You Can't Do That on Television Quotes
Christine: [putting a curse on Ross] Tongue of dog, wing of bat. Toe of frog, tail of rat. Sure as kids like a video arcade, it's gonna rain on your parade.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Alasdair: Did you go out trick-or-treating?
Lisa: Actually, no, I just took my little sister around, but it's funny, I got more treats than she did!
Alasdair: Why, what were you wearing?
Lisa: Well, nothing special, just my gray pants and...
Christine: Oh, well that explains it, then.
Lisa: Explains what?
Christine: Well, you were probably the best imitation of an elephant they'd ever seen.
Lisa: Oh, Christine?
Christine: Yes, Lisa?
Lisa: Did you go out trick-or-treating?
Christine: Actually, no, I just stayed home and helped to hand out the treats.
Lisa: I thought so.
Christine: What do you mean?
Lisa: All night long I kept hearing about the "witch" on your street!
Lisa: Actually, no, I just took my little sister around, but it's funny, I got more treats than she did!
Alasdair: Why, what were you wearing?
Lisa: Well, nothing special, just my gray pants and...
Christine: Oh, well that explains it, then.
Lisa: Explains what?
Christine: Well, you were probably the best imitation of an elephant they'd ever seen.
Lisa: Oh, Christine?
Christine: Yes, Lisa?
Lisa: Did you go out trick-or-treating?
Christine: Actually, no, I just stayed home and helped to hand out the treats.
Lisa: I thought so.
Christine: What do you mean?
Lisa: All night long I kept hearing about the "witch" on your street!
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Lisa: Ross, thank you very much for the Christmas bonuses.
Ross: It was nothing.
Christine: Almost!
Ross: It was nothing.
Christine: Almost!
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Christine: You know, Lisa Ruddy always reminded me of a fossil.
Lisa: Well thank you very much, Christine. You mean you think I make a lasting impression?
Christine: Well, there's that, and there's the fact that your head is as hard as a rock.
Lisa: Well thank you very much, Christine. You mean you think I make a lasting impression?
Christine: Well, there's that, and there's the fact that your head is as hard as a rock.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Ross: I got some bad news. The producer and his wife are getting a divorce.
Alasdair: Oh, great! For a minute there, I thought it was something really serious.
Ross: But wait a minute, it is more serious than you guys think. You see, the producer's wife gets half of everything he owns, and that includes this show. (Suddenly, we hear someone moaning.)
Christine: What was that?
Ross: The producer. They just told him.
Lisa: I still don't get it. So she gets half of the show. What's the big deal?
Ross: The big deal is she's taking her half of this show right now.
Christine: Okay, Ross. You tell us. Which half of the show does she get?
(Suddenly, the left half of the screen goes blank, and Alasdair, Lisa and Marjorie disappear.)
Ross: That half.
Alasdair: Oh, great! For a minute there, I thought it was something really serious.
Ross: But wait a minute, it is more serious than you guys think. You see, the producer's wife gets half of everything he owns, and that includes this show. (Suddenly, we hear someone moaning.)
Christine: What was that?
Ross: The producer. They just told him.
Lisa: I still don't get it. So she gets half of the show. What's the big deal?
Ross: The big deal is she's taking her half of this show right now.
Christine: Okay, Ross. You tell us. Which half of the show does she get?
(Suddenly, the left half of the screen goes blank, and Alasdair, Lisa and Marjorie disappear.)
Ross: That half.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Lisa: (at Barth's) Alasdair, where's Stephanie Chow? Wasn't she supposed to meet us here?
Barth: (sets plates of food in front of Lisa and Alasdair) Here's your chow!
Lisa: Oh Barth... you didn't!
Barth: What are you talking about?
Alasdair: You, putting poor little Stephanie Chow in the burger mix! That's murder!
Barth: Oh, you mean the new kid, the little Chinese girl? I couldn't put her in the burger mixture!
Lisa: I knew even you wouldn't do something like that.
Barth: Of course not! I don't serve Chinese food! And besides, there's not enough meat on her bones to even bother with. (Stephanie then turns up beating frantically on Barth's chest, trying to free herself from his grasp)
Barth: (sets plates of food in front of Lisa and Alasdair) Here's your chow!
Lisa: Oh Barth... you didn't!
Barth: What are you talking about?
Alasdair: You, putting poor little Stephanie Chow in the burger mix! That's murder!
Barth: Oh, you mean the new kid, the little Chinese girl? I couldn't put her in the burger mixture!
Lisa: I knew even you wouldn't do something like that.
Barth: Of course not! I don't serve Chinese food! And besides, there's not enough meat on her bones to even bother with. (Stephanie then turns up beating frantically on Barth's chest, trying to free herself from his grasp)
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Christine: Hey, Adam?
Adam: Yes, Christine?
Christine: Have you noticed that lately Lisa's been hanging out a lot?
Adam: Yeah, I know. Lately I've seen her hanging around the shopping mall, the video arcade...
Christine: No, no, that's not what I mean. I mean she's been hanging out, like over her belt, and over the top of her shirt, and...
Lisa: Are you finished?!!
...
Christine: Hey, Lisa?
Lisa: What?!
Christine: Listen, I'm sorry about that joke about "hanging out." I didn't make it up, you know, I just recite my lines.
Lisa: ...Yeah, I know.
Christine: You know, sometimes I wish we could just stop making jokes about peoples' bodies. They're stupid, I mean, why can't we joke about something else, like, you know, personality?
Lisa: But Christine, how can we make jokes about something you don't even have?
Christine: LISA!!!
Lisa: Christine, I'm just reciting my lines.
Adam: Yes, Christine?
Christine: Have you noticed that lately Lisa's been hanging out a lot?
Adam: Yeah, I know. Lately I've seen her hanging around the shopping mall, the video arcade...
Christine: No, no, that's not what I mean. I mean she's been hanging out, like over her belt, and over the top of her shirt, and...
Lisa: Are you finished?!!
...
Christine: Hey, Lisa?
Lisa: What?!
Christine: Listen, I'm sorry about that joke about "hanging out." I didn't make it up, you know, I just recite my lines.
Lisa: ...Yeah, I know.
Christine: You know, sometimes I wish we could just stop making jokes about peoples' bodies. They're stupid, I mean, why can't we joke about something else, like, you know, personality?
Lisa: But Christine, how can we make jokes about something you don't even have?
Christine: LISA!!!
Lisa: Christine, I'm just reciting my lines.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Christine: [introducing the show, dressed in a heavy overcoat and hat] I would just like to show you how the weather affects our lives - for instance, the clothes we wear. In the winter, we have to bundle up because we're suffering through that freezing cold! And then... [takes off overcoat and hat to reveal that she has on a red raincoat] comes the spring... with its soft spring rains. And then... [takes off raincoat to reveal that she is wearing a one-piece bathing suit] THE SCORCHING HEAT OF SUMMER!!!
Angry Crew Member Offscreen: CUT IT OFF!
Ross: [walks up to Christine with a bathrobe, which he uses to cover her up] Christine! What are you doing?!
Christine: Well, Ross, I'm introducing the show. I thought that since it was about weather, I'd just, uh... [laughs sheepishly]
Ross: Do you realize what the Censor Board would say about this? Do you want them to take this show off the air?
Christine: [laughing and grinning wickedly] Yes.
Angry Crew Member Offscreen: CUT IT OFF!
Ross: [walks up to Christine with a bathrobe, which he uses to cover her up] Christine! What are you doing?!
Christine: Well, Ross, I'm introducing the show. I thought that since it was about weather, I'd just, uh... [laughs sheepishly]
Ross: Do you realize what the Censor Board would say about this? Do you want them to take this show off the air?
Christine: [laughing and grinning wickedly] Yes.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
[Blip's Arkaid]
Alasdair: All right, one more point and fifty free games!
(Blip hearing this runs over and shuts the power off momentarily)
Kids: BLIP!!
Blip: Sorry kids, a little power failure. Thunderstorm if you ask me.
Alasdair: A little power failure? My score just went down to zero and I lost fifty free games!
Blip: What can I do? It's the weather!
Alasdair: I don't know why Blip just shuts off the power and then blames it on the weather.
Lisa: But it is the weather. Weather we are about to win any free games or not.
Alasdair: All right, one more point and fifty free games!
(Blip hearing this runs over and shuts the power off momentarily)
Kids: BLIP!!
Blip: Sorry kids, a little power failure. Thunderstorm if you ask me.
Alasdair: A little power failure? My score just went down to zero and I lost fifty free games!
Blip: What can I do? It's the weather!
Alasdair: I don't know why Blip just shuts off the power and then blames it on the weather.
Lisa: But it is the weather. Weather we are about to win any free games or not.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
[Snakeeyes' bus is stuck in a snowbank and he tries to push it out.]
Snakeeyes: All right kids, You're going to have to come out and help me push.
Lisa: We are always getting stuck in the snow Snakeeyes. Can't the school board buy some snow tires?
Snakeeyes: Oh they wanted to buy snow tires, but I told them, "No thank you!".
Lisa: Why?
Snakeeyes: Oh you kids are so stupid. I mean snow tires, how long do you think they'd last? Tires made out of snow. First two days of summer, they'd melt.
Lisa: Where does the school board find him? And why do they let him drive a bus?
Snakeeyes: All right kids, You're going to have to come out and help me push.
Lisa: We are always getting stuck in the snow Snakeeyes. Can't the school board buy some snow tires?
Snakeeyes: Oh they wanted to buy snow tires, but I told them, "No thank you!".
Lisa: Why?
Snakeeyes: Oh you kids are so stupid. I mean snow tires, how long do you think they'd last? Tires made out of snow. First two days of summer, they'd melt.
Lisa: Where does the school board find him? And why do they let him drive a bus?
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
[Christine is shoveling snow during a blizzard in the studio.]
Alasdair: (with his weather machine) Christine! I finally figured out how to stop the snow!
Christine: Well would you hurry up?! My arms are getting tired!
Alasdair: All right! You turn the dial to heat wave. There! (The blizzard stops.)
Christine: Oh it worked! Oh but Alasdair, there's only one problem. Where does all the snow go when it melts?
Alasdair: It turns into water!
[Alasdair is drenched]
Christine: Well, at least you didn't get green slimed.
Alasdair: You know, sometimes I don't know which is worse.
[Alasdair is slimed]
Christine: Well, now you know.
Alasdair: (with his weather machine) Christine! I finally figured out how to stop the snow!
Christine: Well would you hurry up?! My arms are getting tired!
Alasdair: All right! You turn the dial to heat wave. There! (The blizzard stops.)
Christine: Oh it worked! Oh but Alasdair, there's only one problem. Where does all the snow go when it melts?
Alasdair: It turns into water!
[Alasdair is drenched]
Christine: Well, at least you didn't get green slimed.
Alasdair: You know, sometimes I don't know which is worse.
[Alasdair is slimed]
Christine: Well, now you know.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Lisa: You know Alasdair, Snakeeyes is an amazing driver. Through snow, sleet, wind or hail, we have never been late for school.
Alasdair: And isn't it amazing that it's only on the way home from school that his brakes fail, he runs out of gas, he loses the keys, he gets stuck in the snow, he gets pulled over by the cops...
Alasdair: And isn't it amazing that it's only on the way home from school that his brakes fail, he runs out of gas, he loses the keys, he gets stuck in the snow, he gets pulled over by the cops...
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
[Alasdair's weather machine has it very hot in the studio.]
Christine: Lisa, I can't believe how hot it is today.
Lisa: Christine, it has got to be at least a hundred degrees.
Christine: You know, with my frail health, I can die in this weather.
Lisa: There has got to be a way to cool off.
Christine: (thinking) There is! Come here. (whispers to Lisa)
Lisa: Good idea! okay.
Christine and Lisa: Water! (nothing happens) Water? WATER!!
Christine: Oh. Ross, what is going on here?
Ross: It is this heat Christine. We have to conserve water. Which is more important, a cheap gag or conserving one of our most natural resources?
Lisa: I don't know, I guess you're right.
[Lisa is slimed]
Christine: Well apparently, there's no slime shortage. But you've got problems Lisa. There's no water in the showers.
Christine: Lisa, I can't believe how hot it is today.
Lisa: Christine, it has got to be at least a hundred degrees.
Christine: You know, with my frail health, I can die in this weather.
Lisa: There has got to be a way to cool off.
Christine: (thinking) There is! Come here. (whispers to Lisa)
Lisa: Good idea! okay.
Christine and Lisa: Water! (nothing happens) Water? WATER!!
Christine: Oh. Ross, what is going on here?
Ross: It is this heat Christine. We have to conserve water. Which is more important, a cheap gag or conserving one of our most natural resources?
Lisa: I don't know, I guess you're right.
[Lisa is slimed]
Christine: Well apparently, there's no slime shortage. But you've got problems Lisa. There's no water in the showers.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
[Everyone is ready to go swimming in the studio pool. However, Ross brings out a small Care Bears wading pool]
Christine: Ross, this is a pool for a little child.
Ross: This is a program for a little child.
Christine: Ross, we can't go swimming in this pool. There's no...liquid in it.
Ross: Oh. Well...then nobody's going to drown.
Christine: Ross, this is a pool for a little child.
Ross: This is a program for a little child.
Christine: Ross, we can't go swimming in this pool. There's no...liquid in it.
Ross: Oh. Well...then nobody's going to drown.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Christine: Hi, and welcome to an episode of You Can't Do That On Television that'll really turn your head, and probably your stomach.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Announcer: "Love Connection Short Circuits" will not be seen at this time in order that we may bring you the following heartbreaking show.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Vanessa: Doug, what's the matter?
Doug: I'm doomed. No one on this show has been slimed yet, and I just know I'm going to be the one to get it.
Vanessa: Cheer up, Doug, you've got to think positive. Anyway, what makes you think you're the one who's going to be slimed?
Doug: You know, you're right, Vanessa. Why should I feel so down? I don't know what came over me!
[Doug is slimed]
Vanessa: Well, I guess sometimes you've just gotta go with your feelings!
Doug: I'm doomed. No one on this show has been slimed yet, and I just know I'm going to be the one to get it.
Vanessa: Cheer up, Doug, you've got to think positive. Anyway, what makes you think you're the one who's going to be slimed?
Doug: You know, you're right, Vanessa. Why should I feel so down? I don't know what came over me!
[Doug is slimed]
Vanessa: Well, I guess sometimes you've just gotta go with your feelings!
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Christine: Justin! You ate all the pancakes!
Justin: I was hungry. Next time don't get up so late.
Christine: "Next" time? What about this time?! I was all set to come in here and pour the syrup over a big stack of hot pancakes!
Justin: Well, find something else to pour your syrup over.
Christine: [Laughing] All right, I will.
[Christine pours the syrup over Justin's head.]
Marjorie: Justin, is that what they call "Sweet Revenge"?
Justin: [Tasting the syrup] Guess so.
Justin: I was hungry. Next time don't get up so late.
Christine: "Next" time? What about this time?! I was all set to come in here and pour the syrup over a big stack of hot pancakes!
Justin: Well, find something else to pour your syrup over.
Christine: [Laughing] All right, I will.
[Christine pours the syrup over Justin's head.]
Marjorie: Justin, is that what they call "Sweet Revenge"?
Justin: [Tasting the syrup] Guess so.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Christine: Oh, Lisa?
Lisa: Yes, Moosie?
Christine: How did you learn to act? Did you take acting lessons, or did you just kind of watch other actors?
Lisa: I guess I learned by watching other actors.
Christine: That's what I thought. You know what they say, "Monkey see, monkey do." Announcer: Wild Wild Kingdom will not be seen at this time. In its place we present a program in which people act like animals.
Lisa: Yes, Moosie?
Christine: How did you learn to act? Did you take acting lessons, or did you just kind of watch other actors?
Lisa: I guess I learned by watching other actors.
Christine: That's what I thought. You know what they say, "Monkey see, monkey do." Announcer: Wild Wild Kingdom will not be seen at this time. In its place we present a program in which people act like animals.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
[Christine is doing her screen test for You Can't Do That On Television - The Movie.]
Christine: "Hi, and welcome to You Can't Do That On Television, The Movie. Don't ask me what it's about, because I..." um, I was wondering, would it be possible to change a few lines?
Director Frederico Panzarotti: No, no, Christine, it's gotta be read exactly as it's written.
Christine: Well, it's just that...
Panzarotti: No, no - listen, kid, you wanna be in the movies?
Christine: Yes, of course I do.
Panzarotti: Then READ THE LINES!
Christine: "Hi, and welcome to You Can't Do That On Television, The Movie. Don't ask me what it's about... because I don't know."
[Christine is slimed.]
Christine: "Hi, and welcome to You Can't Do That On Television, The Movie. Don't ask me what it's about, because I..." um, I was wondering, would it be possible to change a few lines?
Director Frederico Panzarotti: No, no, Christine, it's gotta be read exactly as it's written.
Christine: Well, it's just that...
Panzarotti: No, no - listen, kid, you wanna be in the movies?
Christine: Yes, of course I do.
Panzarotti: Then READ THE LINES!
Christine: "Hi, and welcome to You Can't Do That On Television, The Movie. Don't ask me what it's about... because I don't know."
[Christine is slimed.]
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Lisa: [grousing about having to go to the drive-in movie] Oh, I hate sitting in the car and getting bitten by bugs!
Alasdair: The food is terrible, and the video games at the snack bar are out of date!
Mom: Well, you'll have a nice time, children, really.
Lisa: Are we going to same old stupid drive-in on Highway 41? We're always the only car there!
Sen. Prevert: I'll tell you why we're going there - because that's where I asked your mother to marry me.
Lisa: Oh? Well, what was the movie?
Mom: Bride of Frankenstein.
Lisa: Sounds right to me.
Sen. Prevert: LIIIIISA! Don't encourage your mother!
Alasdair: The food is terrible, and the video games at the snack bar are out of date!
Mom: Well, you'll have a nice time, children, really.
Lisa: Are we going to same old stupid drive-in on Highway 41? We're always the only car there!
Sen. Prevert: I'll tell you why we're going there - because that's where I asked your mother to marry me.
Lisa: Oh? Well, what was the movie?
Mom: Bride of Frankenstein.
Lisa: Sounds right to me.
Sen. Prevert: LIIIIISA! Don't encourage your mother!
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Adam: Mom, why are you screaming?
Mrs. Prevert: I'm screaming because of the beatles!
Adam: I know the Beatles were a great rock group, and people used to scream at their concerts. But that was a long time ago. Besides, I don't hear any of their music.
Mrs. Prevert: I'm not screaming at those beatles, I'm screaming because of those beatles! (points at some real beetles on the floor. Adam gets on the chair as well.)
Mrs. Prevert: I'm screaming because of the beatles!
Adam: I know the Beatles were a great rock group, and people used to scream at their concerts. But that was a long time ago. Besides, I don't hear any of their music.
Mrs. Prevert: I'm not screaming at those beatles, I'm screaming because of those beatles! (points at some real beetles on the floor. Adam gets on the chair as well.)
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Adam: Now I'm telling you, Alanis, the rolling stones really do live in there.
Alanis: The Rolling Stones? Are you sure?
Adam: Yeah. Now come on, let's get out of here, this is dangerous.
Alanis: [running up to the front door] Are you kidding? And miss a chance at getting their autographs? Oh, that Mick Jagger is such a hunk... I can't wait to see them... [rings the doorbell]
Adam: [trying to stop Alanis from ringing the bell] Wait a minute! ... I don't mean THOSE Rolling Stones, Alanis!
[Alanis opens the front door, then screams and quickly runs off to avoid a barrage of giant rocks rolling toward her.]
Adam: [getting crushed by the giant rocks] I mean THOSE rolling stones! AAAAHHH!
Alanis: The Rolling Stones? Are you sure?
Adam: Yeah. Now come on, let's get out of here, this is dangerous.
Alanis: [running up to the front door] Are you kidding? And miss a chance at getting their autographs? Oh, that Mick Jagger is such a hunk... I can't wait to see them... [rings the doorbell]
Adam: [trying to stop Alanis from ringing the bell] Wait a minute! ... I don't mean THOSE Rolling Stones, Alanis!
[Alanis opens the front door, then screams and quickly runs off to avoid a barrage of giant rocks rolling toward her.]
Adam: [getting crushed by the giant rocks] I mean THOSE rolling stones! AAAAHHH!
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
[Vanessa and Christine are lost in the woods.]
Vanessa: I'm starving! Are these berries edible?
Christine: Vanessa, those are gooseberries. Of course they're edible. They're full of Protein and Vitamin A.
Vanessa: Boy, I sure am glad I got stuck in the woods with an expert like you!
[Vanessa eats some of the berries, and then a few seconds later gasps, clutches her throat, and falls over dead.]
Christine: [Laughing] Of course, silly me! I should have noticed the deep red coloring sooner. This is obviously Deadly Nightshade! Highly poisonous. Boy, do I feel dumb.
Vanessa: I'm starving! Are these berries edible?
Christine: Vanessa, those are gooseberries. Of course they're edible. They're full of Protein and Vitamin A.
Vanessa: Boy, I sure am glad I got stuck in the woods with an expert like you!
[Vanessa eats some of the berries, and then a few seconds later gasps, clutches her throat, and falls over dead.]
Christine: [Laughing] Of course, silly me! I should have noticed the deep red coloring sooner. This is obviously Deadly Nightshade! Highly poisonous. Boy, do I feel dumb.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Alanis: If there's one thing I know, it's how to get attention at parties.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Alasdair: Alanis, if you won't go to the network party with me, I'll just have to kill myself, that's all.
Alanis: Oh Alasdair, how touching. I really want to help you... all right.
Alasdair: You'll come?
Alanis: No, I'll go.
Alasdair: Great!
Alanis: I'll go see if I can find my father's gun.
Alanis: Oh Alasdair, how touching. I really want to help you... all right.
Alasdair: You'll come?
Alanis: No, I'll go.
Alasdair: Great!
Alanis: I'll go see if I can find my father's gun.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Principal: All right Adam, I want you to copy pages 7 to 9,742 in this dictionary.
Adam: Sir, you can't make me stay here! It's my birthday today! I'm having guests over, a big party, a cake, everything!
Principal: Oh. Your birthday, you say? Well, in that case, I might let you off...
Adam: Oh, thank you, sir...
Principal: I said, might let you off, if you hadn't used that excuse at least 15 times this year, and I don't remember how many times last year. Do you think I'm stupid? I'm not falling for that again.
Adam: But sir, it really IS my birthday today!
Principal: Do you think that I'm an idiot? If you'd had as many birthdays as you've claimed in the last couple of years, you'd be... 75 years of age.
Adam: ("old man" voice) Well, how clever of you to work that out, sir! I'm actually 75 today! And you wouldn't put an old man through detention, would you? (clutches his chest as though he were having a heart attack) My heart can't take it.
Principal: (rushes to help Adam out of his seat and to the door) Oh! No! Easy, sir! Come along now... oh, by the way, happy birthday.
Adam: ("old man" voice) Thank you, young lad!
Principal: And many happy returns, sir. Bye-bye!
Adam: (leaving detention room) Bye!
Principal: And have a good day.
Adam: Sir, you can't make me stay here! It's my birthday today! I'm having guests over, a big party, a cake, everything!
Principal: Oh. Your birthday, you say? Well, in that case, I might let you off...
Adam: Oh, thank you, sir...
Principal: I said, might let you off, if you hadn't used that excuse at least 15 times this year, and I don't remember how many times last year. Do you think I'm stupid? I'm not falling for that again.
Adam: But sir, it really IS my birthday today!
Principal: Do you think that I'm an idiot? If you'd had as many birthdays as you've claimed in the last couple of years, you'd be... 75 years of age.
Adam: ("old man" voice) Well, how clever of you to work that out, sir! I'm actually 75 today! And you wouldn't put an old man through detention, would you? (clutches his chest as though he were having a heart attack) My heart can't take it.
Principal: (rushes to help Adam out of his seat and to the door) Oh! No! Easy, sir! Come along now... oh, by the way, happy birthday.
Adam: ("old man" voice) Thank you, young lad!
Principal: And many happy returns, sir. Bye-bye!
Adam: (leaving detention room) Bye!
Principal: And have a good day.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
(Alasdair, Alanis, Adam and Kai are partying in the living room and having a wonderful time, when they hear their parents' voices outside the door.)
Mrs. Prevert: Children! We're home from the convention!
Mr. Prevert: Hi kids!
Alasdair: Oh no! We weren't supposed to be having a party! Quick, clean up!
Adam: They'll kill us!
(The children frantically begin trying to clean up the messy living room, but don't get far when the door opens and Mom and Dad enter.)
Mr. Prevert: (sees mess) HEY! Whaaaat's been goin' on here?!
Adam: Well...
Alasdair: Some... some... some bunch of burglars broke in here and tied us all up, and then they went really wild and crazy and had a party!
Kai: And... and you should have seen the Pin the Tail on the Donkey game! It was terrible!
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, no! Are you kids all right?
Alasdair: Well, we're kind of in shock right now.
Mr. Prevert: Okay, listen - I am gonna call the police.
Alanis: Dad, don't be too hard on them, you know, just because they didn't clean up the place.
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, don't you worry, Alanis. Those burglars are going to get their just deserts. You see (holds up fish bone), those burglars ate some salmon that was contaminated with food poisoning, and they are all going to be very sick any minute now.
(The kids immediately get sick and begin to throw up.)
Mrs. Prevert: Children! We're home from the convention!
Mr. Prevert: Hi kids!
Alasdair: Oh no! We weren't supposed to be having a party! Quick, clean up!
Adam: They'll kill us!
(The children frantically begin trying to clean up the messy living room, but don't get far when the door opens and Mom and Dad enter.)
Mr. Prevert: (sees mess) HEY! Whaaaat's been goin' on here?!
Adam: Well...
Alasdair: Some... some... some bunch of burglars broke in here and tied us all up, and then they went really wild and crazy and had a party!
Kai: And... and you should have seen the Pin the Tail on the Donkey game! It was terrible!
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, no! Are you kids all right?
Alasdair: Well, we're kind of in shock right now.
Mr. Prevert: Okay, listen - I am gonna call the police.
Alanis: Dad, don't be too hard on them, you know, just because they didn't clean up the place.
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, don't you worry, Alanis. Those burglars are going to get their just deserts. You see (holds up fish bone), those burglars ate some salmon that was contaminated with food poisoning, and they are all going to be very sick any minute now.
(The kids immediately get sick and begin to throw up.)
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Mrs. Prevert: Yuck! Oh, however am I going to get rid of all this oven grease?!
[A puff of smoke, and the Jiffy Genie (Doug) appears.]
Jiffy Genie: You need the Jiffy Genie!
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, Jiffy Genie, can you get rid of all this oven grease?
Jiffy Genie: In a flash, ma'am!
[The Jiffy Genie waves his hands, there is another puff of smoke, and the oven disappears completely. Mrs. Prevert screams and wails.]
Les: [Voiceover] Yes, with Jiffy Genie, you'll never have oven grease again!
Jiffy Genie: [To camera] You'll never have an oven, period!
[A puff of smoke, and the Jiffy Genie (Doug) appears.]
Jiffy Genie: You need the Jiffy Genie!
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, Jiffy Genie, can you get rid of all this oven grease?
Jiffy Genie: In a flash, ma'am!
[The Jiffy Genie waves his hands, there is another puff of smoke, and the oven disappears completely. Mrs. Prevert screams and wails.]
Les: [Voiceover] Yes, with Jiffy Genie, you'll never have oven grease again!
Jiffy Genie: [To camera] You'll never have an oven, period!
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
[Alasdair Gillis, Doug Ptolemy and Robert Enns are seated on the bench in their football uniforms, furiously scratching their itchy feet.]
Robert: This itching is driving me crazy!
Alasdair: Me too. I wish there were something we could do to get rid of it.
[Enter the Coach, carrying a can of foot powder.]
Coach: Itch no more! He-Man Foot Powder is here! It'll not only cure the itch, but your feet will smell like a rose.
Doug: Just what we've been looking for!
[The boys excitedly sprinkle the powder on their feet.]
Alasdair: OW! This kills!
Coach: But has the itching stopped?
Robert: Yes, the itching has stopped, but now our feet hurt from the thorns!
Coach: And they smell like roses! [To the camera] He-Man Foot Spray! Ya can't take it, yer not a man!
(The boys begin to cry and wail.)
Robert: This itching is driving me crazy!
Alasdair: Me too. I wish there were something we could do to get rid of it.
[Enter the Coach, carrying a can of foot powder.]
Coach: Itch no more! He-Man Foot Powder is here! It'll not only cure the itch, but your feet will smell like a rose.
Doug: Just what we've been looking for!
[The boys excitedly sprinkle the powder on their feet.]
Alasdair: OW! This kills!
Coach: But has the itching stopped?
Robert: Yes, the itching has stopped, but now our feet hurt from the thorns!
Coach: And they smell like roses! [To the camera] He-Man Foot Spray! Ya can't take it, yer not a man!
(The boys begin to cry and wail.)
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television