Two and a Half Men Quotes
Female Bartender: Would you like some more pretzels?
Charlie: Well, I am in the mood for something salty and twisted.
Charlie: Well, I am in the mood for something salty and twisted.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Wait a minute, that's your big secret? Alcohol?
Charlie: Shhh. Don't tell anybody.
Alan: But isn't that just a temporary solution.
Charlie: It's only temporary if you stop drinking.
Alan: I like it.
Charlie: Shhh. Don't tell anybody.
Alan: But isn't that just a temporary solution.
Charlie: It's only temporary if you stop drinking.
Alan: I like it.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: You see, Sandy, it's sort of a family tradition. Every year our mom invites us over for Christmas even though she doesn't want us to come, and we say yes even we don't want to go. Then when we don't show up, even though she's secretly relieved, she gets to complain about what horrible children she has to all of her friends. It's the perfect gift.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan[referring to his new girlfriend Sandy]: Huh? Huh? Beauty, sex, cooking, laundry?
Charlie: Marriage, boredom, alimony, death?
Charlie: Marriage, boredom, alimony, death?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: You lucky dog!
Alan: What? I'm not going in there, she's nuts!
Charlie: Yeah, so? Sex with crazy chicks is great! Just make sure you pick positions where you can see what her hands are doing.
Alan: No, no, that would be taking advantage of a... a mentally unbalanced person.
Charlie: Oh, Alan, that boat has sailed! May as well hop on board for a farewell cruise!
Alan: What? I'm not going in there, she's nuts!
Charlie: Yeah, so? Sex with crazy chicks is great! Just make sure you pick positions where you can see what her hands are doing.
Alan: No, no, that would be taking advantage of a... a mentally unbalanced person.
Charlie: Oh, Alan, that boat has sailed! May as well hop on board for a farewell cruise!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: I don't have a lot of faith in psychiatry as a science. I think some of the drugs you're pushing are interesting, and I'm all for messing around with brain chemistry. I mean, that's how I got through high school. But in my experience, popping pills doesn't relieve social anxiety quite as well as, say, bourbon and Marvin Gaye.
Dr. Freeman: Now I get it. You're desperate, and I'm full of hooey. So in the words of Marvin Gaye, "What's goin' on?"
Charlie: Everything I say is confidential, right?
Dr. Freeman: Whatever you say stays in this room.
Charlie: Kind of like Vegas.
Dr. Freeman: Well, except there's no way you're leaving here with more money than when you came in.
Charlie: Yeah, like Vegas.
Dr. Freeman: Now I get it. You're desperate, and I'm full of hooey. So in the words of Marvin Gaye, "What's goin' on?"
Charlie: Everything I say is confidential, right?
Dr. Freeman: Whatever you say stays in this room.
Charlie: Kind of like Vegas.
Dr. Freeman: Well, except there's no way you're leaving here with more money than when you came in.
Charlie: Yeah, like Vegas.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: So, uh, how long till the movie starts?
Charlie: Uh, about twenty minutes.
Alan: Yeah, sure, twenty minutes, not counting previews and ads, the popcorn and the giant pretzel holding hands, the-- the, the big soda drinking the little soda which, frankly is cannibalism, and the always-welcome reminder to turn off your cell phones and shut up but nobody ever does because, let's face it, good manners are just the latest casualty in the ongoing collapse of Western civilization.
Charlie: Uh, about twenty minutes.
Alan: Yeah, sure, twenty minutes, not counting previews and ads, the popcorn and the giant pretzel holding hands, the-- the, the big soda drinking the little soda which, frankly is cannibalism, and the always-welcome reminder to turn off your cell phones and shut up but nobody ever does because, let's face it, good manners are just the latest casualty in the ongoing collapse of Western civilization.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[at the movie theater]
Charlie: Alan, you need to be quiet.
Alan: Why? The First Amendment gives me the right to yell "Goobers" in a crowded theater! GOOBERS!
Charlie: Alan, you need to be quiet.
Alan: Why? The First Amendment gives me the right to yell "Goobers" in a crowded theater! GOOBERS!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Uh, uh, "Debra Winger and Richard Gere starred in An Officer and a 'blank'." Oh, please!
Charlie: You need a hint? There's a hint upside down in the corner.
Alan: No, I don't need a hint! Eh, eh, I know the answer! Everybody here knows the ans-- everybody on the planet knows the answer! We're not stupid!
Charlie: Ch-- chill, chill.
Alan: Oh, oh, wait, oh, here's another brain teaser: Uh, uh, "Steven Spielberg directed this modern retelling of the H. G. Wells classic, War of the 'blank'." Uh, uh, "Couch!" War of the Couch!
Charlie[whispering]: Stop it!
Alan[yelling]: Oh, wait, no, no, I-- I got it! War of the BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS!
Charlie: You know what? You know, maybe you're right. Maybe we should go. [they start leaving]
Alan: No, wait, no, I know this one: Uh, "Johnny Depp cruised to success in this comedy-action film inspired by a Disneyland attraction." Pirates of the BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS!
Charlie[to another theater patron]: He's-- he's behind on his reading.
Alan: Oh, oh, and-- and, let's not forget-- uh, uh, Judy Garland in that immortal classic, The Wizard of BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS!
Charlie: You need a hint? There's a hint upside down in the corner.
Alan: No, I don't need a hint! Eh, eh, I know the answer! Everybody here knows the ans-- everybody on the planet knows the answer! We're not stupid!
Charlie: Ch-- chill, chill.
Alan: Oh, oh, wait, oh, here's another brain teaser: Uh, uh, "Steven Spielberg directed this modern retelling of the H. G. Wells classic, War of the 'blank'." Uh, uh, "Couch!" War of the Couch!
Charlie[whispering]: Stop it!
Alan[yelling]: Oh, wait, no, no, I-- I got it! War of the BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS!
Charlie: You know what? You know, maybe you're right. Maybe we should go. [they start leaving]
Alan: No, wait, no, I know this one: Uh, "Johnny Depp cruised to success in this comedy-action film inspired by a Disneyland attraction." Pirates of the BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS!
Charlie[to another theater patron]: He's-- he's behind on his reading.
Alan: Oh, oh, and-- and, let's not forget-- uh, uh, Judy Garland in that immortal classic, The Wizard of BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[the two women Charlie brought home are skinny dipping in the ocean]
Alan: Have you no shame?!
Charlie: Let me think. Nope, just a tug.
Alan: Now that's another thing! My angst is real. I-- I do not appreciate you taking my tug and using it to get in someone's pants.
Charlie: News flash, Alan: they're already out of their pants!
Alan: Have you no shame?!
Charlie: Let me think. Nope, just a tug.
Alan: Now that's another thing! My angst is real. I-- I do not appreciate you taking my tug and using it to get in someone's pants.
Charlie: News flash, Alan: they're already out of their pants!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Looks to be a beautiful day. Slightly overcast, but that should burn off in a few hours, leaving us with another sun-dappled afternoon in paradise.
Berta: You still drunk from last night, or did you get a fresh buzz this morning?
Charlie: No, ma'am, I am quite simply high on life.
Berta[to Alan]: Blotto.
Berta: You still drunk from last night, or did you get a fresh buzz this morning?
Charlie: No, ma'am, I am quite simply high on life.
Berta[to Alan]: Blotto.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: I think I might be in love with Mia.
Alan: Big deal. You've always been in love with you-a.
Alan: Big deal. You've always been in love with you-a.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: I've just been seeing this ballet dancer, and I think she might be the one.
Evelyn[to Alan]: Drunk?
Alan: He says no.
Berta: I think it might be one of those designer drugs. Charlie? [slowly]: What did you take?
Charlie: I'm serious. We've been seeing each other for over a month, and we're waiting to sleep together until our relationship has a solid foundation.
Evelyn: Well, we can rule out ecstasy. That's a powerful aphrodisiac. I've heard.
Jake: Nowadays, we're supposed to say "African-American-disiac".
Evelyn[to Alan]: Drunk?
Alan: He says no.
Berta: I think it might be one of those designer drugs. Charlie? [slowly]: What did you take?
Charlie: I'm serious. We've been seeing each other for over a month, and we're waiting to sleep together until our relationship has a solid foundation.
Evelyn: Well, we can rule out ecstasy. That's a powerful aphrodisiac. I've heard.
Jake: Nowadays, we're supposed to say "African-American-disiac".
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Hey, listen, about this "living without sex" thing, I was hoping you can give me a little advice.
Alan: Me? What would make you think of me?
Charlie: Well, I figured you get laid less often than a boil-covered dwarf, am I right?
Alan: I don't have the actual statistics, but go on.
Charlie: Well, you must get really frustrated. I mean, how do you stop yourself from, you know, running a red light and then taunting the cop 'til he shoots you?
Alan: Ah, good question. Uh, I found that the best thing to do is to focus on your career, uh, get a hobby, uh, become involved in community activities, and at the end of the day, if you have any energy left, find a quiet space and yank it like a monkey in a mango tree.
Alan: Me? What would make you think of me?
Charlie: Well, I figured you get laid less often than a boil-covered dwarf, am I right?
Alan: I don't have the actual statistics, but go on.
Charlie: Well, you must get really frustrated. I mean, how do you stop yourself from, you know, running a red light and then taunting the cop 'til he shoots you?
Alan: Ah, good question. Uh, I found that the best thing to do is to focus on your career, uh, get a hobby, uh, become involved in community activities, and at the end of the day, if you have any energy left, find a quiet space and yank it like a monkey in a mango tree.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: You know, on a counter-programming note, the Lakers are playing Miami tonight.
Mia: Would you rather watch that?
Charlie: No, no, this is fine. Of course, I don't have a $500 bet down on the ballet.
Mia: Would you rather watch that?
Charlie: No, no, this is fine. Of course, I don't have a $500 bet down on the ballet.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Mia: You wanna go upstairs?
Charlie: Not right now.
Mia: Oh, please don't tell me you got somebody in your room?
Charlie: Not right now.
Mia: Oh, please don't tell me you got somebody in your room?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Mia: The fancy beach house works with a lot of women, doesn't it?
Charlie: Honestly, it's like a G-spot with two mortgages.
Mia: Well, just so you know, I'm nogjt with you for your house or your money.
Charlie: So it's the car.
Mia: Why would I care about your car?
Charlie: It's an $80,000 Mercedes.
Mia: Yeah, so what does it do that other cars don't do?
Charlie: It costs $80,000!
Charlie: Honestly, it's like a G-spot with two mortgages.
Mia: Well, just so you know, I'm nogjt with you for your house or your money.
Charlie: So it's the car.
Mia: Why would I care about your car?
Charlie: It's an $80,000 Mercedes.
Mia: Yeah, so what does it do that other cars don't do?
Charlie: It costs $80,000!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Uh, well, Kandi... it's like this: Charlie's with another woman.
Kandi: Don't lie to me, Alan.
Alan: OK, uh... he's in... Africa working as a scrub nurse for Doctors Without Borders.
Kandi: Story of my life!
Kandi: Don't lie to me, Alan.
Alan: OK, uh... he's in... Africa working as a scrub nurse for Doctors Without Borders.
Kandi: Story of my life!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Kandi, dressed as a Catholic schoolgirl, meets Jake and Judith for the first time]
Kandi: You must be Jake.
Jake: Uh-huh.
Kandi[to Judith]: And you must be Jake's grandma.
Kandi: You must be Jake.
Jake: Uh-huh.
Kandi[to Judith]: And you must be Jake's grandma.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Judith[to Charlie]: I suppose you're the one who introduced Alan to that slutty little--
Charlie: Don't say it, Judith; you'll just be demeaning all women. And yes.
Judith: Figures. Well, I don't want her [Kandi] around my son.
Alan: Oh, oh, oh, really? So, do I get to screen the men that you're dating? And let's not forget, I know about that guy who delivered the truckload of sod.
Judith: What about him?
Alan: [scoffs] It doesn't take two months to put down a new lawn, Judith.
Charlie: Sounds like she got laid before the sod did.
Charlie: Don't say it, Judith; you'll just be demeaning all women. And yes.
Judith: Figures. Well, I don't want her [Kandi] around my son.
Alan: Oh, oh, oh, really? So, do I get to screen the men that you're dating? And let's not forget, I know about that guy who delivered the truckload of sod.
Judith: What about him?
Alan: [scoffs] It doesn't take two months to put down a new lawn, Judith.
Charlie: Sounds like she got laid before the sod did.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: See, the thing for me was that I-- I never should have gotten married. I-- I was young, I didn't know who I was, and to be completely honest, I was just afraid of being alone.
Kandi: Wow. Can I share something with you?
Alan: Uh, yes, please, this is... uh, communicating. This is how we connect.
Kandi: You shouldn't tell people that stuff. It makes you sound like a loser.
Alan: No, it makes me sound like a real human being, a-- a person with feelings and flaws.
Kandi: [makes the "loser" hand gesture]
Kandi: Wow. Can I share something with you?
Alan: Uh, yes, please, this is... uh, communicating. This is how we connect.
Kandi: You shouldn't tell people that stuff. It makes you sound like a loser.
Alan: No, it makes me sound like a real human being, a-- a person with feelings and flaws.
Kandi: [makes the "loser" hand gesture]
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Berta: This is a sad, sad day. I always figured you'd be the last guy in the world to end up whipped.
Charlie: I am not whipped. I'm... considerate.
Berta: Considerate.
Charlie: Yeah. See, I love Mia, and I want her to be happy. And I happen to know she's not happy when I smoke cigars and drink and gamble and stay out all night and... eat meat and sugar and grease and fat and... nap and swear and wear shorts and bowling shirts...
Berta: Oh, Charlie, you ain't just whipped. You're roped, saddled, and gelded. They could use you to give rides at kids' birthday parties.
Charlie: I am not whipped. I'm... considerate.
Berta: Considerate.
Charlie: Yeah. See, I love Mia, and I want her to be happy. And I happen to know she's not happy when I smoke cigars and drink and gamble and stay out all night and... eat meat and sugar and grease and fat and... nap and swear and wear shorts and bowling shirts...
Berta: Oh, Charlie, you ain't just whipped. You're roped, saddled, and gelded. They could use you to give rides at kids' birthday parties.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Charlie sprays breath spray in his mouth to try to conceal the stench of cigars and booze from Mia]
Berta: That ain't gonna do it, Alice.
Charlie: What?
Berta: You smell like a beer bottle that just fell out of Joe Camel's ass.
Charlie: Well, what am I supposed to do?
Berta: Um, hang on, let's see if I got anything in here that might mask that stench. Oven cleaner? No. Ty-D-Bol? No. How do you feel about taking a whore's bath with a hunk of blue cheese?
Berta: That ain't gonna do it, Alice.
Charlie: What?
Berta: You smell like a beer bottle that just fell out of Joe Camel's ass.
Charlie: Well, what am I supposed to do?
Berta: Um, hang on, let's see if I got anything in here that might mask that stench. Oven cleaner? No. Ty-D-Bol? No. How do you feel about taking a whore's bath with a hunk of blue cheese?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: And did she [Evelyn] or did she not say that I'm a lazy-ass schlock jingle writer who wasted thirteen years of piano lessons that she paid for by marrying a series of men with large wallets and small penises?
Mia: Yes, that was mentioned. But it's only natural for someone who loves you to want to see you live up to your potential. I mean, do you really want to be known as the guy who writes songs about adult diapers?
Charlie: Hey, it's better than being known as the guy who wears them.
Mia: Yes, that was mentioned. But it's only natural for someone who loves you to want to see you live up to your potential. I mean, do you really want to be known as the guy who writes songs about adult diapers?
Charlie: Hey, it's better than being known as the guy who wears them.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[everyone at the vegetarian restaurant is staring at Charlie and Mia]
Charlie: Well, good! Maybe now you know how I feel, sitting in a restaurant eating medallions of bean curd with lawnmower sauce! Am I right? No man should have to eat anything with the word "curd" in it!
Mia: You know, you're turning into a real ass here!
Charlie: Well, then, I'm finally living up to my potential. [Mia leaves] I'm a big ol' bourbon-soaked, cigar-humping ass, as God in His infinite wisdom meant me to be. As He meant all men to be! [one person claps but everyone else is silent] You guys are disappointing God.
Charlie: Well, good! Maybe now you know how I feel, sitting in a restaurant eating medallions of bean curd with lawnmower sauce! Am I right? No man should have to eat anything with the word "curd" in it!
Mia: You know, you're turning into a real ass here!
Charlie: Well, then, I'm finally living up to my potential. [Mia leaves] I'm a big ol' bourbon-soaked, cigar-humping ass, as God in His infinite wisdom meant me to be. As He meant all men to be! [one person claps but everyone else is silent] You guys are disappointing God.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Hey, here's a fun fact. You're sleeping with a girl who was born when you were in junior high, and yet there's a good chance she lost her virginity before you did.
[Alan scoffs, shakes his head, and then starts to do the math in his head]
Charlie: And here's another fun fact. I'll bet she's had sex with more girls than you too.
Alan: [scoffs again, and again does the math and smiles] That is a fun fact!
[Alan scoffs, shakes his head, and then starts to do the math in his head]
Charlie: And here's another fun fact. I'll bet she's had sex with more girls than you too.
Alan: [scoffs again, and again does the math and smiles] That is a fun fact!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: You're kidding, Rose has a boyfriend?
Charlie: Yep.
Alan: A real one or like Toby the astronaut?
Charlie: Yep.
Alan: A real one or like Toby the astronaut?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Uh, well... uh, uh, you see Jake, um... In the Old West, uh, uh... cowboys, uh, could be out on the-- the dusty range... uh, uh, for months... at a time, and, uh, they get mighty dirty. Um, so they'd, uh, they'd, uh, mosey into town, uh, with nothing but the-- the clothes on their backs, uh, and th-- they'd need to, to, to wash them. So what-- what they'd do is, uh, they-- they would go down to the-- the, the... "crick", uh, and, uh, strip down until they were wearing, uh, nothing but their boots.
Charlie: Why'd they keep their boots on?
Alan: Rattlesnakes. [to Jake]: Uh, anyway, um, in order to... to, to warn, uh, people who were swimming that, you know, a-- a naked... cowboy was, uh, on his way, he would yell, or, uh, or, if you will, uh, call, uh, "Booty! Booty!" Ergo, the "booty call".
Kandi: Wow. Alan, you really make history fun.
Alan: Well, thank you.
Kandi: So when did it start meaning casual sex?
Charlie: Why'd they keep their boots on?
Alan: Rattlesnakes. [to Jake]: Uh, anyway, um, in order to... to, to warn, uh, people who were swimming that, you know, a-- a naked... cowboy was, uh, on his way, he would yell, or, uh, or, if you will, uh, call, uh, "Booty! Booty!" Ergo, the "booty call".
Kandi: Wow. Alan, you really make history fun.
Alan: Well, thank you.
Kandi: So when did it start meaning casual sex?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Alan and Kandi are getting married, and Charlie and Mia have just broken up because Mia wants Alan and Jake to move out.]
Charlie: I don't freakin' believe it.
Alan: Cheer up, Charlie. You're finally getting what you always wanted. I'm moving out of your house!
Charlie: I don't freakin' believe it!
Charlie: I don't freakin' believe it.
Alan: Cheer up, Charlie. You're finally getting what you always wanted. I'm moving out of your house!
Charlie: I don't freakin' believe it!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men