You Can't Do That on Television Quotes
[A door-to-door saleswoman (Alanis) walks up to the Preverts' front door and rings the bell. Mrs. Prevert answers, her red hair in curlers.]
Mrs. Prevert: Yes, dear?
Alanis: Ravon Calling! Good morning or afternoon, sir or madam, as the case may be. As advertised on television, we would like to offer you a beauty program that will leave you looking years younger. Try our new beauty cream absolutely free of charge.
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, I certainly will! Oh!
[Mrs. Prevert excitedly rubs some of the cream on her cheeks. A puff of smoke, and she is transformed into a little girl.]
Young Mrs. Prevert: (Stephanie) Wow, it really works! I feel years younger!
[Young Mrs. Prevert excitedly reaches for more cream.]
Alanis: No, don't take any more... I wouldn't recommend it...
[Mrs. Prevert rubs more cream on her cheeks anyway. Another puff of smoke, and she is transformed into an infant (doll).]
Alanis: (Picking up Mrs. Prevert) The manual never said anything about this!
Mrs. Prevert: Yes, dear?
Alanis: Ravon Calling! Good morning or afternoon, sir or madam, as the case may be. As advertised on television, we would like to offer you a beauty program that will leave you looking years younger. Try our new beauty cream absolutely free of charge.
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, I certainly will! Oh!
[Mrs. Prevert excitedly rubs some of the cream on her cheeks. A puff of smoke, and she is transformed into a little girl.]
Young Mrs. Prevert: (Stephanie) Wow, it really works! I feel years younger!
[Young Mrs. Prevert excitedly reaches for more cream.]
Alanis: No, don't take any more... I wouldn't recommend it...
[Mrs. Prevert rubs more cream on her cheeks anyway. Another puff of smoke, and she is transformed into an infant (doll).]
Alanis: (Picking up Mrs. Prevert) The manual never said anything about this!
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Mrs. Prevert: (entering the bedroom, where Doug and Jody are lying in their individual beds, sneezing and sniffling) Okay boys, it's time for school, you're going to be late. Up, up!
Doug: We can't, mom. These allergies are (sneezes) really getting to us!
Jody: My nose, my body aches all over!
Mrs. Prevert: Well, perhaps you boys had better stay home. There is a lot of that pollen stuff in the air. (leaves)
Doug: Can you believe that?! She bought it! (produces a pepper mill from under his bedclothes) These pepper mills are a real lifesaver.
Mrs. Prevert: (returning, holding some blankets, a pot and a humidifier) Okay! I've closed all the windows, and I'm going to steam up the room, and here's some extra blankets, and I'm going to take your temperature, Jody, open your mouth. That's it. And lots and lots of chicken soup; (to rubber chicken in the pot) Elmo, sit still. Oh, you're going to be better in no time! (leaves)
Jody: Oh, great idea, Doug. Now we've gotta stay in this torture chamber all day!
Doug: I think I'd rather go to school.
Doug: We can't, mom. These allergies are (sneezes) really getting to us!
Jody: My nose, my body aches all over!
Mrs. Prevert: Well, perhaps you boys had better stay home. There is a lot of that pollen stuff in the air. (leaves)
Doug: Can you believe that?! She bought it! (produces a pepper mill from under his bedclothes) These pepper mills are a real lifesaver.
Mrs. Prevert: (returning, holding some blankets, a pot and a humidifier) Okay! I've closed all the windows, and I'm going to steam up the room, and here's some extra blankets, and I'm going to take your temperature, Jody, open your mouth. That's it. And lots and lots of chicken soup; (to rubber chicken in the pot) Elmo, sit still. Oh, you're going to be better in no time! (leaves)
Jody: Oh, great idea, Doug. Now we've gotta stay in this torture chamber all day!
Doug: I think I'd rather go to school.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
(Doug, the paperboy, walks up to the Preverts' front step to collect his fee. Mr. and Mrs. Prevert, who have spots all over their faces, are holding a sign that says "QUARANTINE.")
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, keep away, little boy! It isn't safe!
Doug: What is this?!
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, young man, we're under quarantine, can't you see? You have to stay away.
Doug: Listen lady, I don't care if you're under quarantine. I've come to get the money for the paper, and I'm gonna get it, you know.
Mr. Prevert: Hey kid, we'd love to pay ya. Can't you read, we're under quarantine! We have got "spotted faaaaaaaceatosis"! You catch it and you die! I'm sorry!
Doug: (scared) Oh, well that's okay then. Maybe I'll come back next week, and - and - and I'll get my money then, okay? (runs off quickly, leaving his bag of papers behind)
Mr./Mrs. Prevert: Bye!
Mr. Prevert: Nice boy.
Mrs. Prevert: Oh Lance, this quarantine idea of yours is sheer genius! (begins to rub some of the spots off her face, revealing the spots to be only ink) Ever since we pretended we had "spotted faceatosis," well, we've saved all kinds of money! My goodness, we haven't had to pay the milkman, the vacuum cleaner repairman, the car salesman, it's wonderful. You're a genius.
Mr. Prevert: Genius? Valerie, I really have got spotted faaaaaceatosis. I think you've got it too.
Mrs. Prevert: What?
Mr. Prevert: (pointing to a spot on Valerie's nose) That one ain't gonna come off.
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, keep away, little boy! It isn't safe!
Doug: What is this?!
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, young man, we're under quarantine, can't you see? You have to stay away.
Doug: Listen lady, I don't care if you're under quarantine. I've come to get the money for the paper, and I'm gonna get it, you know.
Mr. Prevert: Hey kid, we'd love to pay ya. Can't you read, we're under quarantine! We have got "spotted faaaaaaaceatosis"! You catch it and you die! I'm sorry!
Doug: (scared) Oh, well that's okay then. Maybe I'll come back next week, and - and - and I'll get my money then, okay? (runs off quickly, leaving his bag of papers behind)
Mr./Mrs. Prevert: Bye!
Mr. Prevert: Nice boy.
Mrs. Prevert: Oh Lance, this quarantine idea of yours is sheer genius! (begins to rub some of the spots off her face, revealing the spots to be only ink) Ever since we pretended we had "spotted faceatosis," well, we've saved all kinds of money! My goodness, we haven't had to pay the milkman, the vacuum cleaner repairman, the car salesman, it's wonderful. You're a genius.
Mr. Prevert: Genius? Valerie, I really have got spotted faaaaaceatosis. I think you've got it too.
Mrs. Prevert: What?
Mr. Prevert: (pointing to a spot on Valerie's nose) That one ain't gonna come off.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Doug: (he and Jody are in their bathrobes, in the washroom) I'm not going to school today. We have a spelling bee and I didn't study.
Jody: Mom's not gonna let you stay home for that.
Doug: I know, but she's not going to let a sick kid go to school, is she? Watch. (fills a pitcher with water from the tap, walks over to the toilet, and while pouring the water into the toilet bowl, makes retching sounds)
Mrs. Prevert: Did I just hear someone being sick in the toilet?
Doug: Yes mom!
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, well, whoever it was certainly can't go to school today. So, I want you boys to finish getting dressed (walks over to the toilet and picks up the empty pitcher) while I put this poor little jug to bed. Oh, there there, little jug, yes. And Dougie, hurry up and put your clothes on, unless you want to go to school in your bathrobe.
Jody: Mom's not gonna let you stay home for that.
Doug: I know, but she's not going to let a sick kid go to school, is she? Watch. (fills a pitcher with water from the tap, walks over to the toilet, and while pouring the water into the toilet bowl, makes retching sounds)
Mrs. Prevert: Did I just hear someone being sick in the toilet?
Doug: Yes mom!
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, well, whoever it was certainly can't go to school today. So, I want you boys to finish getting dressed (walks over to the toilet and picks up the empty pitcher) while I put this poor little jug to bed. Oh, there there, little jug, yes. And Dougie, hurry up and put your clothes on, unless you want to go to school in your bathrobe.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Alanis: Ugh! Mom, this food is disgusting! I wouldn't feed this to my worst enemy.
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, neither would I, dear. I love you, Alanis; in fact, no one could be closer to me than you are, so I didn't give it to my worst enemy - I gave it to you. Now EAT IT, young lady, every forkful! There's nothing wrong with pureed rutabager! In! Two, three!
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, neither would I, dear. I love you, Alanis; in fact, no one could be closer to me than you are, so I didn't give it to my worst enemy - I gave it to you. Now EAT IT, young lady, every forkful! There's nothing wrong with pureed rutabager! In! Two, three!
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Alasdair: Ross, if you think I'm going to wear this (bleep, bleep) sailor outfit, you can just (bleep, bleep)!
Vanessa: Alasdair, why did you get bleeped? And we weren't even using bad language.
Alasdair: You know, Vanessa you're right. I don't know what I said wrong.
(Alasdair is slimed. More bleeping is heard and James comes in with a remote control)
James: Hey guys, have you seen this neat gizmo? It sure makes a cool bleeping noise.
Alasdair: (bleep, bleep, bleep)!
James: What do all those words mean?
Vanessa: You're too young to know James. That is what they call real bleeping.
Vanessa: Alasdair, why did you get bleeped? And we weren't even using bad language.
Alasdair: You know, Vanessa you're right. I don't know what I said wrong.
(Alasdair is slimed. More bleeping is heard and James comes in with a remote control)
James: Hey guys, have you seen this neat gizmo? It sure makes a cool bleeping noise.
Alasdair: (bleep, bleep, bleep)!
James: What do all those words mean?
Vanessa: You're too young to know James. That is what they call real bleeping.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Mr. Schidtler: Well. Is this what you have to present for Show and Tell Alasdair?
(Alasdair is standing apparently naked with a black square over his groin)
Alasdair: Yes sir.
Jodie: Kind of a funny color isn't it?
Vanessa: I can't see anything. (to the camera) Get rid of that stupid black band!
(the black square disappears to reveal Alasdair wearing Hawaiian shorts. Vanessa screams)
Alasdair: Hey, if you think that's neat, wait till you see what else my parents brought back from Hawaii! (puts on a lei.)
Vanessa: Ohhhh. (to the camera) Put the black band back! (the black square reappears) No! I mean on his face! (the black square moves over Alasdair's face.)
(Alasdair is standing apparently naked with a black square over his groin)
Alasdair: Yes sir.
Jodie: Kind of a funny color isn't it?
Vanessa: I can't see anything. (to the camera) Get rid of that stupid black band!
(the black square disappears to reveal Alasdair wearing Hawaiian shorts. Vanessa screams)
Alasdair: Hey, if you think that's neat, wait till you see what else my parents brought back from Hawaii! (puts on a lei.)
Vanessa: Ohhhh. (to the camera) Put the black band back! (the black square reappears) No! I mean on his face! (the black square moves over Alasdair's face.)
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Ross: There! Five minutes. That about to be enough time for you to clean your language young man!
Doug: Oh Ross, get me something to wash the taste away!
Ross: Like what?
Doug: Water, anything, quick!
Doug: Oh Ross, get me something to wash the taste away!
Ross: Like what?
Doug: Water, anything, quick!
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Doug: (Bleep, bleep, bleep)!
Ross: (Talking to the producer) I agree.
Doug: (Bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep)!
Ross: Worst (bleep) that I've ever heard.
Doug: (Bleep, bleep, bleep)!
Ross: How about five minutes more?
Doug: (Bleep, bleep, bleep).
Ross: Open up. (Shoves the soap back in Doug's mouth.)
Ross: (Talking to the producer) I agree.
Doug: (Bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep)!
Ross: Worst (bleep) that I've ever heard.
Doug: (Bleep, bleep, bleep)!
Ross: How about five minutes more?
Doug: (Bleep, bleep, bleep).
Ross: Open up. (Shoves the soap back in Doug's mouth.)
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Doug: What's the matter Alasdair? Are you shy or something?
Alasdair: No I'm not Doug.
Doug: But Alasdair, we're brothers. We've been changing in this room for years.
Alasdair: Yeah I know Doug, but look at this.
(Alasdair has a black square over his groin)
Doug: Oh Alasdair. This censorship stuff is getting ridiculous!
Alasdair: Yeah, so is having TV CAMERAS IN YOUR BEDROOM!! Well let's get em!
Doug: (grabbing a baseball bat) Ok, I'm going for a home run!
Alasdair: Go now!
Doug: Ready? (Swings the bat at the camera)
Alasdair: No I'm not Doug.
Doug: But Alasdair, we're brothers. We've been changing in this room for years.
Alasdair: Yeah I know Doug, but look at this.
(Alasdair has a black square over his groin)
Doug: Oh Alasdair. This censorship stuff is getting ridiculous!
Alasdair: Yeah, so is having TV CAMERAS IN YOUR BEDROOM!! Well let's get em!
Doug: (grabbing a baseball bat) Ok, I'm going for a home run!
Alasdair: Go now!
Doug: Ready? (Swings the bat at the camera)
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Film announcer: (while all the kids sitting in the movie theater are cut down by a barrage of bullets) Coming soon to a theater near you, "RAMBO KILLS EVERYONE"! See Rambo shoot your friends. See him kill you! See Rambo shoot everyone in the whole world without having to reload his machine gun once. "RAMBO KILLS EVERYONE"!!!!
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Doug: Where do these things come from anyways?
Alasdair: Well afterwards they're put on as a special effect.
Doug: You mean they're not really here and the people in the studio can see whats underneath them?
Alasdair: Yep Doug, that's exactly right.
Doug: The cameraman? Everyone?
Alasdair: Yes Doug, they can all see your shorts.
(they step out of the black squares to reveal that they are wearing shorts)
Alasdair: Well afterwards they're put on as a special effect.
Doug: You mean they're not really here and the people in the studio can see whats underneath them?
Alasdair: Yep Doug, that's exactly right.
Doug: The cameraman? Everyone?
Alasdair: Yes Doug, they can all see your shorts.
(they step out of the black squares to reveal that they are wearing shorts)
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
(Vanessa and Doug are playing cards as Valerie enters)
Vanessa: I'm in luck! Three sevens, Dougie! I won! Peel.
Valerie: (gasping) Children! I would be horrified that you would be playing like strip poker! It's immoral!
Doug: No, mom, not strip poker, food poker. (He peels a banana.)
Valerie: Oh. I've never head of food poker. I'm sorry, Dougie. I don't know what I was thinking of.
Doug: By the way, mom, what is strip poker?
Valerie: Never you mind, young man. Just eat that banana.
Vanessa: Hey, Dougie, wanna play another hand, double or nothing?
Vanessa: I'm in luck! Three sevens, Dougie! I won! Peel.
Valerie: (gasping) Children! I would be horrified that you would be playing like strip poker! It's immoral!
Doug: No, mom, not strip poker, food poker. (He peels a banana.)
Valerie: Oh. I've never head of food poker. I'm sorry, Dougie. I don't know what I was thinking of.
Doug: By the way, mom, what is strip poker?
Valerie: Never you mind, young man. Just eat that banana.
Vanessa: Hey, Dougie, wanna play another hand, double or nothing?
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
[Mrs. Prevert is washing a stack of books in the sink.]
Adam: Mom! What are you doing?
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, hello Adam. I was just washing some dirty books I found in your father's closet.
Adam: Mom, you're ruining them!
Mrs. Prevert: (faking concern) Oh, am I, dear?
Adam: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you? I'm going to go tell Dad.
Mrs. Prevert: That's a good idea, dear. While you're at it, why don't you tell him that I just finished washing the dirty books I found in your closet. Your father would probably be very pleased to know that you have similar tastes in literature.
Adam: ...Okay, maybe I won't then.
Mrs. Prevert: Wise move.
Adam: Mom! What are you doing?
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, hello Adam. I was just washing some dirty books I found in your father's closet.
Adam: Mom, you're ruining them!
Mrs. Prevert: (faking concern) Oh, am I, dear?
Adam: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you? I'm going to go tell Dad.
Mrs. Prevert: That's a good idea, dear. While you're at it, why don't you tell him that I just finished washing the dirty books I found in your closet. Your father would probably be very pleased to know that you have similar tastes in literature.
Adam: ...Okay, maybe I won't then.
Mrs. Prevert: Wise move.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
(Mrs. Prevert is coming Matthew's hair; Matthew is wearing a nice pink dress)
Matthew: Mother, you CAN'T do this to me!
Mrs. Prevert: Oh yes I can, Matthew. I read all about it in the National Scab. It said that through technological advances, mothers can now actually pick the sex of their children! And Matthew, I always wanted you to be a girl.
Matthew: But Mother, that is for mothers who are GOING to have children! Did you read all of the article?
Mrs. Prevert: Well, no, Matthew. The checkout line at the supermarket was moving so fast, I would have had to pay for the magazine if I wanted to read the whole thing.
Matthew: Mother, you CAN'T do this to me!
Mrs. Prevert: Oh yes I can, Matthew. I read all about it in the National Scab. It said that through technological advances, mothers can now actually pick the sex of their children! And Matthew, I always wanted you to be a girl.
Matthew: But Mother, that is for mothers who are GOING to have children! Did you read all of the article?
Mrs. Prevert: Well, no, Matthew. The checkout line at the supermarket was moving so fast, I would have had to pay for the magazine if I wanted to read the whole thing.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Amyas: I dreamed I was adopted!
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, no, Amyas, you were just having a nightmare, dear.
Amyas: No, it wasn't a nightmare. I dreamed I was adopted by a mother who let me stay up late to watch all my favorite TV shows and never fed me liver and brussels sprouts!
Mrs. Prevert: You know, Amyas, that's a remarkable coincidence. I, too, had a nightmare.
Amyas: Really?
Mrs. Prevert: Yes, nine years ago - YOU. Good night, dear.
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, no, Amyas, you were just having a nightmare, dear.
Amyas: No, it wasn't a nightmare. I dreamed I was adopted by a mother who let me stay up late to watch all my favorite TV shows and never fed me liver and brussels sprouts!
Mrs. Prevert: You know, Amyas, that's a remarkable coincidence. I, too, had a nightmare.
Amyas: Really?
Mrs. Prevert: Yes, nine years ago - YOU. Good night, dear.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Mrs. Prevert: (brings out birthday cake) Okay Dougie, make a wish and blow them out!
(Doug blows out all of the candles except one.)
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, Dougie, you missed one candle - that means you don't get your wish. However, I believe that as your mother, if I can blow out that candle, I get a wish of my very own!!! (she blows out the candle) I wish... I wish...
(A puff of smoke, and Doug is now wearing a curly blonde wig and a pink dress.)
Doug: WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?!?
Mrs. Prevert: I got my wish! Oh Dougie, I always wished you were a little girl!
Adam: (to Doug) Hey baby, wanna go out for a night on the town?
(Doug blows out all of the candles except one.)
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, Dougie, you missed one candle - that means you don't get your wish. However, I believe that as your mother, if I can blow out that candle, I get a wish of my very own!!! (she blows out the candle) I wish... I wish...
(A puff of smoke, and Doug is now wearing a curly blonde wig and a pink dress.)
Doug: WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?!?
Mrs. Prevert: I got my wish! Oh Dougie, I always wished you were a little girl!
Adam: (to Doug) Hey baby, wanna go out for a night on the town?
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Mrs. Prevert: Matthew, I have baked a cake in honour of the most important day in a young man's life!
Doug: Hey, happy birthday, Matt! I didn't know it was your birthday!
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, no, no, today isn't Matthew's birthday. Today is the anniversary of the day a mother most looks forward to!...
Matthew: Mother, not in front of my friends!...
Mrs. Prevert: Today, is the anniversary, of the day Matthew was potty-trained!
(Matthew puts his head down in embarrassment while the other kids laugh)
Mrs. Prevert: Four years ago today! And to celebrate, I baked a cake in the shape of a potty, with little bits of... well, made out of chocolate.
Barth (in Barth's Burgery): D'oh, why use chocolate? What's wrong with the real, natural ingredients?
(cut back to the living room, where Matthew and his friends are now throwing up into the potty-shaped cake)
Mrs. Prevert: (angry) Now you see what you've done? Now they have ruined the cake!
Doug: Hey, happy birthday, Matt! I didn't know it was your birthday!
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, no, no, today isn't Matthew's birthday. Today is the anniversary of the day a mother most looks forward to!...
Matthew: Mother, not in front of my friends!...
Mrs. Prevert: Today, is the anniversary, of the day Matthew was potty-trained!
(Matthew puts his head down in embarrassment while the other kids laugh)
Mrs. Prevert: Four years ago today! And to celebrate, I baked a cake in the shape of a potty, with little bits of... well, made out of chocolate.
Barth (in Barth's Burgery): D'oh, why use chocolate? What's wrong with the real, natural ingredients?
(cut back to the living room, where Matthew and his friends are now throwing up into the potty-shaped cake)
Mrs. Prevert: (angry) Now you see what you've done? Now they have ruined the cake!
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
[Halloween night. Mrs. Prevert, dressed in a witch's custom and talking in a high-pitched cackle like a witch, is handing out candy. Chris and Ted walk up to her door dressed in their normal clothes.]
Mrs. Prevert: Aren't you supposed to take a little more trouble with your costumes?
Ted: No way!
Chris: Lady, dressing up is for little kids. Now listen, we've got a lot of houses to cover, we gotta fill these things up, so why don't you just give us the candy.
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, well, at least give me a choice of trick or treat.
Chris: That's funny. Don't treat us like kids. Give me the candy and give him the candy.
Mrs. Prevert: No! Say "Trick or Treat"!
Chris and Ted: Fine! TRICK OR TREAT!
Chris: Now give us the candy.
Mrs. Prevert: No! You gave me the choice, and I choose TRICK! HA HA HA HAAA!!! Alakazoom, alakaZAM!!!
[Mrs. Prevert changes Chris into a frog.]
Ted: Chris? [picking up the frog, wearing a tiny leather jacket] Chris??? [flees in terror]
Mrs. Prevert: AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!! AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!
Mrs. Prevert: Aren't you supposed to take a little more trouble with your costumes?
Ted: No way!
Chris: Lady, dressing up is for little kids. Now listen, we've got a lot of houses to cover, we gotta fill these things up, so why don't you just give us the candy.
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, well, at least give me a choice of trick or treat.
Chris: That's funny. Don't treat us like kids. Give me the candy and give him the candy.
Mrs. Prevert: No! Say "Trick or Treat"!
Chris and Ted: Fine! TRICK OR TREAT!
Chris: Now give us the candy.
Mrs. Prevert: No! You gave me the choice, and I choose TRICK! HA HA HA HAAA!!! Alakazoom, alakaZAM!!!
[Mrs. Prevert changes Chris into a frog.]
Ted: Chris? [picking up the frog, wearing a tiny leather jacket] Chris??? [flees in terror]
Mrs. Prevert: AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!! AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
(Mr. and Mrs. Prevert, Chris and Sariya are sitting around the dinner table eating.)
Mr. Prevert: Y'know, Chris, I know that when I was going to high school, none of the girls was as pretty as Sariya here.
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, but Lance, you and I were in high school together, dear.
Mr. Prevert: Yeah, that's right.
Mrs. Prevert: You know, Sariya, back in those days, all the girls talked about Chris's father. They couldn't believe any boy had so many zits or such bad breath. The only reason I went out with him is because I felt sorry for him... well, I lost a bet.
Sariya: Mrs. Prevert, I can't believe you would say such a thing.
Mrs. Prevert: Really, dear?
Sariya: That's the exact same reason why I agreed to go out with Chris! (She and Mom both stick their tongues out triumphantly at a chagrined Chris and Mr. Prevert.)
Mr. Prevert: Y'know, Chris, I know that when I was going to high school, none of the girls was as pretty as Sariya here.
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, but Lance, you and I were in high school together, dear.
Mr. Prevert: Yeah, that's right.
Mrs. Prevert: You know, Sariya, back in those days, all the girls talked about Chris's father. They couldn't believe any boy had so many zits or such bad breath. The only reason I went out with him is because I felt sorry for him... well, I lost a bet.
Sariya: Mrs. Prevert, I can't believe you would say such a thing.
Mrs. Prevert: Really, dear?
Sariya: That's the exact same reason why I agreed to go out with Chris! (She and Mom both stick their tongues out triumphantly at a chagrined Chris and Mr. Prevert.)
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Ross Ewich: We've decided that during each link on this show, one of you is going to say the magic words.
Carlos: What magic words, Ross?
Ross: I d-... you know what words! Now Carlos, say them!
Carlos: Me? Why should I say them? No way!
Ross: I am ordering you to!
Carlos: Ross, I don't know who you think you are, but...
[Carlos is slimed]
Carlos: ...but there is no way, I'm going to get, green slimed.
[The other kids and Ross laugh]
Carlos: What magic words, Ross?
Ross: I d-... you know what words! Now Carlos, say them!
Carlos: Me? Why should I say them? No way!
Ross: I am ordering you to!
Carlos: Ross, I don't know who you think you are, but...
[Carlos is slimed]
Carlos: ...but there is no way, I'm going to get, green slimed.
[The other kids and Ross laugh]
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Mrs. Prevert: (on the phone) I'm sorry, Jennifer can't come to the telephone right now; she's tied up.
(Camera pans out to reveal that Jennifer is literally tied to the armchair.)
Mrs. Prevert: (to Jennifer) And you're going to stay tied up, young lady, until you learn to stop picking your nose!
Jennifer: Mom, as well as not being able to pick my nose, I won't be able to do my homework or my chores, either.
Mrs. Prevert: Oh. Well, then I guess I'd... Oh no you don't, young lady! I'm not falling for that! You never do any homework, and you certainly don't ever do any chores. So ha ha, one for me.
(Mrs. Prevert turns on the TV.)
TV Announcer: For the next five hours, we here at Educational Television are proud to present a performance by the Iranian String Quartet.
Mrs. Prevert: (to a horrified Jennifer) You won't be able to change the channel, either.
(Camera pans out to reveal that Jennifer is literally tied to the armchair.)
Mrs. Prevert: (to Jennifer) And you're going to stay tied up, young lady, until you learn to stop picking your nose!
Jennifer: Mom, as well as not being able to pick my nose, I won't be able to do my homework or my chores, either.
Mrs. Prevert: Oh. Well, then I guess I'd... Oh no you don't, young lady! I'm not falling for that! You never do any homework, and you certainly don't ever do any chores. So ha ha, one for me.
(Mrs. Prevert turns on the TV.)
TV Announcer: For the next five hours, we here at Educational Television are proud to present a performance by the Iranian String Quartet.
Mrs. Prevert: (to a horrified Jennifer) You won't be able to change the channel, either.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Stephanie: Vanessa, how does it feel to be back on the show this time around?
Vanessa: Well, at first I thought it was going to be awful, but actually it's not that bad.
Ross: Oh yeah? It's all right now, but wait until we really get into this show. We found out there's a lot of stuff that you owe us.
Vanessa: Oh really? Like what?
[Vanessa is slimed]
Vanessa: What's this?!
Ross: Well Vanessa, it just so happens that that Adoption show that I mentioned, you said the magic words and the slime did not come down. So, you owe us one.
Vanessa: But Ross, that's not fair! I didn't even say "I don't know."
[Vanessa is slimed again]
Ross: We appreciate your generosity Vanessa, but you only owed us one not two slimes.
Vanessa: Ross, I wasn't being generous.
Ross: Oh, of course not. You're stupid like the old days.
Vanessa: Well, at first I thought it was going to be awful, but actually it's not that bad.
Ross: Oh yeah? It's all right now, but wait until we really get into this show. We found out there's a lot of stuff that you owe us.
Vanessa: Oh really? Like what?
[Vanessa is slimed]
Vanessa: What's this?!
Ross: Well Vanessa, it just so happens that that Adoption show that I mentioned, you said the magic words and the slime did not come down. So, you owe us one.
Vanessa: But Ross, that's not fair! I didn't even say "I don't know."
[Vanessa is slimed again]
Ross: We appreciate your generosity Vanessa, but you only owed us one not two slimes.
Vanessa: Ross, I wasn't being generous.
Ross: Oh, of course not. You're stupid like the old days.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Vanessa: Steph, can you please turn off that light? I can't get to sleep.
Stephanie: Well sorry if it bothers you Vanessa, but I need help to get to sleep.
Vanessa: Steph, don't you think you're just a little old to be depending on a night light?
Stephanie: It's not a night light Vanessa, it's a TV set. I'm watching old episodes of You Can't Do That On Television with you on them. It puts me in a sleeping mood.
Vanessa: Hey, that's a pretty good idea. Oh no! Doug's on them! Now I'm going to have nightmares.
[Doug Ptolemy comes out of the closet.]
Doug: Hi, Van. Did you call my name?
Vanessa: AAAAH! DOUG!! (throws her stuffed bear at him)
Stephanie: Well sorry if it bothers you Vanessa, but I need help to get to sleep.
Vanessa: Steph, don't you think you're just a little old to be depending on a night light?
Stephanie: It's not a night light Vanessa, it's a TV set. I'm watching old episodes of You Can't Do That On Television with you on them. It puts me in a sleeping mood.
Vanessa: Hey, that's a pretty good idea. Oh no! Doug's on them! Now I'm going to have nightmares.
[Doug Ptolemy comes out of the closet.]
Doug: Hi, Van. Did you call my name?
Vanessa: AAAAH! DOUG!! (throws her stuffed bear at him)
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Mr. Schidtler: Alasdair, Christine and Kevin. Sounds like a folk song.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
[Kevin gets back in bed as we hear a toilet flush. His mother walks in.]
Mrs. Prevert: Did you just go to the bathroom again, Kevin?
Kevin: [sighing] Yes, Mom...
Mrs. Prevert: Well, you're going in the middle of the night far too often. You're waking everybody up!
Kevin: Well, fine, what do you want me to do? Get up and go to the bathroom, or stay in bed and go to the bathroom?!
Mrs. Prevert: Yes.
Kevin: Yes, what?
Mrs. Prevert: Stay in bed. I'll just put this diaper on you...
[A loud farting noise is heard.]
Kevin: Oh no, too late!
Mrs. Prevert: Did you just go to the bathroom again, Kevin?
Kevin: [sighing] Yes, Mom...
Mrs. Prevert: Well, you're going in the middle of the night far too often. You're waking everybody up!
Kevin: Well, fine, what do you want me to do? Get up and go to the bathroom, or stay in bed and go to the bathroom?!
Mrs. Prevert: Yes.
Kevin: Yes, what?
Mrs. Prevert: Stay in bed. I'll just put this diaper on you...
[A loud farting noise is heard.]
Kevin: Oh no, too late!
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Sariya: I can hardly wait to get slimed!
Chris: Oh, and what makes you so sure you're going to get slimed?
Jill: Well, it can't be you, Chris. You just got watered.
[Jill is drenched]
Carlos: Not everyone can be cool, and I haven't been slimed in a long time! I don't know why!!!
[Carlos is slimed]
Jill: Sure, Carlos, go ahead, be greedy. "Well, I don't know!"
[Jill is slimed]
Christian and Sariya: We don't know!
[Christian and Sariya are both slimed at once]
Amyas: Guess what... I don't know!
[Amyas is slimed]
Chris: If being slimed is suddenly the cool thing to do, then I simply don't know what this could be except...
[Chris is slimed]
All the Kids: ...the Introduction to the Opposites!
Chris: I got more than you.
Chris: Oh, and what makes you so sure you're going to get slimed?
Jill: Well, it can't be you, Chris. You just got watered.
[Jill is drenched]
Carlos: Not everyone can be cool, and I haven't been slimed in a long time! I don't know why!!!
[Carlos is slimed]
Jill: Sure, Carlos, go ahead, be greedy. "Well, I don't know!"
[Jill is slimed]
Christian and Sariya: We don't know!
[Christian and Sariya are both slimed at once]
Amyas: Guess what... I don't know!
[Amyas is slimed]
Chris: If being slimed is suddenly the cool thing to do, then I simply don't know what this could be except...
[Chris is slimed]
All the Kids: ...the Introduction to the Opposites!
Chris: I got more than you.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
[The end of the opposites. The kids are all still covered in slime from earlier, but they now look horrified.]
Jill: Oh, I messed up really good now!
Carlos: I can't believe we thought that being slimed was so cool! I don't know how we could have been so stupid! [he gets slimed again]
Jill: Oh, I messed up really good now!
Carlos: I can't believe we thought that being slimed was so cool! I don't know how we could have been so stupid! [he gets slimed again]
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television
Mrs. Prevert: Chris, you were our first child!
Chris: [Bumps heads with Valerie] OW!
Mrs. Prevert: And Stephanie, you were our second child. And Ted...
Ted: Third time lucky, Mom?
Mrs. Prevert: No, actually, Ted, you were another first.
Ted: All right!
Mrs. Prevert: ...Our first big mistake.
Chris: [Bumps heads with Valerie] OW!
Mrs. Prevert: And Stephanie, you were our second child. And Ted...
Ted: Third time lucky, Mom?
Mrs. Prevert: No, actually, Ted, you were another first.
Ted: All right!
Mrs. Prevert: ...Our first big mistake.
TV Show: You Can't Do That on Television