You Can't Do That on Television Quotes
Alasdair: There you are.
Lisa: Alasdair what's wrong?
Alasdair: Stephanie took my wallet.
Lisa: How could she do something like that? She's so cute.
Alasdair: Oh yeah. [Aladsair takes his wallet out of Stephanie's pocket]
Alasdair: Ah-Ha! This proves that Stephanie took my wallet.
Lisa: And my watch? Stephanie!
Lisa: Alasdair what's wrong?
Alasdair: Stephanie took my wallet.
Lisa: How could she do something like that? She's so cute.
Alasdair: Oh yeah. [Aladsair takes his wallet out of Stephanie's pocket]
Alasdair: Ah-Ha! This proves that Stephanie took my wallet.
Lisa: And my watch? Stephanie!
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Alasdair: Hay Vanessa?
Vanessa: Yeah Alasdair?
Alasdair: Teddy Roosevelt was a famous sportsman, and Ernest Hemingway was a famous hunter. Can you name a famous camper?
Vanessa: Yeah, my parent's Winnebago.
Lisa: [Pops out of her locker] You know, how can you let Vanessa answer any more of these questions? Her jokes are terrible.
Vanessa: I wouldn't talk, Lisa.
Christine: [Pops out of her locker] That's all she can do. [Goes back in]
Vanessa: Yeah Alasdair?
Alasdair: Teddy Roosevelt was a famous sportsman, and Ernest Hemingway was a famous hunter. Can you name a famous camper?
Vanessa: Yeah, my parent's Winnebago.
Lisa: [Pops out of her locker] You know, how can you let Vanessa answer any more of these questions? Her jokes are terrible.
Vanessa: I wouldn't talk, Lisa.
Christine: [Pops out of her locker] That's all she can do. [Goes back in]
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Alasdair: Hey Todd, did you ever buy that five-foot, 100-pound robot at the electronics store at the mall you said you were going to?
Todd: Yeah, I bought that crummy thing. Boy, did I get ripped off! 20 bucks right down the drain!
Alasdair: You payed only $20 for it and you think you got ripped off. What's the problem? Is there something wrong with it or...
Todd: No, it's not broke or anything like that. It's just that the Double A batteries that are needed to power the stupid thing weren't included.
Alasdair: Double A batteries? Why you can buy a whole pack of 20 of them down at the hardware store for only four or five bucks a piece. That shouldn't be a problem.
Todd: When it takes 368 batteries to power it?
Alasdair: Ah... now that's a problem.
Todd: Yeah, I bought that crummy thing. Boy, did I get ripped off! 20 bucks right down the drain!
Alasdair: You payed only $20 for it and you think you got ripped off. What's the problem? Is there something wrong with it or...
Todd: No, it's not broke or anything like that. It's just that the Double A batteries that are needed to power the stupid thing weren't included.
Alasdair: Double A batteries? Why you can buy a whole pack of 20 of them down at the hardware store for only four or five bucks a piece. That shouldn't be a problem.
Todd: When it takes 368 batteries to power it?
Alasdair: Ah... now that's a problem.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Lisa: Barth, I always wanted to ask you this, but were you ever married?
Barth: As a matter of fact, yes. 14 years ago, I was married for three wonderful days and then she left me.
Christine: After only three days? Why?
Barth: She told the judge at our divorce proceedings that living with me was physical cruelty.
Lisa: You hit her?
Barth: No, I never hit her. I cooked for her. [Barth then serves Christine and Lisa two plates of gross-looking food and walks away]
Lisa: Uh! Now I know why his wife would leave him.
Christine: I'm suprised she lasted three days.
Barth: As a matter of fact, yes. 14 years ago, I was married for three wonderful days and then she left me.
Christine: After only three days? Why?
Barth: She told the judge at our divorce proceedings that living with me was physical cruelty.
Lisa: You hit her?
Barth: No, I never hit her. I cooked for her. [Barth then serves Christine and Lisa two plates of gross-looking food and walks away]
Lisa: Uh! Now I know why his wife would leave him.
Christine: I'm suprised she lasted three days.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Matthew: Hi and welcome to You Can't Do That On Television. Today's show is about Enemies and Paranoia.
Adam: Matthew what's paranoia?
Ross: The Russians is coming. THE RUSSIANS IS COMING!
Matthew: That's extreme paranoia; not to mention bad grammar.
Adam: Matthew what's paranoia?
Ross: The Russians is coming. THE RUSSIANS IS COMING!
Matthew: That's extreme paranoia; not to mention bad grammar.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Mr. Shidler: Attention, can anyone tell me what the three 'B's are? [Underlines an upper-case B on the blackboard. Brodie raises his hand]
Mr. Shidler: Brodie?
Brodie: The Boss, the Beatles, and the Beach Boys.
Lisa: No. It's Black Sabbath, the Blue Oyster Cult, and the B52s. Yeah.
Justin: No no no. How classless of you two. Everyone knows that the three 'B's are Beethoven, Bach, and Brahms.
Mr. Shidler: Wrong! You're all wrong. The three 'B's are the worker, the drone and the queen 'bee'. [Draws two small 'e's next to the 'B']
Mr. Shidler: This is a science class. You forgot. you kids have nothing but music on your minds. [They all start humming, and Mr. Shidler joins in]
Mr. Shidler: Brodie?
Brodie: The Boss, the Beatles, and the Beach Boys.
Lisa: No. It's Black Sabbath, the Blue Oyster Cult, and the B52s. Yeah.
Justin: No no no. How classless of you two. Everyone knows that the three 'B's are Beethoven, Bach, and Brahms.
Mr. Shidler: Wrong! You're all wrong. The three 'B's are the worker, the drone and the queen 'bee'. [Draws two small 'e's next to the 'B']
Mr. Shidler: This is a science class. You forgot. you kids have nothing but music on your minds. [They all start humming, and Mr. Shidler joins in]
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Kid: Wait a minute, wait a minute, stop the execution!
El Capitano: What is it this time?!
El Capitano: What is it this time?!
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
[Kevin Schenk walks up to Angie and pulls her string.]
Angie: Hello, I'm Angie the Talking Doll.
Kevin: Angie, how do I stop smoking?
Angie: Where there's smoke, there's fire.
[Angie dumps a bucket of water over Kevin's head.]
Angie: Hello, I'm Angie the Talking Doll.
Kevin: Angie, how do I stop smoking?
Angie: Where there's smoke, there's fire.
[Angie dumps a bucket of water over Kevin's head.]
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Christine: Some people have asked us, "Why doesn't anyone in the studio laugh at our jokes, like on other comedy shows?" Well, the truth is, they're not really laughing on other comedy shows. What you're hearing is canned laughter, like this. [A few seconds of a canned laugh track plays.] They put that on there to try to make you laugh, in case you don't laugh at their jokes. We, however, do not do this. [Dramatic music begins to play in the background as Christine speaks.] We believe comedy should stand on its own! We have faith in the discernment, intelligence and good taste of you, our viewing audience! -- And also, canned laughter costs a lot; we can't afford it. [The dramatic music abruptly ends. Ironically, despite Christine's badmouthing of canned laughter in this sketch, canned laughter would become part of the spinoff "Whatever Turns You On" a few months later, and of "YCDTOTV" itself by 1982.]
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Bradfield: Dad, what's the definition of "ignorance and apathy"?
Senator Prevert: I don't know, and I don't give a sh-... care.
Senator Prevert: I don't know, and I don't give a sh-... care.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
[Mr. Schidtler is returning test papers]
Sarah: Hey Moose, I think he likes me!
Christine: What makes you say that?
Sarah: Well, he put all these kisses on my paper!
[Sarah shows Christine her test paper covered with red "X"'s]
Christine: She's so naive.
Sarah: Hey Moose, I think he likes me!
Christine: What makes you say that?
Sarah: Well, he put all these kisses on my paper!
[Sarah shows Christine her test paper covered with red "X"'s]
Christine: She's so naive.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Jim: Sir, is is true that when we're in school, the teachers take the place of our parents?
Mr. Schidtler: That's right. You see, Stechyson, when you are in school, I am in loco parentis, just like your father.
Jim: GOOD! [stands up and begins yelling] I'M GOIN' OUT! AND DON'T ASK ME WHERE I'M GOIN', DON'T ASK ME WHAT TIME I'LL BE BACK, AND WHEN I DO GET BACK, HAVE SUPPER READY ON THE TABLE! IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?!!! [storms out of the classroom]
Mr. Schidtler: [puzzled] ...Was it something I said?
Mr. Schidtler: That's right. You see, Stechyson, when you are in school, I am in loco parentis, just like your father.
Jim: GOOD! [stands up and begins yelling] I'M GOIN' OUT! AND DON'T ASK ME WHERE I'M GOIN', DON'T ASK ME WHAT TIME I'LL BE BACK, AND WHEN I DO GET BACK, HAVE SUPPER READY ON THE TABLE! IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?!!! [storms out of the classroom]
Mr. Schidtler: [puzzled] ...Was it something I said?
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
a blooper from the original live and local version of this episode, as aired in 1981 on CJOH:
Kevin Kubusheskie: So, come on down to Camp Fortune, because... (gets blank look on his face, and turns to Moose) ...because???
Christine: (still walking around the link set carrying her "On Strike" sign) Listen, I'm not gonna tell ya they have to answer the question, all right?
Kevin K.: Oh yeah, and answer a simple question. ... What is it, Rod?
Rodney: Well, the question is, "What is the name of our floor director"?
Christine: HEY! Hey, I know that one! Yeah, I know, I know!
Ross: No, wait a minute, you can't play, because you're on strike! Heh heh!
Christine: Aw...
Kevin Schenk: Anyway, if you see our Mystery Skiier, all you have to do is come down to Camp Fortune, and find out what Ross's name is. (realizes what he has just said) Ross? ... Aww....
Christine: (smacks Kevin in the head with her sign) Youuuuuuu LUNKHEAD! Ugh! ... Well, what about the last thing?
Kevin K.: (blankly) What last thing?
Christine: The Roving Camera! JEEZ!
Kevin K.: Oh yeah, and that's where our Roving Camera will be, so come on down and tell a joke or give us your views on dating... (grins mischeviously) girls.
Christine: Oh, and boys! Don't forget boys!
Kevin S.: Shut up, Moose, you're on strike!
Kevin Kubusheskie: So, come on down to Camp Fortune, because... (gets blank look on his face, and turns to Moose) ...because???
Christine: (still walking around the link set carrying her "On Strike" sign) Listen, I'm not gonna tell ya they have to answer the question, all right?
Kevin K.: Oh yeah, and answer a simple question. ... What is it, Rod?
Rodney: Well, the question is, "What is the name of our floor director"?
Christine: HEY! Hey, I know that one! Yeah, I know, I know!
Ross: No, wait a minute, you can't play, because you're on strike! Heh heh!
Christine: Aw...
Kevin Schenk: Anyway, if you see our Mystery Skiier, all you have to do is come down to Camp Fortune, and find out what Ross's name is. (realizes what he has just said) Ross? ... Aww....
Christine: (smacks Kevin in the head with her sign) Youuuuuuu LUNKHEAD! Ugh! ... Well, what about the last thing?
Kevin K.: (blankly) What last thing?
Christine: The Roving Camera! JEEZ!
Kevin K.: Oh yeah, and that's where our Roving Camera will be, so come on down and tell a joke or give us your views on dating... (grins mischeviously) girls.
Christine: Oh, and boys! Don't forget boys!
Kevin S.: Shut up, Moose, you're on strike!
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Christine: On water safety - the safest thing to do on this show is not to mention water.
[Christine is drenched and shrieks]
Christine: See what I mean?
[More water is poured on Christine, and she shrieks again]
[Christine is drenched and shrieks]
Christine: See what I mean?
[More water is poured on Christine, and she shrieks again]
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Rodney: In my school, they have washrooms for boys, washrooms for girls, and washrooms for teachers. Now, what I want to know is, are teachers a different sex from everyone else?
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Brodie: They think with all these jokes about washrooms, I'm going to be dumb enough to mention water? Well, I'm NOT! ... Oh, no... I just did!
[Christine throws a bucket of water on Brodie]
Brodie: That's not fair!
Christine: Oh, yes it is. You guys wanted to do the links just like me! Well, that's what happens to me every week - sometimes TWICE.
[Christine throws another bucket of water on Brodie]
Brodie: Now that was truly not fair!
[Christine throws a bucket of water on Brodie]
Brodie: That's not fair!
Christine: Oh, yes it is. You guys wanted to do the links just like me! Well, that's what happens to me every week - sometimes TWICE.
[Christine throws another bucket of water on Brodie]
Brodie: Now that was truly not fair!
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Brodie: [Sees Christine standing above him on a ladder, holding a bucket of slime] What are you doing up there, Moose?
Christine: Well, I'm just standing here with this bucket full of coagulating green slime, waiting for you to say the magic words so I can dump it all over you.
Brodie: What magic words?
Christine: The magic words, "I don't know"! ... Oops, I didn't say that, did I? Oh no...
[Christine is slimed, and Brodie laughs hysterically]
Christine: That's not fair! I didn't - I - I - I...
Christine: Well, I'm just standing here with this bucket full of coagulating green slime, waiting for you to say the magic words so I can dump it all over you.
Brodie: What magic words?
Christine: The magic words, "I don't know"! ... Oops, I didn't say that, did I? Oh no...
[Christine is slimed, and Brodie laughs hysterically]
Christine: That's not fair! I didn't - I - I - I...
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Christine: As you may have guessed this week's show is about drugs. Except we can't really make it about drugs or we'd get taken off the air. 'You can't do that on television.' Anyway. The idea that anyone would want to push a custard pie in their own face is just about as stupid as the idea that anyone would want to harm their bodies with dangereous and additive drugs, I mean custard pies. Sure they're kinda fun, but I don't need them. I mean I'm not addicted to them or anything! Excuse me.
[Walks off stage to a table of custard pies]
Christine: You don't have to follow me with that camera. I finished the introduction. Can't a girl get any pies in privacy....any privacy for pies? I don't need them...
[In walk 3 other cast members. Their faces are covered with custard pie remnants]
Kevin: Listen man, you gotta splat pies sometime.
Christine: No, Kevin, I don't gotta do nothing.
Mike: It's good for you man, gives you a nice sticky feeling on your face.
Angie: It's not bad for you Christine. You won't get addicted or anything.
[Kevin splats a pie in his face]
Christine: I just don't understand the point. You spend all your money on pies. You mess yourself up. Your clothes...your school work suffers... You get so sticky you can't even sleep at night.
Kevin: Listen sister, don't knock it til you try it.
Christine: Well I'm not going to try it. I think you guys are all deplorable.
[Christine walks off leaving the remaing 3 with the pies on the table]
Mike: Waste not. Want not.
Kevin: Right on.
[The rest remain and continue to splat pies in their faces repeatedly]
[Walks off stage to a table of custard pies]
Christine: You don't have to follow me with that camera. I finished the introduction. Can't a girl get any pies in privacy....any privacy for pies? I don't need them...
[In walk 3 other cast members. Their faces are covered with custard pie remnants]
Kevin: Listen man, you gotta splat pies sometime.
Christine: No, Kevin, I don't gotta do nothing.
Mike: It's good for you man, gives you a nice sticky feeling on your face.
Angie: It's not bad for you Christine. You won't get addicted or anything.
[Kevin splats a pie in his face]
Christine: I just don't understand the point. You spend all your money on pies. You mess yourself up. Your clothes...your school work suffers... You get so sticky you can't even sleep at night.
Kevin: Listen sister, don't knock it til you try it.
Christine: Well I'm not going to try it. I think you guys are all deplorable.
[Christine walks off leaving the remaing 3 with the pies on the table]
Mike: Waste not. Want not.
Kevin: Right on.
[The rest remain and continue to splat pies in their faces repeatedly]
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Angie: [With pie cream remnants smeared all over her face] What I want to know is, how can my mother tell I'm a custard pie user?
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Christine: Mike, pretty soon the splat you get from pies just won't be enough, and then you'll move on to bigger things - like green slime!
Mike: Don't be stupid, Christine. I won't go for that stuff. Besides, it's dangerous.
Christine: Don't lie to me, Mike! You're already splooshing slime, aren't you?
Mike: No, of course not! ... How did you know?
Christine: (examining Mike's T-shirt) Oh, I can tell the signs. Green stains don't wash out as easy as pie. HA! Get it? As "easy as pie"! ... Oh, sorry - serious show. Go ahead, be ashamed.
Mike: Oh Christine, I'm so ashamed. I gotta sploosh now. You don't have to watch if you don't want to.
Christine: Mike, DON'T!
Mike: I gotta! I gotta! Right now!
Christine: No! Mike! Ohh!
(Mike dumps a bucket of green slime over his head.)
Mike: (shivering) Oh, I can feel it running all over me... slithering down the back of my neck and slopping through my shirt... ohhhhhh...
Christine: You're disgusting!
Mike: Oh Christine, help me, please... (reaches out to hug Christine)
Christine: (recoiling) NO! UGH!!!!!!!
Mike: Don't be stupid, Christine. I won't go for that stuff. Besides, it's dangerous.
Christine: Don't lie to me, Mike! You're already splooshing slime, aren't you?
Mike: No, of course not! ... How did you know?
Christine: (examining Mike's T-shirt) Oh, I can tell the signs. Green stains don't wash out as easy as pie. HA! Get it? As "easy as pie"! ... Oh, sorry - serious show. Go ahead, be ashamed.
Mike: Oh Christine, I'm so ashamed. I gotta sploosh now. You don't have to watch if you don't want to.
Christine: Mike, DON'T!
Mike: I gotta! I gotta! Right now!
Christine: No! Mike! Ohh!
(Mike dumps a bucket of green slime over his head.)
Mike: (shivering) Oh, I can feel it running all over me... slithering down the back of my neck and slopping through my shirt... ohhhhhh...
Christine: You're disgusting!
Mike: Oh Christine, help me, please... (reaches out to hug Christine)
Christine: (recoiling) NO! UGH!!!!!!!
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
[Another "Angie the Talking Doll" sketch.]
Angie: Hello, I'm Angie the Talking Doll.
Kevin: Angie, do you splat pies?
Angie: I may be stuffed with sawdust, kid, but I'm not that stupid!
Angie: Hello, I'm Angie the Talking Doll.
Kevin: Angie, do you splat pies?
Angie: I may be stuffed with sawdust, kid, but I'm not that stupid!
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
[Opposite sketch]
Mr. Shidtler: Michael Lyon, did I see you cheating just now?
Mike: No, sir.
Mr. Shidtler: Why not? You know the answers?
Mike: No, sir.
Mr. Shidtler: Oh. Well, wanna look at mine?
Mr. Shidtler: Michael Lyon, did I see you cheating just now?
Mike: No, sir.
Mr. Shidtler: Why not? You know the answers?
Mike: No, sir.
Mr. Shidtler: Oh. Well, wanna look at mine?
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
[after begin watered]
Christine: It's not fair! I don't even splat pies! I'm a pure, innocent, and honest girl.
[The crew starts laughing... enough said.]
Christine: It's not fair! I don't even splat pies! I'm a pure, innocent, and honest girl.
[The crew starts laughing... enough said.]
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Elizabeth was sent to detention for putting on makeup in class, and has just been busted by the principal for putting on more makeup in detention.
Principal: Elizabeth, you know it's against the rules to wear makeup during school hours!
Elizabeth: But sir, it's after school hours now, isn't it?
Principal: It's still against the rules to wear makeup in school.
Elizabeth: Oh, dear. Well, I don't want to break any more rules. I guess I'd better leave right away.
Principal: I guess you'd better. And let this be a lesson to you, never to wear makeup in school again.
Elizabeth: All right, I won't. [She leaves]
Principal: [Suddenly realizing he's been tricked] ...Wait a minute!... Just once, why can't I win just once?!
Principal: Elizabeth, you know it's against the rules to wear makeup during school hours!
Elizabeth: But sir, it's after school hours now, isn't it?
Principal: It's still against the rules to wear makeup in school.
Elizabeth: Oh, dear. Well, I don't want to break any more rules. I guess I'd better leave right away.
Principal: I guess you'd better. And let this be a lesson to you, never to wear makeup in school again.
Elizabeth: All right, I won't. [She leaves]
Principal: [Suddenly realizing he's been tricked] ...Wait a minute!... Just once, why can't I win just once?!
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Lisa: Christine, do you ever use face cream?
Christine: Yeah, once in a while I'll put some on, just to keep my skin from drying out.
Lisa: Well, I have found a brand new one that works wonders and is very cheap!
Christine: Oh, great! Let me have some.
Lisa: Yes, it's called, "Face Cream Pie."
Christine: "Face Cream Pie"...
[Lisa shoves a pie into Christine's face]
Christine: Someday, Lisa Ruddy, pow - right in the kisser.
Christine: Yeah, once in a while I'll put some on, just to keep my skin from drying out.
Lisa: Well, I have found a brand new one that works wonders and is very cheap!
Christine: Oh, great! Let me have some.
Lisa: Yes, it's called, "Face Cream Pie."
Christine: "Face Cream Pie"...
[Lisa shoves a pie into Christine's face]
Christine: Someday, Lisa Ruddy, pow - right in the kisser.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
[Doug enters the living room wearing a kilt]
Mr. Prevert: Ha! When I was your age, I wouldn't have been caught dead wearing a skirt!
Doug: It's not a skirt, it's a kilt. And when you were my age, probably all you had to wear was dinosaur skins.
Mr. Prevert: Actually, they were saber-toothed tiger skins. Dinosaur skins went out with the caveman.
Mr. Prevert: Ha! When I was your age, I wouldn't have been caught dead wearing a skirt!
Doug: It's not a skirt, it's a kilt. And when you were my age, probably all you had to wear was dinosaur skins.
Mr. Prevert: Actually, they were saber-toothed tiger skins. Dinosaur skins went out with the caveman.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
[An Opposite Sketch. In this sketch, Christine, Lisa and Doug lean in progressively closer toward Kevin, who is wearing a leather jacket, and finally are leaning in so close that he falls out of his desk.]
Christine: Look whose Mommy didn't make him wear a sailor suit to school!
Lisa: ...Who dresses like a punk!
Doug: ...Who isn't Mommy's little darling!
Christine: ...Who's not a big sissy!
Christine: Look whose Mommy didn't make him wear a sailor suit to school!
Lisa: ...Who dresses like a punk!
Doug: ...Who isn't Mommy's little darling!
Christine: ...Who's not a big sissy!
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television