
Charlie: Berta, hide the vacuum cleaner!
Alan: For the last time, I use it to get lint off my trousers.
Charlie: Then why do you call it "Brenda"?
Alan: Uh-huh.
Charlie: Manage to keep your hands off Really Little Annie Fanny?
Alan: Well, not exactly, but, uh, we did keep it above the waist.
Charlie: Her waist or yours?
Alan: Both. And it wasn't easy. I haven't checked, but I'm pretty sure my balls look like two-thirds of the Blue Man Group.
Charlie: Berta, hide the vacuum cleaner!
Alan: For the last time, I use it to get lint off my trousers.
Charlie: Then why do you call it "Brenda"?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Charlie and Jake are having dinner at Janine's house]
Charlie: Listen, buddy, you're gonna have to make yourself scarce. Maybe take a cab home.
Jake: You take a cab home. I'm doing great!
Charlie: How do you figure?
Jake: You blind? First base off the top of my head, second base in my ear...
Charlie: Listen to me, knucklehead, that woman's gotta be ten years older than you.
Jake: So? You're like, fifteen years older than her! Step aside, Grandpa.
Charlie: Listen, buddy, you're gonna have to make yourself scarce. Maybe take a cab home.
Jake: You take a cab home. I'm doing great!
Charlie: How do you figure?
Jake: You blind? First base off the top of my head, second base in my ear...
Charlie: Listen to me, knucklehead, that woman's gotta be ten years older than you.
Jake: So? You're like, fifteen years older than her! Step aside, Grandpa.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie[after Alan and Melissa share a breakfast sausage]: Aw. Nothing says "love" like a little morning pork.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: This is so nice. A private, intimate dinner for just the two of us. Oh, my God, you guys! [he and Melissa enter the room for Alan's birthday party but nobody is there] There's nobody here.
Melissa: I don't understand. I told them to be here an hour ago.
Alan: Yeah, well, what are you gonna do? My family are a bunch of thoughtless, selfish buttwipes. [he turns around to see Charlie, Jake, Evelyn, and Berta standing in the doorway]
Charlie: Surprise.
Melissa: I don't understand. I told them to be here an hour ago.
Alan: Yeah, well, what are you gonna do? My family are a bunch of thoughtless, selfish buttwipes. [he turns around to see Charlie, Jake, Evelyn, and Berta standing in the doorway]
Charlie: Surprise.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Melissa: I want to thank you all for coming to celebrate this wonderful occasion.
Berta: I thought it was Alan's birthday.
Berta: I thought it was Alan's birthday.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Evelyn: Alan, darling, you were always the good son. Of course, your brother didn't set the bar very high.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Melissa's Mother: I have pictures of myself dressed in a forest rangers uniform and have absoulately no memory of being a forest ranger. Thank you.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Wanna know her [Chelsea's] cat's name?
Charlie: No.
Alan: It's "Mandu".
Charlie: Mandu?
Alan: Yeah, you know, "Cat Mandu"? It's cute, huh?
Charlie: Why was I thinking "Puss-Puss"?
Alan: Because that's what you're always thinking.
Charlie: No.
Alan: It's "Mandu".
Charlie: Mandu?
Alan: Yeah, you know, "Cat Mandu"? It's cute, huh?
Charlie: Why was I thinking "Puss-Puss"?
Alan: Because that's what you're always thinking.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jake: No cookies? What the hell is going on around here?!
Alan: Hey, watch your mouth!
Jake: I am watching it. It's empty. I need dessert!
Alan: Hey, watch your mouth!
Jake: I am watching it. It's empty. I need dessert!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Dr. Freeman: You have a choice here: You can dig down and confront your feelings so they won't be controlling your behavior, or you can keep eating pudding and cookies until you have more chins than a Chinese phone book.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: And how's your family back in... Davenport, Iowa?
Chelsea: I'm from Champaign, Illinois.
Charlie: You sure?
Chelsea: I'm sure.
Charlie: Bastard set me up!
Chelsea: I'm from Champaign, Illinois.
Charlie: You sure?
Chelsea: I'm sure.
Charlie: Bastard set me up!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[on couples counseling]
Alan: Oh, it's horrible. But it's worth it, because you're paying a stranger to watch while your life goes down the toilet. Along with your money and your house and your car and every last SHRED OF YOUR SELF-RESPECT!
Charlie: You know, maybe you're not the right guy to ask.
Alan: Oh, no, no, no, I-- I'm the perfect guy to ask. Wh-- when Judith and I started, we were just a couple with a few problems. When we finished, I CAME TO LIVE ON YOUR COUCH! GOD BLESS COUPLES COUNSELING!
Alan: Oh, it's horrible. But it's worth it, because you're paying a stranger to watch while your life goes down the toilet. Along with your money and your house and your car and every last SHRED OF YOUR SELF-RESPECT!
Charlie: You know, maybe you're not the right guy to ask.
Alan: Oh, no, no, no, I-- I'm the perfect guy to ask. Wh-- when Judith and I started, we were just a couple with a few problems. When we finished, I CAME TO LIVE ON YOUR COUCH! GOD BLESS COUPLES COUNSELING!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Hey, hey, it's got nothing to do with jealousy. I just know, based on a lifetime of experience, that penises do not observe a traditional mourning period.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: So what's it gonna be? A movie, bowling, putt-putt, Nevada cathouse?
Jake: I vote for cathouse.
Alan: Do you even know what a cathouse is?
Jake: Not firsthand. That's why I voted for it!
Alan: A movie would be fine.
Charlie: All right. A movie it is. What's out that's good?
Jake: There's a new pirate movie. It's rated "Arr!" [Alan and Charlie stare at him] You guys have no sense of humor.
Jake: I vote for cathouse.
Alan: Do you even know what a cathouse is?
Jake: Not firsthand. That's why I voted for it!
Alan: A movie would be fine.
Charlie: All right. A movie it is. What's out that's good?
Jake: There's a new pirate movie. It's rated "Arr!" [Alan and Charlie stare at him] You guys have no sense of humor.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Charlie is drinking on the patio with Wanda while Chelsea is out of town]
Jake: Have I met this woman before?
Alan: I doubt it.
Jake: She looks familiar.
Alan: Blond, busty, and bombed? Around here, that's familiar.
Jake: I thought Uncle Charlie liked Chelsea.
Alan: He does.
Jake: Well, then, what's he doing with Wanda?
Alan: Well, buddy, it's like this: uh, despite his many admirable qualities, your Uncle Charlie is, at heart, a sleazeball.
Jake: That's what I figured. I just wanted a second opinion.
Jake: Have I met this woman before?
Alan: I doubt it.
Jake: She looks familiar.
Alan: Blond, busty, and bombed? Around here, that's familiar.
Jake: I thought Uncle Charlie liked Chelsea.
Alan: He does.
Jake: Well, then, what's he doing with Wanda?
Alan: Well, buddy, it's like this: uh, despite his many admirable qualities, your Uncle Charlie is, at heart, a sleazeball.
Jake: That's what I figured. I just wanted a second opinion.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Hey, Jake...
Jake: You might wanna hang back a sec. I just ripped off an air biscuit.
Chelsea: What?
Jake: I farted. Sorry, I get the fancy words from my dad.
Jake: You might wanna hang back a sec. I just ripped off an air biscuit.
Chelsea: What?
Jake: I farted. Sorry, I get the fancy words from my dad.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men