Two and a Half Men Quotes
Jake: I'm gonna live here with you and Dad from now on.
Charlie: Wanna bet?
Jake: Why not?
Charlie: Two reasons: your mother loves you and life is cruel. Wait, that may just be one reason.
Charlie: Wanna bet?
Jake: Why not?
Charlie: Two reasons: your mother loves you and life is cruel. Wait, that may just be one reason.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: A woman's much more relaxed and comfortable in her own surroundings. Plus, the minute she falls asleep, I can hit the bricks.
Alan: That's lovely. It's a shame you don't work for Hallmark.
Charlie: Yeah, I'll bet those guys get laid like crazy.
Alan: That's lovely. It's a shame you don't work for Hallmark.
Charlie: Yeah, I'll bet those guys get laid like crazy.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[on Charlie's date Sherri]
Rose: Oh, Charlie, you don't need a girl like that. You could do so much better.
Charlie: You're right, I can. She doesn't call when she says she will, she won't let me sleep over, she's obviously seeing other guys, so why can't I get her out of my head?
Rose: That's not where I was going, but let's review. She's gorgeous, but she's also self-centered, she's promiscuous, she's commitment-phobic...
Charlie: Oh, my God!
Rose: What?
Charlie: I'm dating myself. No wonder the sex is so good.
Rose: Oh, Charlie, you don't need a girl like that. You could do so much better.
Charlie: You're right, I can. She doesn't call when she says she will, she won't let me sleep over, she's obviously seeing other guys, so why can't I get her out of my head?
Rose: That's not where I was going, but let's review. She's gorgeous, but she's also self-centered, she's promiscuous, she's commitment-phobic...
Charlie: Oh, my God!
Rose: What?
Charlie: I'm dating myself. No wonder the sex is so good.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Now, what year did Magellan circumnavigate the globe?
Jake: It's not gonna be on the test.
Alan: Maybe not, but it wouldn't hurt for you to know it anyway.
Jake: Why would I want to know something I don't have to?
Alan: Because maybe you'll need to know it in the future.
Jake: Well, then that's when I'll learn it!
Alan: Why can't you just learn it now?
Jake: 'Cause there's only so much space in my brain that if you put Magellan in there, I might forget my locker combination.
Jake: It's not gonna be on the test.
Alan: Maybe not, but it wouldn't hurt for you to know it anyway.
Jake: Why would I want to know something I don't have to?
Alan: Because maybe you'll need to know it in the future.
Jake: Well, then that's when I'll learn it!
Alan: Why can't you just learn it now?
Jake: 'Cause there's only so much space in my brain that if you put Magellan in there, I might forget my locker combination.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Berta: Alan? I got a riddle for you: What's short, sticky, picky, and only supposed to be here on weekends? I'll give you a hint: It's your kid.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: I have to tell you something.
Alan: OK.
Charlie: Come on out in the bedroom.
Alan: All right. [leaves the bathroom; Charlie locks the door] What are you doing?
Charlie: You'll understand in a minute.
Alan: Uh, uh, I thought you had to tell me something.
Charlie: I do. There is no "Bad Alan". I'm the one who stole the Silly Putty and put it in your pocket when you weren't looking. Three, four, five, six, seven...
Alan[frantically knocking on the door]: DAMN YOU TO HELL! COME OUT HERE AND DIE LIKE A MAN!
Charlie: What do you know? There is a "Bad Alan."
Alan: OK.
Charlie: Come on out in the bedroom.
Alan: All right. [leaves the bathroom; Charlie locks the door] What are you doing?
Charlie: You'll understand in a minute.
Alan: Uh, uh, I thought you had to tell me something.
Charlie: I do. There is no "Bad Alan". I'm the one who stole the Silly Putty and put it in your pocket when you weren't looking. Three, four, five, six, seven...
Alan[frantically knocking on the door]: DAMN YOU TO HELL! COME OUT HERE AND DIE LIKE A MAN!
Charlie: What do you know? There is a "Bad Alan."
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jake: Hey, Dad, when you got arrested for shoplifting, did they take you to jail?
Alan: I did not get arrested, and there was no jail.
Jake: So I guess you never had to shank a guy to get your props in the yard.
Alan: You cracked the parental code on the cable box again, didn't you?
Jake: It's "1234." A monkey could crack that.
Alan: I did not get arrested, and there was no jail.
Jake: So I guess you never had to shank a guy to get your props in the yard.
Alan: You cracked the parental code on the cable box again, didn't you?
Jake: It's "1234." A monkey could crack that.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Evelyn: [About the menu] See anything you like dear?
Jake: I don't know. What's venison?
Evelyn: Deer.
Jake: What?
Evelyn: Deer.
Jake: What?
Evelyn: Deer. D-E-E-R.
Jake: What? W-H-A-T.
Evelyn: [To Alan] What's wrong with him?
Alan: Jake, she means the deer in the forest, like uh, Bambi.
Jake: Oh cool, let's eat Bambi!
Jake: I don't know. What's venison?
Evelyn: Deer.
Jake: What?
Evelyn: Deer.
Jake: What?
Evelyn: Deer. D-E-E-R.
Jake: What? W-H-A-T.
Evelyn: [To Alan] What's wrong with him?
Alan: Jake, she means the deer in the forest, like uh, Bambi.
Jake: Oh cool, let's eat Bambi!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: I-- I feel betrayed and-- and hurt in ways that... I can't even express! And-- and you think we can just dance past that?
Charlie: I was hoping.
Alan: Well, I am sorry, but it is not that easy. Thanks to you, my-- my life has been twisted beyond recognition! I mean, look at me, Charlie! I'm a-- I'm a broke, hopelessly neurotic, middle-aged man who doesn't even know who he is or where he belongs! I have nothing, Charlie. No-- no wife, no home, nothing.
Charlie: OK. So should I check back with you after lunch?
Charlie: I was hoping.
Alan: Well, I am sorry, but it is not that easy. Thanks to you, my-- my life has been twisted beyond recognition! I mean, look at me, Charlie! I'm a-- I'm a broke, hopelessly neurotic, middle-aged man who doesn't even know who he is or where he belongs! I have nothing, Charlie. No-- no wife, no home, nothing.
Charlie: OK. So should I check back with you after lunch?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: OK, then. I didn't need a reason to drink tonight, but it's nice to know I've got one.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Remember how you were a bed wetter until you were 8?
Alan: Yeah?
Charlie: You actually stopped at 6.
Alan: What, what? What did you do? Did you sneak into my room and-- and, and, and, and-- pour warm water on me while I was asleep?
Charlie: Yeah, OK. Let's... say it was water, and let's say I poured it. [Alan ponders this for a moment then gives an aghast expression as he realizes what Charlie means. Charlie doesn't seem to notice.] Well, I feel better, how about you?
Alan: Yeah?
Charlie: You actually stopped at 6.
Alan: What, what? What did you do? Did you sneak into my room and-- and, and, and, and-- pour warm water on me while I was asleep?
Charlie: Yeah, OK. Let's... say it was water, and let's say I poured it. [Alan ponders this for a moment then gives an aghast expression as he realizes what Charlie means. Charlie doesn't seem to notice.] Well, I feel better, how about you?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: I-- I wish there were a better way to deal with Mom.
Charlie: There is, but we're both too pretty for jail.
Charlie: There is, but we're both too pretty for jail.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie[slapping Alan with the plans for Evelyn's party]: Are? You? Happy? Now we have to throw a party for your crazy-ass mother!
Alan: Well, she's your mother, too!
Charlie: How do you know? I could have been adopted.
Alan: You wish!
Charlie: I do!
Alan: Well, she's your mother, too!
Charlie: How do you know? I could have been adopted.
Alan: You wish!
Charlie: I do!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Daisy: Anyway, I'm sleeping at a motel tonight.
Berta: Good idea. Maybe you'll meet your next husband on the walk there.
Berta: Good idea. Maybe you'll meet your next husband on the walk there.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Berta: That's it, I can't work like this!
Alan: Well, you have to, Berta! We got fifty people coming here in a couple of hours.
Berta: Don't tell me, tell her.
Alan: Fine.
Berta[to Charlie]: Watch this.
[Alan tries to talk to Daisy, who is meditating outside on the deck]
Daisy: HEY, I'M MEDITATING HERE!
Alan: Well, you have to, Berta! We got fifty people coming here in a couple of hours.
Berta: Don't tell me, tell her.
Alan: Fine.
Berta[to Charlie]: Watch this.
[Alan tries to talk to Daisy, who is meditating outside on the deck]
Daisy: HEY, I'M MEDITATING HERE!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Berta, Berta, you can't quit being related to somebody. Believe me, I've tried.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan[to Evelyn]: If you want to sit here and stew in the venom and bile that is the soup of your being, then fine. I hope you drown in it! [to Jake]: Don't you ever talk to your mother this way!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Berta: Well, gadzooks. Zippy's getting his freak on.
Charlie: Yeah, it seems we're living in an age of miracles.
Berta: I guess if they can put a man on the moon, they can put a woman on your brother.
Charlie: Yeah, it seems we're living in an age of miracles.
Berta: I guess if they can put a man on the moon, they can put a woman on your brother.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: OK, uh, just make sure Jake goes to bed early. He's got karate in the morning.
Charlie: Which, of course, you'll be back for.
Alan: Charlie, trust me.
Charlie: You, I trust. It's him [points toward Alan's penis] I'm worried about.
Charlie: Which, of course, you'll be back for.
Alan: Charlie, trust me.
Charlie: You, I trust. It's him [points toward Alan's penis] I'm worried about.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Evelyn: Listen, if I had gotten married after every weekend of hot, sweaty debauchery with a virtual stranger, you'd have, well, many more stepfathers than you already have.
Charlie: She knows what she's talking about, Alan. Mom's been on more hotel pillows than a chocolate mint.
Charlie: She knows what she's talking about, Alan. Mom's been on more hotel pillows than a chocolate mint.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: So, what are you doing for dinner?
Lisa: You're shameless.
Charlie: Thank you.
Lisa: It's not a compliment.
Charlie: Whatever. What are you doing for dinner?
Lisa: Charlie, a lot has changed.
Charlie: I know. I'm older and wiser, and you're hot and on the rebound!
Lisa: You're shameless.
Charlie: Thank you.
Lisa: It's not a compliment.
Charlie: Whatever. What are you doing for dinner?
Lisa: Charlie, a lot has changed.
Charlie: I know. I'm older and wiser, and you're hot and on the rebound!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: I'm sorry, are we done with what's bothering me?
Charlie: I am.
Alan: It's like talking to a horny chimp.
Charlie: I am.
Alan: It's like talking to a horny chimp.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Is there anything in your shower I need to know about?
Charlie: Come on. That's the most action you've had in months!
Alan: I have a loose tooth.
Charlie: Can't you just be happy for me? The woman I love is back in my life!
Alan: That's great. I'm thrilled. I can't eat apples.
Charlie: I'll bring you back some applesauce from Lisa's. Her kid needs to lay off the fiber, anyway.
Charlie: Come on. That's the most action you've had in months!
Alan: I have a loose tooth.
Charlie: Can't you just be happy for me? The woman I love is back in my life!
Alan: That's great. I'm thrilled. I can't eat apples.
Charlie: I'll bring you back some applesauce from Lisa's. Her kid needs to lay off the fiber, anyway.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie[through the baby monitor]: OK, let's take this thing [diaper] off. Oh, sweet Lord! Did you have Thai food for dinner or what? Man, Babe Ruth took smaller dumps!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Hey, what's that, uh, splattered all over your shirt?
Charlie: Coffee and breast milk.
Alan: What happened, did Starbucks merge with Hooters? "Hooterbucks." I'd like a double D-cup latte, please.
Charlie: Coffee and breast milk.
Alan: What happened, did Starbucks merge with Hooters? "Hooterbucks." I'd like a double D-cup latte, please.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Berta: What happened?
Jake: Dad was wrestling on the floor with a naked lady.
Berta: Well you're desperate.
Alan: Jake, we weren't wrestling, I just reached in to turn off the tap and she was startled. It was an honest mistake
Jake: But you admit, she was naked.
Alan: As I said, it was an honest mistake. So there's no need to tell your mother! Understand?
Jake: Yeah. I forgot you have to sign my math test.
Alan: Ok, D minus! Jake what am I gonna do with you?
Jake: Dunno.
Alan: Did you show this to your mother?
Jake: No.
Alan: Why not?
Jake: Cause I didn't catch her doing anything.
Jake: Dad was wrestling on the floor with a naked lady.
Berta: Well you're desperate.
Alan: Jake, we weren't wrestling, I just reached in to turn off the tap and she was startled. It was an honest mistake
Jake: But you admit, she was naked.
Alan: As I said, it was an honest mistake. So there's no need to tell your mother! Understand?
Jake: Yeah. I forgot you have to sign my math test.
Alan: Ok, D minus! Jake what am I gonna do with you?
Jake: Dunno.
Alan: Did you show this to your mother?
Jake: No.
Alan: Why not?
Jake: Cause I didn't catch her doing anything.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[after Charlie plays the first version of his Oshikuru jingle]
Jake: Your thing doesn't capture the mood at all, it just... blows!
Charlie: OK, OK, you said "blows" already.
Jake: Did I say "big baby chunks"?
Jake: Your thing doesn't capture the mood at all, it just... blows!
Charlie: OK, OK, you said "blows" already.
Jake: Did I say "big baby chunks"?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Oh, are you, uh, starting that book report already?
Jake: Just making notes.
Alan: Good for you! What do you have so far?
Jake: Lord of the Flies is kind of like Survivor, but with kids.
Alan: Huh! That's, uh... that's an interesting analogy! Uh, what's your favorite part?
Jake: Um... when the first kid gets voted off the island?
Jake: Just making notes.
Alan: Good for you! What do you have so far?
Jake: Lord of the Flies is kind of like Survivor, but with kids.
Alan: Huh! That's, uh... that's an interesting analogy! Uh, what's your favorite part?
Jake: Um... when the first kid gets voted off the island?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Ferrets?
Rose: Yeah, I have five of the toothy, little guys.
Alan: No-- no kidding. Five ferrets? Those are like, uh, long, furry rats, right?
Rose: Yup, and they're all named Charlie.
Rose: Yeah, I have five of the toothy, little guys.
Alan: No-- no kidding. Five ferrets? Those are like, uh, long, furry rats, right?
Rose: Yup, and they're all named Charlie.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: D-minus? Didn't you read the Cliff Notes?
Jake: That was fifty pages!
Charlie: Unbelievable. Your kid's too lazy to cheat.
Alan: Has it occurred to you that maybe he's too honest to cheat?
Jake: No, I'm lazy.
Jake: That was fifty pages!
Charlie: Unbelievable. Your kid's too lazy to cheat.
Alan: Has it occurred to you that maybe he's too honest to cheat?
Jake: No, I'm lazy.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men