You Can't Do That on Television Quotes
Christine: Hi, and welcome to another episode of "You Can't Do That On Television". This shows is packed full of brand-new, super-duper, funny and zany comedy, it's all new and even better than before. (Suddenly, the credits start rolling.) Wait a second. Stop. Stop. Hold it! Stop. (The credits stop rolling and fade out.)
Ross: Well, what is it now?
Christine: What do you mean, "what is it now"? Why were the closing credits rolling? I hadn't even finished my introduction.
Ross: It's my newest idea for saving money, a little tip I picked up from the advertisers. What you do is, you call the show all-new and better than ever, and then you present the viewers with less content.
Christine: Yeah, sounds good so far, but how does that save money?
Ross: That's the beauty of it. We only do a two minute show, then we only have to pay you kids for two minutes and I get the rest!
Christine: Yeah. Forget it, Ross.
Ross: Well, it was worth a try.
Christine: The things some people will do to make a buck.
Ross: Well, what is it now?
Christine: What do you mean, "what is it now"? Why were the closing credits rolling? I hadn't even finished my introduction.
Ross: It's my newest idea for saving money, a little tip I picked up from the advertisers. What you do is, you call the show all-new and better than ever, and then you present the viewers with less content.
Christine: Yeah, sounds good so far, but how does that save money?
Ross: That's the beauty of it. We only do a two minute show, then we only have to pay you kids for two minutes and I get the rest!
Christine: Yeah. Forget it, Ross.
Ross: Well, it was worth a try.
Christine: The things some people will do to make a buck.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
[An Opposite Sketch. A young man comes in wearing a trenchcoat, hat and sunglasses, carrying a violin case]
Mr. Prevert: Hey Kevin! Come here. Where do you think you're going with that? [points to the violin case]
Kevin: I'm gonna go shoot up the neighborhood, Dad.
[Kevin opens the violin case to reveal a machine gun]
Mr Prevert: I thought you were going to some boring violin lesson or something like that. Go on. Have fun!
Mr. Prevert: Hey Kevin! Come here. Where do you think you're going with that? [points to the violin case]
Kevin: I'm gonna go shoot up the neighborhood, Dad.
[Kevin opens the violin case to reveal a machine gun]
Mr Prevert: I thought you were going to some boring violin lesson or something like that. Go on. Have fun!
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
[An Opposite Sketch. Kevin and Lisa are watching TV in the bedroom, and there are some near-erotic sounds coming from the TV, in Kevin and Lisa's voices: "Oh, Kevin!" "Oh, Lisa!" Suddenly there's a knock at the door]
Lisa: Uh oh...
Mrs. Prevert: Lisa, have you got that television set on in there?!
Lisa: Uh, no Mom!
Mrs. Prevert: Well then, what's going on in there? I heard voices.
Lisa: I've got a boy in here with me!
Mrs. Prevert: Well, that's okay then. Just don't let me catch you with that television set on.
Lisa: Right, Mom! [To Kevin] We've got her mad now; I guess we'd better turn it off!
Kevin: Just as it was getting interesting!
Lisa: What do we do now?
Kevin: Got any cards?
Lisa: Uh oh...
Mrs. Prevert: Lisa, have you got that television set on in there?!
Lisa: Uh, no Mom!
Mrs. Prevert: Well then, what's going on in there? I heard voices.
Lisa: I've got a boy in here with me!
Mrs. Prevert: Well, that's okay then. Just don't let me catch you with that television set on.
Lisa: Right, Mom! [To Kevin] We've got her mad now; I guess we'd better turn it off!
Kevin: Just as it was getting interesting!
Lisa: What do we do now?
Kevin: Got any cards?
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Christine: Listen, I know you're kind of new to this, so if you have any questions, just ask me.
Vanessa: Well, there is one thing I'd like to ask you.
Christine: Sure.
Vanessa: How do they make that slime they're always dumping on you?
Christine: Oh. Well, first they take some wa-- some liquid, and then they add some flour, some Jell-O powder, sometimes some soap. Then they dump it all over me.
Vanessa: (looking up) Where do they dump it from?
Christine: Actually, Vanessa, I've always wondered that too. I just don't know.
(Christine is slimed.)
Vanessa: Very interesting. Is it always green?
Christine: Well, yeah, usually it is, but I guess it could be red,
(Christine is red slimed.)
Christine: or blue,
(Christine is blue slimed.)
Christine: or yellow.
(Christine is yellow slimed.)
Christine: Yeah. All right, you think you're so smart, let's see stripes!
(Christine is striped slimed - green, red, blue and yellow all at once.)
Vanessa: (also covered in slime.) Gee, it must be tough being a TV star. By the way, how do you get this stuff out?
Christine: Well it usually washes off with water.
(Christine and Vanessa are drenched.)
Christine: Usually.
Vanessa: Well, there is one thing I'd like to ask you.
Christine: Sure.
Vanessa: How do they make that slime they're always dumping on you?
Christine: Oh. Well, first they take some wa-- some liquid, and then they add some flour, some Jell-O powder, sometimes some soap. Then they dump it all over me.
Vanessa: (looking up) Where do they dump it from?
Christine: Actually, Vanessa, I've always wondered that too. I just don't know.
(Christine is slimed.)
Vanessa: Very interesting. Is it always green?
Christine: Well, yeah, usually it is, but I guess it could be red,
(Christine is red slimed.)
Christine: or blue,
(Christine is blue slimed.)
Christine: or yellow.
(Christine is yellow slimed.)
Christine: Yeah. All right, you think you're so smart, let's see stripes!
(Christine is striped slimed - green, red, blue and yellow all at once.)
Vanessa: (also covered in slime.) Gee, it must be tough being a TV star. By the way, how do you get this stuff out?
Christine: Well it usually washes off with water.
(Christine and Vanessa are drenched.)
Christine: Usually.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Mr. Schidtler: All right class, for homework tonight, I want you to watch Magnum P.I., Dallas, Hill Street Blues, and Fame. All right, class dismissed.
Kevin: Wow, what a lousy homework assignment.
Lisa: I think it's a terrific homework assignment.
Kevin: But you know I never do my homework. Now I'll have to miss my favorite TV programs.
Kevin: Wow, what a lousy homework assignment.
Lisa: I think it's a terrific homework assignment.
Kevin: But you know I never do my homework. Now I'll have to miss my favorite TV programs.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Announcer: You Can't Do That On Television can now be seen in Prime Slime Viewing Hours.
Christine: Don't you mean, "Prime Time" Viewing Hours?
[Christine is slimed]
Announcer: [Laughing] Nope, I mean, "Prime Slime" Viewing Hours!
Christine: Figures. What else? ... Thanks!
Christine: Don't you mean, "Prime Time" Viewing Hours?
[Christine is slimed]
Announcer: [Laughing] Nope, I mean, "Prime Slime" Viewing Hours!
Christine: Figures. What else? ... Thanks!
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
[Two Boy Scouts are sitting on a house's front porch with a case of bottled beer
Boy Scouts: [Singing with drunk voices] Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer...
Scoutmaster: [Blows whistle] Empty bottles! You were supposed to collect empty bottles!
Boy Scout: [in a drunk voice] We've been emptying them.... [Belch]
Boy Scouts: [Singing with drunk voices] Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer...
Scoutmaster: [Blows whistle] Empty bottles! You were supposed to collect empty bottles!
Boy Scout: [in a drunk voice] We've been emptying them.... [Belch]
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
[opposite skit]
Mr. Schidtler: Class, CLASS!! Can you please pay attention? Does anybody here have any idea why inte--- "Inestine" was regarded as a great scientist? Kevin?
Kevin: Oh, I don't know.
Mr. Schidtler: Christine?
Christine: I don't know.
Mr. Schidtler: Lisa?
Lisa: Oh! Yes sir, I know!
[Lisa is slimed]
Lisa: Wait a second! Wait, wait wait. That's only supposed to happen when people say "I don't know."
Christine: Lisa, you forget. This is an opposite skit.
Mr. Schidtler: Class, CLASS!! Can you please pay attention? Does anybody here have any idea why inte--- "Inestine" was regarded as a great scientist? Kevin?
Kevin: Oh, I don't know.
Mr. Schidtler: Christine?
Christine: I don't know.
Mr. Schidtler: Lisa?
Lisa: Oh! Yes sir, I know!
[Lisa is slimed]
Lisa: Wait a second! Wait, wait wait. That's only supposed to happen when people say "I don't know."
Christine: Lisa, you forget. This is an opposite skit.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Christine: [Takes a fingerful of icing from the chocolate cake before her on the table, then thinks better of it] Oh... no, I can't do it. It's a good thing I stopped myself in time. A little chocolate cake binge would have meant another five pounds. Oh, I wish I was thin!
[A puff of smoke, and the Unfairy Godmother appears]
Unfairy Godmother: Sorry, but I had trouble hearing that last part.
Christine: I said I wish I was thinner.
Unfairy Godmother: Thinner! And so you shall be!
[Another puff of smoke, and Christine is changed into a can of Paint Thinner]
Unfairy Godmother: The Unfairy Godmother strikes again! ... Wait a minute, I just thought of something; I was going to paint my gazebo this weekend. [Picks up the can of paint thinner and walks off]
[A puff of smoke, and the Unfairy Godmother appears]
Unfairy Godmother: Sorry, but I had trouble hearing that last part.
Christine: I said I wish I was thinner.
Unfairy Godmother: Thinner! And so you shall be!
[Another puff of smoke, and Christine is changed into a can of Paint Thinner]
Unfairy Godmother: The Unfairy Godmother strikes again! ... Wait a minute, I just thought of something; I was going to paint my gazebo this weekend. [Picks up the can of paint thinner and walks off]
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Christine: You know, when you're doing a TV show and you're trying to remember your lines like I am right now, you tend to develop a lot of really strange fears. Sometimes you'll forget some of the teapots. ... No, no, what I meant to say is sometimes you'll forget some of the whips. ... Okay, the words. Sometimes you'll forget the words, and you'll leave out an important cabbage. ... Forget it, let's just go on to the next cream pie.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
[Throughout the show, Lisa has told jokes referring you Christine as a dog.]
Christine: Hey, Lisa.
Lisa: Yeah, Moosie?
Christine: Lisa, do you know what I do to little costarlets who keep calling me a dog?
Lisa: (laughing nervously) Oh, I don't know! (she gets slimed)
Christine: I, uh, get my revenge.
Christine: Hey, Lisa.
Lisa: Yeah, Moosie?
Christine: Lisa, do you know what I do to little costarlets who keep calling me a dog?
Lisa: (laughing nervously) Oh, I don't know! (she gets slimed)
Christine: I, uh, get my revenge.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Christine: Well, that's our show and---
The Crew: Oh, thank goodness!
The Crew: Oh, thank goodness!
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
[The classroom. Lisa is jabbering away to Christine, who is sitting in the desk behind her, and doesn't hear Mr. Schidtler call her name several times.]
Mr. Schidtler: LISA!!!!!
Lisa: What?!
Mr. Schidtler: Lisa, please do not talk with your mouth open.
Lisa: Sir, don't you mean "Do not talk with your mouth full"?
Mr. Schidtler: No, I mean, "Do not talk with your mouth open."
Lisa: Well, how else am I supposed to talk?!
Mr. Schidtler: Exactly.
[The rest of the classroom erupts in applause]
Mr. Schidtler: LISA!!!!!
Lisa: What?!
Mr. Schidtler: Lisa, please do not talk with your mouth open.
Lisa: Sir, don't you mean "Do not talk with your mouth full"?
Mr. Schidtler: No, I mean, "Do not talk with your mouth open."
Lisa: Well, how else am I supposed to talk?!
Mr. Schidtler: Exactly.
[The rest of the classroom erupts in applause]
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Christine: [Reading aloud from the show's producers' book of etiquette, on table manners] "It is generally considered impolite to wolf your cookies while reciting your multiplication tables."
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Mrs. Prevert: How many times do I have to tell you...
Lisa: Aw, Mom...
Mrs. Prevert: Don't "Aw, Mom" me! How many times do I have to tell you not to play Doctor with that Johnny!
Lisa: But Mom, there's nothing wrong in that!
Mrs. Prevert: "Nothing wrong in that"?! I've told you again and again, Johnny is a specialist! It's costing us a fortune! If you're going to play Doctor, I want you to play it with Ralph. He's a general practitioner.
Lisa: Aw, Mom...
Mrs. Prevert: Don't "Aw, Mom" me! How many times do I have to tell you not to play Doctor with that Johnny!
Lisa: But Mom, there's nothing wrong in that!
Mrs. Prevert: "Nothing wrong in that"?! I've told you again and again, Johnny is a specialist! It's costing us a fortune! If you're going to play Doctor, I want you to play it with Ralph. He's a general practitioner.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Mike: Did you see my picture in the paper yesterday, sir? I'm carrier of the week.
Mr. Prevert: I never read the newspaper, son.
Mike: That's what everyone says on my route. No one ever reads their papers anymore.
Mr. Prevert: That's right, everyone gets their news from the teletext on TV.
Mike: Then why do you all still get a newspaper?
Mr. Prevert: Cause we haven't found any way to wrap up kitty litter in a television set.
Mr. Prevert: I never read the newspaper, son.
Mike: That's what everyone says on my route. No one ever reads their papers anymore.
Mr. Prevert: That's right, everyone gets their news from the teletext on TV.
Mike: Then why do you all still get a newspaper?
Mr. Prevert: Cause we haven't found any way to wrap up kitty litter in a television set.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Mrs. Prevert[to Dougie, her son] So you see Dougie dear, as long as we have more and bigger bombs than the Russians, there will never have a nuclear war. So I want you to go to sleep now and tomorrow I'll tell you another fairy tale.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
(At Blip's Arkaid)
Alasdair: What's that game you're playing? I've never seen it before.
Kevin: Well, it's brand new. It's a game desgined about the great outdoors and animals and trees and stuff like that.
Alasdair: Yeah, it looks okay. What's it called?
Kevin: "Backpack-Man", of course.
Alasdair: Of course.
Alasdair: What's that game you're playing? I've never seen it before.
Kevin: Well, it's brand new. It's a game desgined about the great outdoors and animals and trees and stuff like that.
Alasdair: Yeah, it looks okay. What's it called?
Kevin: "Backpack-Man", of course.
Alasdair: Of course.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Corey: I can't stand to eat any more of this junk Barth tries to pass off as food. His cooking's disgusting!
Christine: Oh, it's not that bad. In fact, did you know that Barth is one of the most sought-after chefs in the entire country?
Corey: You've got to be kidding.
Christine: Oh, no - he's wanted in seventeen states for food poisoning.
Barth: D'oh, I heard that!
Christine: Oh, it's not that bad. In fact, did you know that Barth is one of the most sought-after chefs in the entire country?
Corey: You've got to be kidding.
Christine: Oh, no - he's wanted in seventeen states for food poisoning.
Barth: D'oh, I heard that!
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Christine: You know, I took home economics once.
The Crew: (sarcastically) YOU WOULDN'T KNOW IT!
Christine: Thanks a lot, guys.
The Crew: (sarcastically) YOU WOULDN'T KNOW IT!
Christine: Thanks a lot, guys.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Christine: [Introducing the show] Hi, and welcome to You Can't Do That on Television, another in a series of sour notes.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Ross: CUE!
Christine: I haven't read the script! I don't know what today's show...
[Christine is slimed]
Christine: ...is about.
Ross: [Laughing] It's about Priorities!
Christine: Priorities, huh? Yah. Well, I think that from now on, my highest priority in life is, never again to say "I don't know".
[Christine is slimed again]
Christine: I haven't read the script! I don't know what today's show...
[Christine is slimed]
Christine: ...is about.
Ross: [Laughing] It's about Priorities!
Christine: Priorities, huh? Yah. Well, I think that from now on, my highest priority in life is, never again to say "I don't know".
[Christine is slimed again]
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Christine: You know, the producers of this show collect something... idiots.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
[(Lisa and Alasdair run to the front door, holding buckets filled with body parts. The ring the doorbell and Valerie answers it.)]
Valerie: : Yes?
Alasdair: Oh well, hi, we're on a spare body parts run, and we wonder whether you have anything to donate.
Valerie: : Well, yes I do. (Grabs Lance by his shoulders) A complete set. (Lance complains she Valerie shuts the door)
Valerie: : Yes?
Alasdair: Oh well, hi, we're on a spare body parts run, and we wonder whether you have anything to donate.
Valerie: : Well, yes I do. (Grabs Lance by his shoulders) A complete set. (Lance complains she Valerie shuts the door)
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Pauline: Hey Angie, did you know I can speak a foreign language?
Angie: Really? I didn't know that, let me hear you.
Pauline: "Hi? How are you? Nice weather we're having."
Angie: "Hi? How are you? Nice weather we're having"? That's not a foreign language!
Pauline: Yes it is, it's English.
Angie: Well, I know it's English.
Pauline: Well, England is a foreign country.
Angie: Really? I didn't know that, let me hear you.
Pauline: "Hi? How are you? Nice weather we're having."
Angie: "Hi? How are you? Nice weather we're having"? That's not a foreign language!
Pauline: Yes it is, it's English.
Angie: Well, I know it's English.
Pauline: Well, England is a foreign country.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Christine: Oh Eugene, look! They put up the name of the foster child the school adopted.
Eugene: Oh yeah, he's from the Philippines.
Christine: Yeah. Do they ever have weird names there. Look at this... "AI DO KNO".
Eugene: Don't you know anything about the Philippines? The A is silent, The O is pronounced O and the K is silent. His name is "I don't know".
[Eugene is slimed]
Christine: You're new on this show, aren't you Eugene?
Eugene: Oh yeah, he's from the Philippines.
Christine: Yeah. Do they ever have weird names there. Look at this... "AI DO KNO".
Eugene: Don't you know anything about the Philippines? The A is silent, The O is pronounced O and the K is silent. His name is "I don't know".
[Eugene is slimed]
Christine: You're new on this show, aren't you Eugene?
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Christine: Okay, all of you who want to hear nothing but silence coming from Lisa Ruddy...
Lisa: Oh please, oh please, I know I must have a fan out there somewhere, if you write me I'll say your name, oh please, oh...
Christine: ...Please touch the green square now!
Lisa: Oh please, oh please, oh...
[The audience "votes" for Lisa to lose her voice. Lisa immediately shuts up.]
Christine: Aww, too bad Lisa, I guess all your fans were out to lunch today!
[Lisa holds up a sign that says, "I'LL GET YOU MOOSE!"]
Lisa: Oh please, oh please, I know I must have a fan out there somewhere, if you write me I'll say your name, oh please, oh...
Christine: ...Please touch the green square now!
Lisa: Oh please, oh please, oh...
[The audience "votes" for Lisa to lose her voice. Lisa immediately shuts up.]
Christine: Aww, too bad Lisa, I guess all your fans were out to lunch today!
[Lisa holds up a sign that says, "I'LL GET YOU MOOSE!"]
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Christine: [Lisa is still unable to talk and can only communicate through writing notes; reading Lisa's note] "My link is the introduction to the commercials, and if we don't have any commercials, we don't get paid." ... Oh, I get it! It's time to test the audience voting device again! Okay now, everybody who wants to see Lisa get her voice back and watch some commercials so I can get paid, go ahead and touch the green square on the bottom of your screen. Touch now!
[The vote fails. Lisa writes Christine another note.]
Christine: [Reading note] "Try something more imaginative." ... Oh, I know! Eugene, come here, sit down.
[Eugene Contreras walks over and sits down]
Christine: Now, all of you who want to see something really horrible happen to Eugene here, and see Lisa get her voice back and watch some commercials so I can get paid, touch the green square on the bottom of your screen.
[The vote fails again.]
Christine: Okay, I've got it this time. Now, all of you who want to see something really horrible happen to Eugene, and see Lisa get her voice back and watch some commercials so I can get paid, and see Vanessa... where's Vanessa?
[Vanessa Lindores walks over and sits down]
Christine: And see Vanessa here get hit with water, just touch the...
[Christine is drenched.]
Christine: ...green square on your screen!
[This time the vote passes. Vanessa is hit with water, and Lisa laughs out loud.]
Christine: Wait a minute! What about the something really horrible that was supposed to happen to Eugene?!
[Eugene gets a pie in the face.]
Lisa: And now it's time for the commercials!
[The vote fails. Lisa writes Christine another note.]
Christine: [Reading note] "Try something more imaginative." ... Oh, I know! Eugene, come here, sit down.
[Eugene Contreras walks over and sits down]
Christine: Now, all of you who want to see something really horrible happen to Eugene here, and see Lisa get her voice back and watch some commercials so I can get paid, touch the green square on the bottom of your screen.
[The vote fails again.]
Christine: Okay, I've got it this time. Now, all of you who want to see something really horrible happen to Eugene, and see Lisa get her voice back and watch some commercials so I can get paid, and see Vanessa... where's Vanessa?
[Vanessa Lindores walks over and sits down]
Christine: And see Vanessa here get hit with water, just touch the...
[Christine is drenched.]
Christine: ...green square on your screen!
[This time the vote passes. Vanessa is hit with water, and Lisa laughs out loud.]
Christine: Wait a minute! What about the something really horrible that was supposed to happen to Eugene?!
[Eugene gets a pie in the face.]
Lisa: And now it's time for the commercials!
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
[Vanessa and Eugene are on the school bus and are wearing TV wristwatches.]
Vanessa: These new wristwatch televisions are great. I don't miss the soaps anymore.
Eugene: And I don't miss the football games anymore.
[Snakeeyes is also wearing one and watching it but he is not watching the road.]
Snakeeyes: And I don't miss... [looks ahead] ...THE TREES ANYMORE!! [they crash into a tree.]
Vanessa: These new wristwatch televisions are great. I don't miss the soaps anymore.
Eugene: And I don't miss the football games anymore.
[Snakeeyes is also wearing one and watching it but he is not watching the road.]
Snakeeyes: And I don't miss... [looks ahead] ...THE TREES ANYMORE!! [they crash into a tree.]
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Ben: What's your ambition in life?
Doug: To grow up big and strong.
Ben: Oh, you mean like me?
Doug: No!
Ben: Better watch it, Doug, or you'll never live to fulfill your ambition!
Lisa: Ben, don't talk to Doug like he was a dog! Christine will get very jealous.
Christine: Oh, Lisa?
Lisa: Yes, Moosie?
Christine: Was it always your ambition to become an actress?
Lisa: Why, yes it was.
Christine: What went wrong?
Doug: To grow up big and strong.
Ben: Oh, you mean like me?
Doug: No!
Ben: Better watch it, Doug, or you'll never live to fulfill your ambition!
Lisa: Ben, don't talk to Doug like he was a dog! Christine will get very jealous.
Christine: Oh, Lisa?
Lisa: Yes, Moosie?
Christine: Was it always your ambition to become an actress?
Lisa: Why, yes it was.
Christine: What went wrong?
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television