Two and a Half Men Quotes
Alan: Incredible! I've been living here for two years, and you still consider me a houseguest.
Charlie: No, my houseguests bring a bottle of wine and have sex with me.
Alan: Oh, I'm sorry, I'll go get some Chardonnay and assume the position.
Charlie: Hey, don't be letting your mouth write checks your ass can't cash.
Charlie: No, my houseguests bring a bottle of wine and have sex with me.
Alan: Oh, I'm sorry, I'll go get some Chardonnay and assume the position.
Charlie: Hey, don't be letting your mouth write checks your ass can't cash.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: You know what the pecking order is in this house? Charlie, women Charlie sleeps with, Charlie's bookie, women Charlie hopes to sleep with, termites, me!
Berta: Well, that's just not right.
Alan: Yeah, but what am I supposed to do? I-I-I can't really afford my own place. I mean, I could, but it certainly wouldn't be on the beach, unless the beach was Guadalcanal.
Berta: It's a shame, you paying all that money for an ex-wife and an ex-wife's house, and you're not allowed inside either one.
Berta: Well, that's just not right.
Alan: Yeah, but what am I supposed to do? I-I-I can't really afford my own place. I mean, I could, but it certainly wouldn't be on the beach, unless the beach was Guadalcanal.
Berta: It's a shame, you paying all that money for an ex-wife and an ex-wife's house, and you're not allowed inside either one.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Oh, this looks interesting: "Two-bedroom, needs work, up-and-coming neighborhood." Wh-- what does that mean, uh, "up-and-coming neighborhood"?
Evelyn: It means the realtor couldn't move the house saying "drug-ravaged battlefield".
Evelyn: It means the realtor couldn't move the house saying "drug-ravaged battlefield".
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: You know, I-- I'd rather be a second-class citizen here in paradise than king of a urine-soaked firetrap next to Burbank Airport!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: I'm gonna tell you something that'll serve you well for your entire life.
Jake: Like when you're peeing outside, always face downwind?
Charlie: Better. By the way, what the hell were you thinking?
Jake: I was thinking, "Boy, I hope that's really warm rain."
Jake: Like when you're peeing outside, always face downwind?
Charlie: Better. By the way, what the hell were you thinking?
Jake: I was thinking, "Boy, I hope that's really warm rain."
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Say what you want about me, but at least I've never chosen to have women in my life who do nothing but mistreat me.
Berta[walking into the kitchen]: Hey, stud, I don't know what kind of sick, twisted party you had in your bedroom the last couple of days, but I sure as hell ain't cleaning it up! [leaves; Alan stares at Charlie]
Charlie: That is different. Way different.
Berta[walking into the kitchen]: Hey, stud, I don't know what kind of sick, twisted party you had in your bedroom the last couple of days, but I sure as hell ain't cleaning it up! [leaves; Alan stares at Charlie]
Charlie: That is different. Way different.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Are you aware that I'm a misogynist?
Evelyn: Really? I raised you Episcopalian.
Charlie: This isn't funny! My anger and mistrust towards women starts with you, which wasn't a problem until it spilled over into my sex life.
Evelyn: So, you're blaming Mummy because Little Charlie can't come out and play?
Charlie: OK, first of all, we don't call it "Little Charlie"!
Evelyn: What do we call it, darling?
Charlie: We don't call it anything!
Evelyn: Well, when you were a baby, we called it "Mr. Pinky".
Charlie: I may never have sex again.
Evelyn: Oh, wait a sec, Mr. Pinky was the cat. What did we call your penis?
Evelyn: Really? I raised you Episcopalian.
Charlie: This isn't funny! My anger and mistrust towards women starts with you, which wasn't a problem until it spilled over into my sex life.
Evelyn: So, you're blaming Mummy because Little Charlie can't come out and play?
Charlie: OK, first of all, we don't call it "Little Charlie"!
Evelyn: What do we call it, darling?
Charlie: We don't call it anything!
Evelyn: Well, when you were a baby, we called it "Mr. Pinky".
Charlie: I may never have sex again.
Evelyn: Oh, wait a sec, Mr. Pinky was the cat. What did we call your penis?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Jake made cupcakes for Alan and Charlie]
Alan: It's, uh, it's very tasty. What, uh, what prompted this?
Jake: I figured out I don't need a girlfriend. If I want a cupcake, I just make it myself.
Charlie: Taking matters into his own hands. The metaphor is now complete.
Jake: Anybody want to lick the beater?
Alan and Charlie: No.
Alan: It's, uh, it's very tasty. What, uh, what prompted this?
Jake: I figured out I don't need a girlfriend. If I want a cupcake, I just make it myself.
Charlie: Taking matters into his own hands. The metaphor is now complete.
Jake: Anybody want to lick the beater?
Alan and Charlie: No.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Isabella, I hate to be a fuddy-duddy, but we try to keep the house smoke-free.
Isabella: I'm sorry. [she puts her cigarette out in Jake's cereal] Charlie didn't say anything when I was smoking in bed last night.
Alan: Yeah, well, Charlie's lungs aren't always on the same page as his penis.
Isabella: I'm sorry. [she puts her cigarette out in Jake's cereal] Charlie didn't say anything when I was smoking in bed last night.
Alan: Yeah, well, Charlie's lungs aren't always on the same page as his penis.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan[on the phone]: I-- I don't think so, Mom. First of all, I-- I'm just not a big fan of costume parties. Yeah, Jake likes The Wizard of Oz, but I-- I just don't think he'd enjoy hanging out with a bunch of drunken real estate agents dressed like Judy Garland. [pause] Oh, OK, I'll get him. [to Charlie]: Mom wants to ask you something.
Charlie[on the phone]: Hi, Mom, no! [hangs up]
Charlie[on the phone]: Hi, Mom, no! [hangs up]
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Do you have any idea what Isabella is really into?
Charlie: So she's a little kinky!
Alan: No, no, no. "Kinky" is a feather duster up your butt. I think this woman tried to put a curse on me.
Charlie: Oh, please, who of us hasn't done that? To know you is to curse you.
Charlie: So she's a little kinky!
Alan: No, no, no. "Kinky" is a feather duster up your butt. I think this woman tried to put a curse on me.
Charlie: Oh, please, who of us hasn't done that? To know you is to curse you.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[After Charlie wakes up after a night in bed with Rose]
Charlie: What I need to do is find my passport and head for the border. What you have to do is tell Rose that I was drunk and I'm sorry and there's no need to hunt me down and glue my testicles to my thigh...again!
Berta: I'll tell you right now, you're swabbing on your own nail polish remover this time!
Charlie: That wasn't pleasant for either of us, Berta!
Charlie: What I need to do is find my passport and head for the border. What you have to do is tell Rose that I was drunk and I'm sorry and there's no need to hunt me down and glue my testicles to my thigh...again!
Berta: I'll tell you right now, you're swabbing on your own nail polish remover this time!
Charlie: That wasn't pleasant for either of us, Berta!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jake: Uncle Charlie?
Charlie: Yeah, buddy.
Jake: You know what'd be cool? If you and Rose got married.
Alan: Yeah, Charlie, that would be cool! I could be the best man, carry the ring for you and the medication for her. Do pharmacies have bridal registries? Hey, have-- have you guys talked about having kids? Are we gonna hear the pitter-patter of teeny-weeny, crazy-ass feet? [to Jake]: No, he's not gonna marry Rose.
Jake: Why not? He's already getting sex from her.
Charlie: Jake, Jake, the only reason Rose was in my bed is because she was too tired to go home.
Jake: Uncle Charlie, I'm an underachiever, not an idiot.
Charlie: Yeah, buddy.
Jake: You know what'd be cool? If you and Rose got married.
Alan: Yeah, Charlie, that would be cool! I could be the best man, carry the ring for you and the medication for her. Do pharmacies have bridal registries? Hey, have-- have you guys talked about having kids? Are we gonna hear the pitter-patter of teeny-weeny, crazy-ass feet? [to Jake]: No, he's not gonna marry Rose.
Jake: Why not? He's already getting sex from her.
Charlie: Jake, Jake, the only reason Rose was in my bed is because she was too tired to go home.
Jake: Uncle Charlie, I'm an underachiever, not an idiot.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Charlie opens the front door to find Evelyn using her cellphone]
Alan[on the phone]: Hello?
Evelyn: Alan! Oh, good, I'm glad you're home. [Alan turns around to see Evelyn at the door] Listen, uh, I'm in the neighborhood, and I know how Charlie hates it when I just drop in unannounced so I-- I thought I'd call first.
Alan: I'll let him know. [hangs up the phone] Charlie, Mom's coming over!
Charlie[looking straight at Evelyn]: Tell her I'm not here.
Alan[on the phone]: Hello?
Evelyn: Alan! Oh, good, I'm glad you're home. [Alan turns around to see Evelyn at the door] Listen, uh, I'm in the neighborhood, and I know how Charlie hates it when I just drop in unannounced so I-- I thought I'd call first.
Alan: I'll let him know. [hangs up the phone] Charlie, Mom's coming over!
Charlie[looking straight at Evelyn]: Tell her I'm not here.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Harvey: Well, you know, you do the best you can to raise them [children], and in the end, they drive down life's highway on their own.
Evelyn: Isn't that the truth? I think God gives us children so death won't come as such a disappointment.
Evelyn: Isn't that the truth? I think God gives us children so death won't come as such a disappointment.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Harvey's mother: Harvey, how many times have I told you not to leave an estate without telling me?
Harvey: Aw, mom...
Harvey's mother: Get in the car, we're going home.
Harvey: But mom, we're getting married!
Harvey's mother: To this trash? I don't think so.
Everlyn: Excuse me?
Charlie: Roll with it, Mom.
Harvey's mother: I'm counting to three, Harvey. One... Two...
Harvey: I'm going. I'm going.
Everlyn: Keep the robe.
Harvey: Thanks. I'm not wearing pants.
Harvey's mother: Harvey, do I have to put you on my knees?
Harvey: I'm going. I'm going.
Harvey's mother: He's really a good boy, but these things happen when you marry a first cousin.
Charlie: I'd say they're lucky to have thumbs.
Harvey: Aw, mom...
Harvey's mother: Get in the car, we're going home.
Harvey: But mom, we're getting married!
Harvey's mother: To this trash? I don't think so.
Everlyn: Excuse me?
Charlie: Roll with it, Mom.
Harvey's mother: I'm counting to three, Harvey. One... Two...
Harvey: I'm going. I'm going.
Everlyn: Keep the robe.
Harvey: Thanks. I'm not wearing pants.
Harvey's mother: Harvey, do I have to put you on my knees?
Harvey: I'm going. I'm going.
Harvey's mother: He's really a good boy, but these things happen when you marry a first cousin.
Charlie: I'd say they're lucky to have thumbs.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Look, if you knew me at all and shut me down, it would be one thing, but to be dismissed on a simple "hello", well, that's a tough pill to swallow.
Mia: Would you rather I give it to you in a suppository?
Charlie: Well, to be perfectly honest...
Mia: Good-bye. [leaves]
Alan: Hey, hey, did you hear that?
Charlie: What?
Alan: It's a... it's a fat lady, and she's... singing.
Charlie: You'd give up right now, wouldn't you?
Alan: Charlie, Elvis has left the building! I mean, giving up is a little moot at this point.
Charlie: Yeah, well, that kind of attitude is why you sleep alone with a copy of Monster Boobs magazine under your pillow.
Alan: Stay out of my room.
Mia: Would you rather I give it to you in a suppository?
Charlie: Well, to be perfectly honest...
Mia: Good-bye. [leaves]
Alan: Hey, hey, did you hear that?
Charlie: What?
Alan: It's a... it's a fat lady, and she's... singing.
Charlie: You'd give up right now, wouldn't you?
Alan: Charlie, Elvis has left the building! I mean, giving up is a little moot at this point.
Charlie: Yeah, well, that kind of attitude is why you sleep alone with a copy of Monster Boobs magazine under your pillow.
Alan: Stay out of my room.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Just 'cause you're reading a dance magazine doesn't make you a dancer.
Berta: Why not? You're a monster boob.
Alan: Will you both stay out of my room?!
Berta: Why not? You're a monster boob.
Alan: Will you both stay out of my room?!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: And you, wh-- why do you enable this behavior?
Berta: Why? I'll tell you why. Because your brother is the embodiment of the can-do, roll-up-your-sleeves spirit that made this country great. He never gets discouraged, he goes after what he wants, and he doesn't know the meaning of the word "quit". And if the day should come when any man, no matter how humble, can't go out there and soil the loins of some hot little dancer, well, I don't want to live in that America. [starts singing "America the Beautiful"]
Berta: Why? I'll tell you why. Because your brother is the embodiment of the can-do, roll-up-your-sleeves spirit that made this country great. He never gets discouraged, he goes after what he wants, and he doesn't know the meaning of the word "quit". And if the day should come when any man, no matter how humble, can't go out there and soil the loins of some hot little dancer, well, I don't want to live in that America. [starts singing "America the Beautiful"]
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Mia: OK, let's start first position. Jake, do you know first position?
Jake: Is that like missionary position?
Jake: Is that like missionary position?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Mia: Your uncle and I would like to spend some alone time together.
Jake: Oh... all right.
Charlie: You want me to tuck you in?
Jake: I'm too old to get tucked in, you... you ass-face!
Jake: Oh... all right.
Charlie: You want me to tuck you in?
Jake: I'm too old to get tucked in, you... you ass-face!
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Norma: Are you related to that dreadful Charlie?
Alan: My mother says I am, but frankly, I have my doubts I'm related to her.
Norma: Well, Alan, uh, there's a little red sports car blocking my driveway. I assume it belongs to one of your brother's "hooers."
Alan: One of his what?
Norma: Hooers. Ever since he moved in here, it's been one endless parade of hooers.
Alan: Oh, whores! Uh, well, in all fairness, most of them don't have the math skills to be whores.
Alan: My mother says I am, but frankly, I have my doubts I'm related to her.
Norma: Well, Alan, uh, there's a little red sports car blocking my driveway. I assume it belongs to one of your brother's "hooers."
Alan: One of his what?
Norma: Hooers. Ever since he moved in here, it's been one endless parade of hooers.
Alan: Oh, whores! Uh, well, in all fairness, most of them don't have the math skills to be whores.
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Charlie: What is that old witch doing here?
Alan: Old witch? She's a charming woman!
Charlie: Of course she's charming. They're all charming. That's how they lure you into their houses made out of candy and gingerbread.
Alan: Old witch? She's a charming woman!
Charlie: Of course she's charming. They're all charming. That's how they lure you into their houses made out of candy and gingerbread.
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Charlie: Why are you dating a woman who most likely lost her virginity during World War II? And knowing her, probably not to one of our guys.
Alan: OK, first of all, we're not dating. I am escorting her to a charity event. And second of all, her age is irrelevant. The only thing that matters is what inside a person.
Charlie: Yeah, well, the only thing inside her is dust and undigested mastodon meat.
Alan: She isn't that old, Charlie.
Charlie: Oh, come on, I bet she was an eyewitness to the birth of agriculture.
Alan: Stop it!
Charlie: Her high school graduation picture is probably on a cave wall in France.
Alan: OK, first of all, we're not dating. I am escorting her to a charity event. And second of all, her age is irrelevant. The only thing that matters is what inside a person.
Charlie: Yeah, well, the only thing inside her is dust and undigested mastodon meat.
Alan: She isn't that old, Charlie.
Charlie: Oh, come on, I bet she was an eyewitness to the birth of agriculture.
Alan: Stop it!
Charlie: Her high school graduation picture is probably on a cave wall in France.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Hey, If you got her [Norma] pregnant, we can get a full page in Ripley's.
Alan: Give it a rest, Charlie.
Charlie: Oh, come on, I've been working on these all morning! Listen to this: "Her first car was a chariot." "She called her first husband Hun, 'cause he was one!" "Her first Christmaswas the first Christmas." "Likes to take long walks on the beach after crawling out of the ocean and growing legs." "Her birthstone was lava." And finally, "The Big Bang"! I don't have a joke for that but I know there's something there!
Alan: Give it a rest, Charlie.
Charlie: Oh, come on, I've been working on these all morning! Listen to this: "Her first car was a chariot." "She called her first husband Hun, 'cause he was one!" "Her first Christmaswas the first Christmas." "Likes to take long walks on the beach after crawling out of the ocean and growing legs." "Her birthstone was lava." And finally, "The Big Bang"! I don't have a joke for that but I know there's something there!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Alan shows everyone the advance copy of a newspaper with him on the front page]
Charlie: "Good doctor, good neighbor, good guy."
Evelyn: Good God.
Jake: Hey, Dad, you're famous!
Alan: Uh, well, not really. Well, among the readers of the Tarzana PennySaver, maybe a little.
Charlie: Don't forget the homeless people who make underpants out of it.
Evelyn: Charlie, don't be disrespectful.
Alan: Thank you, Mom.
Evelyn: So how much advertising did you have to buy in exchange for this puff piece?
Charlie: "Good doctor, good neighbor, good guy."
Evelyn: Good God.
Jake: Hey, Dad, you're famous!
Alan: Uh, well, not really. Well, among the readers of the Tarzana PennySaver, maybe a little.
Charlie: Don't forget the homeless people who make underpants out of it.
Evelyn: Charlie, don't be disrespectful.
Alan: Thank you, Mom.
Evelyn: So how much advertising did you have to buy in exchange for this puff piece?
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[Alan is drunk]
Jake: Boy, you're really plowed, aren't you?
Alan: No, your daddy doesn't get "plowed". He just gets a little "bzzz". Bzzz.
Jake: Boy, you're really plowed, aren't you?
Alan: No, your daddy doesn't get "plowed". He just gets a little "bzzz". Bzzz.
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Alan: Why can't my mother appreciate me? All I wanted was one sincere "attaboy". Is that too much to ask?
[in the bathroom, Alan is vomiting in the toilet]
Charlie: Attaboy!
[in the bathroom, Alan is vomiting in the toilet]
Charlie: Attaboy!
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Charlie: You were conditioned as a child to seek Mom's approval. You're still seeking Mom's approval, and you make every woman in the world a substitute Mom.
Alan: But what about you? We had the same mother.
Charlie: Well, I handle my conditioning in a different way. I have casual and often degrading sex with my substitute Moms, but we're talking about you and not me so forget I said that.
Alan: Oh, how I'll try.
Alan: But what about you? We had the same mother.
Charlie: Well, I handle my conditioning in a different way. I have casual and often degrading sex with my substitute Moms, but we're talking about you and not me so forget I said that.
Alan: Oh, how I'll try.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men