Two and a Half Men Quotes
Charlie: Hey, that was quick.
Alan: Yeah. Like every other time Judith screwed me.
Charlie: What happened?
Alan: What happened? I'll tell you what happened. My settlement conference turned into a drive-by colonoscopy.
Alan: Yeah. Like every other time Judith screwed me.
Charlie: What happened?
Alan: What happened? I'll tell you what happened. My settlement conference turned into a drive-by colonoscopy.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jake: Were you talking to Mom?
Alan: Yes, but I-- I hung up before I said the bad stuff.
Jake: Yeah, she does the same thing to you.
Alan: Yes, but I-- I hung up before I said the bad stuff.
Jake: Yeah, she does the same thing to you.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Um... remember, we have Jake's "session" first.
Charlie: Oh, man, I thought you didn't want him to go back to that quack.
Alan: I didn't, but Judith and I... talked, and we decided that what I want makes no difference whatsoever.
Charlie: Man, you are so whipped!
Alan: I am not whipped! I just-- I'm just trying to keep everybody happy.
Charlie: Meow-fitchoo!
Alan: I am not "meow-fitchooed".
Charlie: You're right. It's been a long time since you got any "meow".
Jake: Are we getting a cat?
Charlie: Oh, man, I thought you didn't want him to go back to that quack.
Alan: I didn't, but Judith and I... talked, and we decided that what I want makes no difference whatsoever.
Charlie: Man, you are so whipped!
Alan: I am not whipped! I just-- I'm just trying to keep everybody happy.
Charlie: Meow-fitchoo!
Alan: I am not "meow-fitchooed".
Charlie: You're right. It's been a long time since you got any "meow".
Jake: Are we getting a cat?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Kathleen: You have a girlfriend yet?
Jake: No, I'm a bachelor like my Uncle Charlie.
Linda: So you're never gonna get married?
Jake: No, as long as I got someone to clean my house and some action on a regular basis, I don't need a wife.
Mandy: Excuse me?
Jake: I don't want to give anybody half my stuff.
Jake: No, I'm a bachelor like my Uncle Charlie.
Linda: So you're never gonna get married?
Jake: No, as long as I got someone to clean my house and some action on a regular basis, I don't need a wife.
Mandy: Excuse me?
Jake: I don't want to give anybody half my stuff.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Your sexist, manipulative attitude toward women just got into Jake's head, and he spewed it out in front of his mother's angry women's support group!
Charlie: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Is it a women's support group that's angry, or a support group just for angry women?
Alan: What difference does it make?
Charlie: Well, if they were already angry, then I'm less culpable.
Charlie: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Is it a women's support group that's angry, or a support group just for angry women?
Alan: What difference does it make?
Charlie: Well, if they were already angry, then I'm less culpable.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Why don't you just get snipped?
Charlie: You mean a vasectomy?
Alan: Yeah.
Charlie: Well, then, say "vasectomy". Don't say "snipped"!
Alan: What's wrong with "snipped"?
Charlie: It's demeaning. "Snipped" is what you get for twelve bucks at Supercuts.
Alan: Fine. Why don't you get a vasectomy?
Charlie: I've considered it. In fact, a couple of years ago, I believe there was a petition circulating.
Charlie: You mean a vasectomy?
Alan: Yeah.
Charlie: Well, then, say "vasectomy". Don't say "snipped"!
Alan: What's wrong with "snipped"?
Charlie: It's demeaning. "Snipped" is what you get for twelve bucks at Supercuts.
Alan: Fine. Why don't you get a vasectomy?
Charlie: I've considered it. In fact, a couple of years ago, I believe there was a petition circulating.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: I'm not a particularly religious guy, but clearly, a power much greater than myself wants me to knock somebody up someday.
Rose: You called?
Rose: You called?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: I'm just having some friends over to... smoke cigars, sample some fine single-malt Scotch, and, you know, talk.
Alan: I enjoy all those things. But Scotch makes me a little gassy, but I'll take a Beano and I'm good to go.
Alan: I enjoy all those things. But Scotch makes me a little gassy, but I'll take a Beano and I'm good to go.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Wait a minute, you don't consider me a friend?
Charlie: It's not up to me. A friend is someone you choose, a brother is someone you get...
Alan: Excuse me?
Charlie: There's no choice involved! Your dad just wakes you up in the middle of the night and says, "Your mom wasn't really fat and this isn't your room anymore."
Alan: But you wanted me to live here with you. You offered me.
Charlie: Well, actually I wanted Jake to come live with me but I figured, you two are a package deal.
Charlie: It's not up to me. A friend is someone you choose, a brother is someone you get...
Alan: Excuse me?
Charlie: There's no choice involved! Your dad just wakes you up in the middle of the night and says, "Your mom wasn't really fat and this isn't your room anymore."
Alan: But you wanted me to live here with you. You offered me.
Charlie: Well, actually I wanted Jake to come live with me but I figured, you two are a package deal.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: So... in addition to my house, half my money, and my self-esteem, Judith got custody of all my friends.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Sean Penn: Charlie, when are you gonna stop resenting your brother just for being born?
Charlie: I don't resent him for being born, but he abused the privilege!
Charlie: I don't resent him for being born, but he abused the privilege!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Wow. Wow, uh, Elvis, that was, uh... that was beautiful. But you know, uh, in all honesty, um, I really, really loved your uh, earlier, you know, angrier stuff. You know, uh, "Pump It Up"! Now, now that was a song. [chuckling]
Sean Penn: I knew that.
Alan: Oh, and, uh, and while we're on the subject, Sean, um, why don't you do funny stuff like you used to? I mean, Fast Times ruled, man! [chuckling] C'mon, uh, do-- do a little Spicoli for us!
[cut to Alan duct-taped to a lamp post on Wilshire Boulevard]
Alan: Guys? This isn't funny. Uh-oh, clammy hands, nausea... Guys? Guys? GUYS?!
Sean Penn: I knew that.
Alan: Oh, and, uh, and while we're on the subject, Sean, um, why don't you do funny stuff like you used to? I mean, Fast Times ruled, man! [chuckling] C'mon, uh, do-- do a little Spicoli for us!
[cut to Alan duct-taped to a lamp post on Wilshire Boulevard]
Alan: Guys? This isn't funny. Uh-oh, clammy hands, nausea... Guys? Guys? GUYS?!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Hmmm, tequila? Checkbook? Sourpuss? Must be alimony time.
Alan: Go away, Charlie.
Charlie: Boy, you'd think for all that money, she'd at least come over and give you a lap dance.
Alan: Leave me alone, Charlie!
Charlie: In fact, you know what would be really funny? Where it says "memo," write "lap dance." Give her something to explain at tax time.
Alan: Go away, Charlie.
Charlie: Boy, you'd think for all that money, she'd at least come over and give you a lap dance.
Alan: Leave me alone, Charlie!
Charlie: In fact, you know what would be really funny? Where it says "memo," write "lap dance." Give her something to explain at tax time.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Our pediatrician. My ex-wife is sleeping with our... pediatrician. [breaks the head off the giraffe]
Charlie: I wonder if she gets a lollipop after every visit.
Charlie: I wonder if she gets a lollipop after every visit.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Hey, hey, here's a funny thing! Uh, my name's Al, and I, uh, I give Judith money, [chuckles] so it's, uh, so it's, uh, "Al-i-mony".
Herb: Wouldn't it be "Al-i-money"?
Alan: I was afraid you'd pick up on that.
Herb: Wouldn't it be "Al-i-money"?
Alan: I was afraid you'd pick up on that.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jamie[to Alan]: You can never have this. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER! [leaves]
Charlie: Well, I guess we know why she's still single.
Charlie: Well, I guess we know why she's still single.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[After an earthquake has struck while Charlie was in bed with a woman]
Alan: Apparently, the earthquake hit Sherman Oaks a lot harder than Malibu.
Charlie: What earthquake?
Alan: 'What earthquake?' About an hour ago, you didn't feel the house shaking?
[Charlie stares into space for a moment with a blank expression on his face]
Charlie: Oh.
Alan: Unbelievable. You actually thought that was you?
Charlie: No, I thought it was her. Y'know, because of me. Well the good news is unless they report it on Polish TV I still get the credit.
Alan: Apparently, the earthquake hit Sherman Oaks a lot harder than Malibu.
Charlie: What earthquake?
Alan: 'What earthquake?' About an hour ago, you didn't feel the house shaking?
[Charlie stares into space for a moment with a blank expression on his face]
Charlie: Oh.
Alan: Unbelievable. You actually thought that was you?
Charlie: No, I thought it was her. Y'know, because of me. Well the good news is unless they report it on Polish TV I still get the credit.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: I'm not saying I hate you, but if I did, it might have something to do with the fact that you're a narcissistic bloodsucker who drove my father into an early grave, after which you married a succession of men who couldn't care less about Alan and me, which was just fine with you 'cause you... looked at us like a couple of dancing monkeys you could just haul out whenever it suited you! And when it didn't, you sent us off to boarding school or camp or that kibbutz in Israel, where we got beat up 'cause we weren't even Jewish! And now... now you show up here every chance you get to lay a guilt trip on me for not appreciating my cold, lonely, loveless childhood!
Evelyn: Well... obviously you're not ready to talk about it.
Evelyn: Well... obviously you're not ready to talk about it.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Well, I want it on the record that if the kid was running a blackjack game under the bleachers, he didn't necessarily get the idea from me.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Miss Pasternak: Jake, I'm only your teacher from 8: 15 to 3: 00. After that, I'm just a person like anyone else.
Jake: Oh, this is more wrong than the time I saw Santa peeing at the mall.
Jake: Oh, this is more wrong than the time I saw Santa peeing at the mall.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Miss Pasternak: Do you think he'll [Jake] be OK?
Charlie: Sure, he's just not used to seeing his teacher out of the classroom... and her pants.
Charlie: Sure, he's just not used to seeing his teacher out of the classroom... and her pants.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: [Reading Jake's test answers]Abraham Lincoln signed the Declaration of Independence in....pen. For this you got an A?
Jake: Yeah, everybody did. I love you Uncle Charlie [Runs to his room]
Alan: I think you know what you have to do.
Charlie: Um... break up with Miss Pasternak, right?
Alan: Hell, no, he's [Jake] getting A's. He hasn't gotten an A since nap time in kindergarten.
Charlie: But he's not learning anything!
Alan: Charlie, get your priorities straight; I'm trying to get him into a decent middle school! After he's accepted, he can learn that Sacajawea wasn't... [reading Jake's test answer]: "a bag full of Jawea".
Jake: Yeah, everybody did. I love you Uncle Charlie [Runs to his room]
Alan: I think you know what you have to do.
Charlie: Um... break up with Miss Pasternak, right?
Alan: Hell, no, he's [Jake] getting A's. He hasn't gotten an A since nap time in kindergarten.
Charlie: But he's not learning anything!
Alan: Charlie, get your priorities straight; I'm trying to get him into a decent middle school! After he's accepted, he can learn that Sacajawea wasn't... [reading Jake's test answer]: "a bag full of Jawea".
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: OK, I gotta tell you, my weirdness bar for chicks is pretty high... but you are clearing it in street shoes.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Man, I guess you can afford a lot of cool stuff when you don't have to sell your blood and sperm to make alimony payments.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Evelyn: Charlie, I need to borrow your Mercedes.
Charlie: Well, since you're in a hurry, I'll give you a quick answer: no.
Evelyn: Charlie, please, I'm showing a house in half an hour.
Charlie: What's wrong with that little electric car you bought?
Evelyn: Oh, nothing! Well, it's fine, it's hip, it's what anyone who cares about this planet is driving. But if you're trying to sell real estate to a Saudi oil prince, you can't be driving up in some little toy car with a plug in the bumper.
Alan: Um, you could use my car, Mom.
Evelyn: You see? Now that is how a loving son treats his mother. [to Alan]: Thank you, sweetheart, but I need to look successful.
Charlie: Well, since you're in a hurry, I'll give you a quick answer: no.
Evelyn: Charlie, please, I'm showing a house in half an hour.
Charlie: What's wrong with that little electric car you bought?
Evelyn: Oh, nothing! Well, it's fine, it's hip, it's what anyone who cares about this planet is driving. But if you're trying to sell real estate to a Saudi oil prince, you can't be driving up in some little toy car with a plug in the bumper.
Alan: Um, you could use my car, Mom.
Evelyn: You see? Now that is how a loving son treats his mother. [to Alan]: Thank you, sweetheart, but I need to look successful.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: So this is pretty cool, huh, Jake? An electric car.
Jake: I guess. What happens when the batteries run out?
Alan: You plug it in and recharge it.
Jake: Yeah, but what if there's a blackout?
Charlie: Then you sit in the back seat with a loaded pistol and wait for the looters just like any other car.
Alan: Charlie...
Charlie: It's a cool car, Jake.
Jake: Greg has a really cool car. He has a Hummer.
Charlie: You know, your Uncle Charlie's no stranger to Hummers.
Jake: I guess. What happens when the batteries run out?
Alan: You plug it in and recharge it.
Jake: Yeah, but what if there's a blackout?
Charlie: Then you sit in the back seat with a loaded pistol and wait for the looters just like any other car.
Alan: Charlie...
Charlie: It's a cool car, Jake.
Jake: Greg has a really cool car. He has a Hummer.
Charlie: You know, your Uncle Charlie's no stranger to Hummers.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Charlie shows Alan a bra that he found in the back seat of his Mercedes]
Alan: Holy mother of God!
Charlie: No, no, unholy mother of us!
Alan: Holy mother of God!
Charlie: No, no, unholy mother of us!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Evelyn: I left a $300 bra in the back seat of your Mercedes, and I want it back.
Charlie: Oh, my. How in heaven's name did that happen, Mother?
Evelyn: Well, if you must know--
Alan: I don't need to know.
Evelyn: Oh, Alan, grow up. [to Charlie]: I sold a $12 million house and I wanted to celebrate.
Charlie: With the Saudi prince?
Evelyn: Don't be ridiculous. He's got nine wives and they're all, like, eleven years old. No, I-- I was with the seller's realtor. Splitting that juicy commission made us both so hot, we barely made it off the front lawn. Now go get Mommy's bra.
Charlie: Oh, my. How in heaven's name did that happen, Mother?
Evelyn: Well, if you must know--
Alan: I don't need to know.
Evelyn: Oh, Alan, grow up. [to Charlie]: I sold a $12 million house and I wanted to celebrate.
Charlie: With the Saudi prince?
Evelyn: Don't be ridiculous. He's got nine wives and they're all, like, eleven years old. No, I-- I was with the seller's realtor. Splitting that juicy commission made us both so hot, we barely made it off the front lawn. Now go get Mommy's bra.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men